Is marriage without sex really a marriage at all?

Question

My wife was never very keen on sex. Early in our marriage, I believe she saw it only as a means for having the kids she wanted. After that, I always got the feeling that she saw it as her duty and nothing more. Nowadays, it seems she doesn't see it at all. We haven't tried couseling, but I doubt it'd work since you can't revive something that was never there in the first place. I am thinking of going outside my marriage in order to fulfill my needs. What do you think? Should this be an option for me?

Answer 1

I was exactly the same way with my now ex-husband as your wife is with you. I finally realized that I did not love him that way and never had. I love him, I really do... but as a friend and nothing more. I finally went outside my marriage... I will never stop regretting it and I will never stop regretting how I hurt him. But we should not have been together. I knew it and he did too. Think about it. Should you really be with this person? Do you believe she loves you? Do you love her? If not, end it now and give you both the opportunity to find the love and happiness you both deserve. If you really believe she loves you and you want it to work, talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and try to ease your way into a new phase of your relationship.

Answer 2

Hello:

Marriage is supposed to be just that.... marriage.

It is defined as a joining or a melding of two separate things that form a new single thing.

In human relationships marriage bears the same meaning. That is where 'two' form a single item.

In order for that to occur, a couple in marriage must learn to combine and share their separate feelings and emotions so as to create a new and separate 3rd entity.

It can be seen as the 'You - 'Me’ – ‘Us' factor.

This 'Us' entity is made up of various elements from each partner and still allows each person to retain individuality.

The 'Us' entity comprises many elements of partnership, such as financial and emotional and physical responsibilities including work, sex and more.

Each element must be present in order to form a bonded marriage chain; if one link is missing there is no chain at all.

Going elsewhere for sex defeats the purpose of a marriage union. To even consider it begs the question as to what you really seek especially since you have not tried other means as a solution.

Have you asked yourself whether you are a person that enjoys the security of living with someone but does not want a monogamous sexual relationship?

I say this because you were aware of her indifference before you were married. You did say in your question, and I quote,

“We haven't tried counseling, but I doubt it'd work since you can't revive something that was never there in the first place.

So why did you get married in the first place knowing she was not the kind of sexual partner that you wanted?

You must make a decision. If you really love her and want a well rounded and healthy relationship with her you must work things out with her and a professional.

If this is not possible you must consider dissolving the union largely because there is really not a union at all.

You and your wife must ask yourselves some difficult questions and be honest in your answers otherwise the road ahead will be filled with emotional pain and perhaps worse.

Answer 3

I see two questions here. One, is it a marriage at all? Yes, it is, however a poor one. If you want your wife to want sex, be to her what she needs you to be. I think it's interesting that in the Old Testament men are encouraged to take a whole YEAR off from work and from military duty to LEARN TO PLEASE THEIR WIVES. You haven't learned to please her, but you CAN. Start with little things, like rubbing her feet (if she likes that). The next week, try bringing her flowers (if she likes that). Remember, you're on a quest to learn how to please her. A pleased woman can't help but want her hubby sexually.

Your other question, should going outside your marriage for fulfillment be an option? You know the answer to this already. The answer is no, it should NOT be an option. You'll be destroying a marriage. And did you two produce "the kids she wanted"? Then you'd be destroying the children's lives, too.

Best wishes as you choose the right choices,
Momwtrmn

Answer 4

In my opinion, "NO". Sex is a great thing, I'm in my early 40's and sex is one of the best things this world has to offer. I also don't believe that if you two weren't sexually compatible in the beginning, it will not change. However, since you are married and have children, I truly believe that before you go outside of marriage, or divorce, try counseling. I believe that your wife probably has a problem that can be diagnosed and relatively fixed and your both can have a happy, healthy sex life, together!

Answer 5

have you ever tried talking to your wife about this? It doesn't sound lie you have ever had a conversation about what is bothering you. a relationship is about communication and you should give her the benefit of the doubt before you do anything rash. If she doesn't want to talk about it then maybe you should see a couples counceler. This seems to be an issue for you and it has to be fixed but cheating on your wife is unfair, especially if you have not even told her your feelings.
I do believe that sex is very important in a marriage as long as it is with eachother!!
Find out what her feelings are and be honest with her. Good luck

Answer 6

I think you was thinking about cheating anyway. I say this because you have discounted every means of help before we could get a chance to answer you. Have you ever thought about... it's you. Maybe you need to see if it's not something you are doing or not doing. If you go outside the marriage and you are a terrible lover, then you'll only be writing again talking about your wh0re on the side doesn't want to have sex anymore. There's nothing no worst then to have a man just climb on top and breath hard for 2 minutes and that's sex. maybe you are not making her feel loved, wanted, sexy and most importantly, make her feel like a woman.

Answer 7

I will tell u something your wife should be having sex with you!!! If my husband ( i dont have one but if i did) didnt want to have sex wit me i probably would get it else were or i wouldnt want to have sex at all cause i would think there was something wrong with the way i looked or something but thats not right i want to get married to someone that wont ever get tired of sex!!!! But definatly talk to her about it first if u real love her cause there is no change after you have cheated she will never forgive u so make sure that u have tried everything in your power to fix the situatuion first then there is nothing more u can do!!!!! :)

Answer 8

There could be a number of reason for her not liking sex. The first is that it could hurt. The second is you see love making as just that sex. I would try counseling before you do anything. For you to say that tell me that is all you want from your wife in the bedroom. When was the last time you put her physical needs before yours? You knew this from the start...now you are thinking of only you. Think of the children and their needs. How are you going to explain to them how their mother left you or threw you out because she didn't like sex and you got it somewhere else. If you have a daughter, think of what you would do to her husband if he did the same to her. She needs you and you need to help her. Something is missing if you try hard enough to two of you can find it.

Answer 9

IF YOU DON'T READ ANY OTHER RESPONSE READ THIS ONE!
I was exactly like your wife...and dear God do I regret it. My husband went outside our marriage and we are now separated. He had mentioned to me that he was feeling bad about our sex life, but I didn't listen. I thought he should love me whether I wanted to have sex or not.
A twenty year relationship (14 of it married) is pretty much over now. It hurts so much...so much.
I have since learned that the intimacy isn't the key to a good marriage, but it is a link in the chain. If any link is weak, the chain can break.
If my husband had talked to me and told me he was considering going to other women...I would have seen a counselor or done something to try and figure out why I was avoiding intimacy. I have done that now...but now it is too late and two people are hurting.
Life has no rewind button. Please talk to your wife, tell her what I told you and let her know that fixing things now will save her the hurt I feel later on. It'll save you heartache too.
I don't know a lot about much, but this one I have experience with. I wish so much that I didn't, but I do. Remember...no rewind button.

Answer 10

No, going outside of your marraige SHOULD NOT be an option for you neither should you use it as a threat in order for her to cave into your wants. After a woman has children... her hormones can change drastically....There may be a hormone insufficiency you wife suffers from and just is unnaware of it. maybe talk to her about seeing another doctor that really understands issues like these. Let her know how important this is for you. Maybe she will be willing to meet you half way. You CAN really LOVE a person and not have sex all the time. There are other ways to show affection. Talk about all other options first . If she remains unncooperative and not wiling to try to understand the importance of your needs... maybe its time for you to separate and go your seperate ways BEFORE YOU SLEEP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. Dont cheat. Even get yourself evaluated why are you so hung up on sex? Why do you feel it so important? Would you want your wife to go fufill her needs and desires with another man if you didnt fel like puttin out? Cheating is not the answer. really. Think about it. I Pray that everything woorks out well for you.