Judgemental about our marriage...?

Question

My husband and I have close friends who, like us, are going thru a tough time in their marriage. I never give opinions on their relationship unless I'm asked, but they are very judgemental of our relationship. One minute I'm told by both of them I'm too outspoken and b#itchy, and should "just let him do what he wants", the next they tell me I'm too soft and should "put my foot down with him". I feel like they are constantly judging and 'grading' me, as to who is to blame.

I get the feeling that they do it to make themselves feel better about their marriage - like, our relationship is worse than theirs and that makes them feel better. They are the same about parenting too. They are always telling me the 'right way' to do things with our daughter and how I'm always doing things wrong. They try to say they're just being helpful, but I don't see it that way.

Am I being oversensitive? What's your perspective?

Answer 1

You and your husband need to sit down and talk about. What ever issues you have. It's between the two of you and not your friends. Too many times someones opinion, just starts a bigger argument. If they can't make their own marriage work. What makes you think that they have any good advice to give you. Who's life is it anyway? As far as your daughter goes, tell them to join the local PTA and be helpful with someone else's child. Oversensitive? not a chance. Tell them to keep their opinions to themselves. If you didn't ask for it , then you don't need to hear it..............Good luck

Answer 2

Wow, it seems like they're immature and insecure! Personally I'd tell them to get lost. But if you have a lot invested in these friends, try politely ending the conversation and changing the topic. If you want to make a stand, firmly explain why you made the choice you made regarding whatever the topic at hand is, say it works for you and isn't open for discussion. Simply put, your marriage is yours and your spouse's. The sooner you keep being firm about it, the sooner they'll take the hint.
Or you could try a more subtle approach. Joking. "Wait, I thought you said just yesterday that I was being too soft. Make up my mind, here, lady" (then giggle) "You know what I think? I think you're not his wife and kinda don't know WHAT's going on in our marriage." (and then laugh and change the subject)

Answer 3

I dont think that you are oversensitive.
You are entitled to your feelings.

Maybe these friends are doing it to help you(except the way you describe it I doubt it)

But they dont make you feel good about yourself, and they are putting down your parenting skills

How come they know so much about your private life, to the point they feel thay are entitled to make such comments?

Maybe you (or your husband) told them too much about your intimacy

Maybe you should keep a certain distance with them or at least choose what you are disclosing to them.

You could also tell them how it makes you feel.

If they invalidate your feelings or say that you are oversensitive, you'll have a clue they dont really care about you.

If you dont feel you can talk about such isssues with them, then why are they your firends?

Sometimes we can share part of our lives with some people, but not all of it

Sometimes it is easier to confide in someone that is less involved in our life
trust yourself

Answer 4

Please excuse my blatant honesty here, but, these people don't sound like very good friends to me. If they are causing you stress- personally, or with your husband, ask yourself if it's really worth having them around? Friends may give advice, but they also usually will try to be considerate of feelings, and not give advice on things that are highly sensitive subjects and really none of their business, at least when it's not directly asked for by you. Maybe you could try talking to them about how their comments are affecting you, and just ask them to keep their thoughts to themselves...if they are your friends they will respect your feelings. If not, find yourself a new set of friends!

Answer 5

Do things your way take no notice of these friends, tell them you appreciate their help but at times it gets a little too much. Only you can decide what is going on in your life talk to your partner.

Answer 6

You are not being oversensitive in my opinion. Any issues that you and your husband have should always be between you and your husband. If your friends are giving you unwarranted advice, simply tell them that you respect their opinions IF you ask for them. The trick is: Make sure you don't ask for them.

And that's just it. If hubby makes you mad, don't run to your friends and bash him. It will only fuel their bad habit. Also, make sure that when it comes to your hubby; praise him in public and criticize him in private. He will appreciate that more, and they won't have any reason to play relationship police.

Answer 7

All couples goes through some rough times. Learn from those situations. As for your daughter, you are responsible for her upbringing. It's okay to listen to suggestions, but the ultimate responsibility is the parent "to raise the child in such a way that when she get old, she will not depart from it".

Answer 8

They need to back off a little and you need to tell them to. What works for one couple in one marriage will not necessarily work for another couple.... parenting wise as well... NO ONE can tell you how to raise your children As long as they are not being harmed you have your own way of rules, disipline and how lean you are on them with getting away with stuff. My sister is bad for that on us. SOme people think that they can control others or tell them what they think or shouldnt think when they dont know what to be thinking for themselves. They are quick to judge others so it makes them feel better about themselves. They need to keep attention to their own marital issues and worry about them and you and your husband should just worry about you and your husband. Keep personal issues private... and not between the other couple. They dont need to know. If they ask tell them its not their bussiness. when they come to you guys and want your opinion on issues or want ya to take sides... tell them your sorry but you dont wish to be involved with their personal issues. Tell them that you undestand that they are trying to be of help but tell them when you want advise you will ask for it. Tell them they need to respect YOU as a parent and everyone doesnt raise their children the same way as they do. You simply dont agree with their opinions. You know in your heart if you are doing ok as a wife and a parent. If they cant respect your wishes you need to cut ties with them. Hope it helps

Answer 9

We are all the expert.....we can see what is right and wrong becuase we are not emotionally involved. Once the emotions kick in, then say goodbye to logic. They are not feeling like you are feeling.................they are on the outside looking in therefore they do not have the emotional involvement to think like you are thinking. I have some great advice, but when it comes to my own life, I am just the same as anyone else. It is very simple to give adi\vie, simply because they are not emotionally involved...so my simplest advice to you, is to stop trying to prove your innocence and look to a woman who biila

Answer 10

Next time they tell you something, tell them that if you wanted their opinion, you would have asked for it!!! Who are they to be telling you how to handle your life when they can't even handle their own!!! They don't sound like real good friends to me. They sound like nosy people, who have nothing better to do in life than to criticize you and your husband.

Your life is none of their business!! Make sure that they know it!