Do you consider this rape?

Question

Back in high school I had a boyfriend for 3 years who took my virginity. I didn't always want to have sex as much as he did , but somehow he made me feel so guilty every time about not wanting to, I would give in. He told me there was something wrong with me, I should want to have sex all the time. He told me I was a freak and that no one else would ever want to be with me because of this "problem" I had. There would be times when I was in so much pain during sex because I really just didn't want to be doing it and I would be crying, but he wouldn't stop. This went on for probably close to 2 years out of the 3 years we were together. I was eventually able to brake up with him.

7 years later I got married to an amazing guy and we now have a beautiful baby. Although my husband and I both know I have some intimacy problems.

Do you think I was being raped by my old boyfriend? Do you think there is a correlation between what happened then and my problems with intimacy now?

Answer 1

Rape, hmm, that's your call, but the definition accorind to dictionary.com is:

-1. the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
-2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
-3. statutory rape.
-4. an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation: the rape of the countryside.
-5. Archaic. the act of seizing and carrying off by force.
–verb (used with object)
-6. to force to have sexual intercourse.
-7. to plunder (a place); despoil.
-8. to seize, take, or carry off by force.
–verb (used without object)
-9. to commit rape.

I am thinking YES, and as for intimacy issues, yeah they probably correlate to that as well, but I am no Psycologist. I do know that people can change, and you being with your extraordinary husband are fortunate to have such a gift. You should make the most of your life with him as best you can, it is easy to forget, and it is easy to forgive, when you let it be that way. You hold close that which you want close to you, avoid holding pain and sorrow, that is just a bit illogical, although we are all guilty of it. Be happy now, you seem happy, that jeck that you dated in high school probably didn't know any better. Do you still think like you did in high school? I hope not, if he has any sense he probably feels just as bad, if not worse about the situation. From now on, every time he has sex he will see a young girl crying...how awkward can that be at his age. But that's his problem, and he can deal with it accordingly, just you, which I believe you may have already just did.

Happiness is acquired, not distributed.

Answer 2

I'm sure there is some correlation. The situation doesn't sound like rape, because it sounds like you consented. If you didn't however, then it is rape. However, it obviously affected you enough that you have thought that you might have been raped. It sounds like what happened in the past is still haunting you. Maybe you should look into talking to a counseler or psychologist to help you get over the emotional trauma it has had on you. I'm not a doctor and I've never been raped but I know how deep psychological trauma can affect a person. Good Luck and I hope you can find some peace within this situation.

Answer 3

I don't think it was rape, but I do think he was taking advantage of you. He played on your innocence. He called you a freak and you are not a freak. What he did to you was entirely wrong. He made you believe there was something wrong with you when there was not. If he was an adult and you were a minor, then it was statutory rape. If you were both minors there is nothing anyone can do. You learned a hard lesson with him. He took advantage of you by making you think there was something wrong with you and you believed him. That doesn't make you bad. That makes him bad, because he deceived you. If you are haveing sex hang-ups now that you are with someone you love, you have to talk about it and get everything out in the open. Your husband loves you and he will understand and help you get over the bad feellings you are having. Talk to him, don't keep it to yourself. I hope you get over your hangups and learn to give yourself completely to your husband and have a good strong and lasting love. You are a good person. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

Answer 4

I do believe your old boyfriend raped you. I don't know the legality, so I can't say for sure. Did you say no? If so, then definitely. Rape is defined as:
2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
Once again, not sure on the legality of a situation.

However, I do have some experience in psychology, and there are good chances that your intimacy problems are related to your old boyfriend. Take my advice, seriously, I'm begging you, go to counseling. You and your husband can go together, but it's something you need to do. A counselor could truly help you.

Answer 5

Well since he is mentally challenged it may not be considered rape. But still you must tell a doctor or police or something. Honestly not to sure, because what he is doing is wrong. Also you should search this on google like under the rape section of a Law.

Answer 6

I wouldn't say that you was raped but very traumatized. I remember being a teenager myself and there is a lot of pressure when it comes to sex. Since you consented to the sexual act in the eyes of the law its not rape but to you since you didn't want to it would seem that way. I would recommend that you talk to a professional if you feel you are having problems from this. I was molested when I was younger and I've always been very sexually aware, I don't have problems not wanting to have sex I want it all the time. It might not necessarily be causing you to have problems with intimacy but if you feel strongly that it is, then do talk to someone professionally to hash out your feelings and maybe fix a few. It will make you feel better. Mine did.

Answer 7

This is a question that you need to be asking a therapist. You need help in dealing with the psychological aspects of intimacy that your ex boyfriend put you through. Only you know if it was rape or not and no one else on this board knows the emotional baggage that you carry.

Is your husband understanding to the intimacy problems that you have? If so great but seek professional counseling to heal from the pressures of sex...

Good luck!

Answer 8

This is going to sound Harsh, but, trust me, I'm not trying to be mean, just honest talk, remember tho I'm NOT a lawyer,
This is just my opinion.
What he did was wrong, but, he used your guilt, which made you give in to him..so there for it was not rape.
But, mentally, he was raping you...
I do think that yes, there is a connection between then and now..but. look at the beautifull side.
You moved on, got married, and had a beautifull baby with your Husband.
If your intimacy between you and your husband is a problem, then why not seek out professional help.
There is nothing embarrasing about talking to someone.
I'm sure he/she could help you both.
I know you want to close this chapter in your mind, and a professional should be able to help you close the door and throw away the key for good.
Good luck.
Remember, when given Lemons, make Lemone Ade!

Answer 9

I think he abused you mentally, emotionally and sexually. You were young and probably thought that the things he said were true. You're married and have a child and b/c you've gone on with your life it doesn't mean you've gotten over this past experience. I do consider it rape even if you expressed you didn't want to during sex. He should've stopped but didn't. But you finally ended this abuse. Some women never get out maybe you should consider some counseling to help you get through this! This doesn't mean your crazy or that you did something wrong. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and sometimes they need help to get through this! Good luck!

Answer 10

I had something similar to this happen to me with the guy that also took my virginity except he actually held a knife to my throat when I said no...yes, I do consider it rape because they FORCED us to believe nobody else would ever want us and that we had a "problem" for not wanting sex. Force is the key word here...I also am with an amazing man now, been with him for over 4 years and it's great...I, however, do not have a problem with intamacy...I made peace with what happened to me and I am thankful I had the sense enough to get out of that relationship even though it took me almost 2 years. I am thankful that I now have an amazing man by my side who looks out for me and would never do anything to hurt me physically, mentally, emotionally. I think you need to overcome what happened to you and forgive your attacker. Therapy may help sweetie, all the best to you and your family.