walking a fine line?

Question

I have a new wife. She is wonderful, caring, kind, every imaginable beautiful word that comes to mind describes her. My problem is that she is very hard on my two boys. They have suffered through a divorce in which their mother left and has moved five hours away by plane. My new wife loves my kids but is very strict in her care for them. She is responsible for them when I am working and therefore I feel she has a right to set rules, I am concerned that this change in style is hard on them. She claims that my lack of strictness is what could have contributed to the demise of my first marriage. We are best of friends, we love each other, but I feel a bit distant from my kids and it hurts. How do you balance your love for your kids and your relationship with your spouse. A tough question, not sure how someone can answer, just looking for some encouraging words...thanks

Answer 1

I think in the long run you will be happy that your boys grew up in a house where there were rules and discipline. Kids need that. You did not say she verbally or physically abuses them so I think you should be happy that you are with a woman that cares enough about you and your children to want to see them grow into really great men...like their dad.

My boyfriend and I have children from our previous marriages, he has full custody of his 3 and I have full custody of my 2. We both take active roles in raising each other's children. I am glad that my children have a man in their life that wants to see them grow into really great people. I feel the same about his, I can't wait to see the incredible adults they turn out to be, even though they all have parents that were divorced.

Answer 2

You don't say how old these kids are and does she have any kids of her own?
I had little experience with young children when I step-parented my s-daughter at age 4. I was a teacher (older kids) and thought I knew how to do it! My expectations were very high and I made demands I never made, years later when I had my own kids. I call it "over-compensation parenting" you jump in and try to establish a new family, new rules, and many times it backfires at about 13 yrs old when the teen says"You're not my biological parent I don't have to listen to you!" You are right, kids need time to adjust and some take several years!
I do have to ask why is she caring for the kids? Is it financial? It may not be "worth" it if it causes friction. It may be better to pay daycare so she does not develop resentful feelings about having to care for them...even though she may have suggested it. They are YOUR kids and ultimatly your rules should be what is law in your home! That is when the kids will respect YOU!
I am also concerned that you feel distant. Usually it is the ex who creates PAS (parental alienation syndrome) but it sounds like your new wife is creating this rift. I agree with other responses which suggest you two get it together ASAP!

Answer 3

If she is going to be their "mom", she needs to help with the setting of the rules. BUT, you are their dad and you should have a direct say so in their structure and in their rules.

Have a uniform discipline. Do not change what the consequences are when your wife is "not around" and you want to be the good guy.

Plan a day where your wife gets a "day off" and you spend the time fishing, bike riding, etc. Just you and the boys. That way, she gets a break and you get a day to "bond" with your boys.

It is hard to blend families. You have a woman that loves your kids. I am the disciplinarian in our house. The kids LOVE their daddy and don't pay him any attention with the rules.

WORK TOGETHER and your kids will be happy, well rounded people.

Answer 4

First off discipline is good for kids. Right now you are feeling guilty for the fact that things did not work out with their mother. It's okay and it's normal... but don't let that guilt make you into a parent who gives into everything and isn't strict enough because you are afraid of upsetting them. This is life and kids need guidance. If your new wife is not abusive then there really isn't a problem here.

I know in my house I'm the "lazy" parent and my husband is the strict one. We have 6 kids between us (5 mine, 1 his). We make sure that we back each other up and explain why we are disciplining them. That really helps when they understand why they are in trouble.

The divorce was hard on them and yes, it will be tough for them to adjust to the new situation.... just remind them that in real life we don't get to pick our parents or family. God picks those for us and we have to make the best of it. Keep stressing to them that you are all a family and have to stick together and work together.

Things will get easier....

Answer 5

Despite your sugarcoating, what it means is that your boys were not exposed to her style prior to your marriage.

Hate to tell you this. Your new wife might have the wrong tactics whether she has the good intention or not. Kids naturally repel against those they think are replacing their parents. Their mother is gone and now she is standing between you and them so she is Enemy #1. Then your wife complains to you she has a winless job and thanks to your lack of support.

