Why did she call and forgive me?

Question

I had an affair with a married man over a year ago while he was 1000 miles away from his family working. The affair went on for a few months, but mostly we were friends. He worked here for almost a year. I thought he cared for me, but after he told his wife and they decided to work things out he revealed that in talking to their counselor he realizes that this came from depression and confusion about his own feelings toward himself and that it could have been anybody that it wasnt about me. He told me he never really cared for me at all and he apologized. This all happened out of the blue after a few months of no contact...before that I would call him or his wife and I admit I did try to cause problems...I care for him deeply and wanted him back, well the next day his wife contacted me...I told her some very awful details of our relationship...some true, some exagerrated. I hated her. Well she called and offered her forgiveness and also apologized for anything she said about or to me..

she said she never placed all the blame on me, but that she was so angry and hurt by the things I said that it was easier to lash out at me. Why would she (or he) decide to forgive me? After talking to his wife I realize that she is a really nice person, and I believe if things weren't as they were, we could probably be friends, she seems to really care about my situation (I am in abusive relationship at the moment) and encourages me to find a good person. Is she just trying to hurt me because the only good person I ever had was her husband. Do I accept their apology? That was the last I heard from them and it confuses me. They never contacted me before, I always found a way to contact them are they up to something?

She told me that this is something she felt like she needed to do in order to let go of some anger and resentment...that she is ready to move forward and that their marriage is once again stable and she did not want to harbor any resentment or hate towards me anymore because she felt that as long as she did, the affair would always have some sort of control over her marriage and/or happiness. Since he apologized does that mean that he did have feeling for me...I am having trouble understanding this.

Also, why after all this time do I feel GUILTY? I did not cheat, I admit I did pursue him heavily, but he could have said no. I do not understand why I am feeling this way.

I am not married, I did not cheat...I started dating this other guy after me and him broke up and he went back home and it was 1000 miles away.

Answer 1

I am glad that you feel guilty...you should. You purposely pursued a married man, and completely mainipulated his situation. I have been the betrayed spouse in this same exact situation. And just a couple of weeks ago, I too, called the other woman and offered my forgiveness. I made it clear that the forgiveness was for my well being...not hers. I could have continued to harbor resentment, anger, rage, etc., but it was consuming me. I refuse to live my life like that. My husband is very remorseful and willing to do anything to fix our marriage. Yep, it probably would have been easier to just leave when his affair was discovered...but I needed closure of some sort and that to me meant trying to find out and fix the problem. It was soooo worth it, and the call I made to her to offer my forgiveness, suprisingly to me...lifted a huge weight off of my heart. It felt really good to be the bigger person in the situation and rise above the name calling etc. I finally feel some sort of peice. Just accept the apology....but know this...it was for her soul...not yours. And from this point on, stay away from other womens men.

Answer 2

She's doing the right thing not only for herself but for everyone (including you) in the situation and in her life. This is the thing that mature people do when faced w/ problems. She just gets that the situation that occurred was caused by all three of you. Her and her husband issues are their own individual ones as well as one's they have together which led the husband's infidelity (no excuse for tho but, people make mistakes). Your issues are entirely yours. She see's that you obviously have some issues from your need for attention from men is enough for you to be involved w/ a married man and your willingness to stay in an abusive relationship. She's looking to herself for her own involvement in the problem and try to change her behavior and understanding you and forgiving your horrendous behavior allows her to let her anger go so she can try to make her and those around her situations better not worse. If you really cared about this man as much as you said you did then you would want him to be happy whether if it was with you or not. But I'm not sure your capable of that. You said you actively tried to cause problems after he told you that he really didn't care for you and that had it not been you it would have been someone else. This sounds more like someone who's hurt and angry and striking back like a child would. I would highly suggest you look at the choices your making and instead of looking for someone else to make your life better for you, do it for yourself. Women in your situation do much better if you become independent from someone taking care of you both financially and emotionally.

Answer 3

Look the fact that you are having problems with this is a very loud bell and you need to refocus. My hat is off to this couple for accepting their inappropriate behavior and taking responsibility. This has absolutely nothing to do with you and the fact that you are trying to make a negative out of the very behavior we need to see more of tells me you have an issue you should be focusing on. This issue has nothing whatsoever to do with this couple. You my dear had an affair and you need to address that. Do not blame your abusive relationship on your poor choices. You have a spouse and under no circumstance is your behavior appropriate. If this spouse you have is not treating you the way you want to be treated that is an issue that only you can solve. Solve it and quit blaming others.

Answer 4

It is part of the healing process for them. They are trying to get their marriage back together and as long as either one of them have areas where there is hate, anger or resentment, it will be a roadblock to complete recovery for them. I believe she was sincere in her forgiveness, even though you may not have asked her for it, she needed to do that so she could move on. She does sound like a very nice person that is honestly trying to get her marriage back together. I do not think the are up to anything, it is time to let them go and move on with your life.

Answer 5

Hi. Hate is an ugly thing, that takes much energy. She sounds like a lovely human being, who decided to love, rather than hate, to forgive rather than stoop down to the basest of levels (no offence). You could take this as a life lesson, learning a few things about compassion, standing tall, and what it means to be a strong woman. When someone looks at things from a higher level of consciousness and awareness, they are capable of understanding things in ways that others, stuck in the stew of egotism and lower cognitive functioning, cannot. Good luck to you, and perhaps a little counseling may be in order...

Answer 6

Perhaps YOU need the therapy now. They did this because they felt it necessary so they can continue on in their relationship. You stated the reasons why they said they forgave you so what dont you understand. Ok you werent married BUT you got involved with a married man so it doesnt make you any better than he was. Accept the apologies and move on in your life and try to make better decisions in your life for your life.

Answer 7

Bottom-line

It's time for you to let go. You have nothing more to do with them. There's no need for you to attempt to attach yourself all because you have your own situation that you must take care of.
Many people don't understand the power of forgiveness and no matter how hard you try to break into their marriage it won't work. She forgave you and her husband for what happened, which not only make their marriage stronger but makes their commitment for each other solid.

My advise for you is to take care of what going on in your house. Don't mess with and don't allow yourself to get caught up with someone else husband, there is no future in it.

Answer 8

it could be part of the counsiling,but she could be an understanding wife, and just not place blame.Problems in a marriage start with and end with two people not htree if there is a thirds there was problems before. You need to find whats lacking in your life and either accept it are get of the pot.

Answer 9

Because she's trying to forgive her husband and you and get her marriage back on track.

Be a grown up and find a man who is available to be in a relationship with you.

Answer 10

She is forgiving you so she can move on and put it in the past. I really hope you learned a lesson. Really nice married men usually have really nice wives.