A better approach is actually for the kids to see the good side of her so the distance is reduced before any kind of rules are set. Besides, the father usually sets the rules so your wife is also undermining your authority, especially from the eyes of the boys. You should set the rules by first negotiating with the boys so the rules are reasonable. Everybody promises and then your wife has to support your rules instead of overruling yours (hopefully). It is easier for everybody.

TRUE HARD FACT: You are the father no matter who you have now as a wife. You really should try everything you can not to "betray" your boys.

Answer 6

First off,sit down with the MRS. and get your parenting skills on the same page.You must agree to what the discipline will be,or you are doomed.That is one thing about second marriages with children face is the handling of the children. You must agree on the rules,and the discipline,and since she is the main caregiver,make it clear and clean how this will be handled.It is a must.
More marriages have failed because of this than cheating has.
If you don't feel she is doing what you agree with,you need to talk it all out and make sure you each agree as to punishments,and such,and then stay consistent and enforce each other,or it will pit the kids against the parents and then you are in for even more trouble. It really IS important to agree on a parenting style.....Good Luck,and congrats for asking for help.

Answer 7

What a question. I have lived through the same thing your talking about. When my husband and I got together his two boys both going in 7th grade and in trouble more than they should have been. And their mother is over 1200 miles away and have nothing to do with them. I was hard on them and stayed on top of what they done. Now days it takes that to raise good kids. My husbands family was always talking about how mean I was too the boys. But now almost seven years latter they all understand we have two boys that finished school and are both in the National Guards. Great kids, I have two kids of my own that are 24 and 27 that has turned out to be great kids too. I think more parents need to go back to the way they was raised. One thing always back her up if it's something that you disagree on than talk about it away from the kids

Answer 8

It was wrong of your wife to suggest what she felt was the demise of your previous marriage. That was between you and your ex-wife. You really need to try to sit down as a family unit to discuss how this controlling behavior of hers is affecting your relationship with your children. Those are your babies, personally I would never rule a house so strict. If they were teenagers, then there has to be some rules, but I feel these are younger children and she could cause some emotional issues there....I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 9

I agree children do need rules and structure, but you need to decide what is too much, kids also need to be kids and not be yelled at or told what to do every second...this will hurt their self image and could damage their social and emotional behavior. There is a way to set rules and still remain calm. The more respect and attention you give a child the more they will give you.You should be very supportive and give your children a lot of attention, let them know if they are ever sad or have a problem to talk to you ( I would even say ...even if it's something about your step mom.) If she is truly being out of line, you need to tell her. In the meantime if you are there and she over reacts to a situation with the kids, model being calm in front of your wife....praise the child for things they do good, and when they do something bad say that makes me really sad when you do----- . You are too nice to do that. Be calm and positive about reaching a solution, and not focusing on how bad they were ect. If she keeps reacting negitivly to them, they will not want to do anything to please her, she is only teaching them to be negative too. There are ways to set rules and guidelines without being negative. Be positive and loving and hope your wife follows your lead, also when your wife does do something positive with the children praise her as well. It may be something that's overwhelming her too, talk to her about her feelings as well.

Answer 10

Not to preach psychobabble, but Family Counseling might not be a bad idea. It sounds like you have a great wife and great kids and that you are very in love with your wife. Blending families can be difficult. I don't know the ages of your boys, but that can play into rules and their general relationship with her. Communication between you and your spouse and general respect for the kids is key. If your boys are young (say under 8) then she maybe the only real mom they know. If they are older, they may resent an "imposter" mom stepping in telling them what to do. They may also have "attitude" issues with authority if they are teenagers. Counseling can help air everyones feelings and can help relationships of all types. You and your spouse need to agree together on what an appropriate response to your kids and or rules should be. And i would also say never discuss it in front of the kids. My significant other and I are not quite in the same spot you are as we are not married or living together so we have our own places to get away to when kids start on each others nerves. We are together several days a week and are involved in the our kids lives though. There are things he does with his children or that i do with my son that he and I may disagree on, but we try to talk out the issues and be unified in front of the kids so they don't "divide and conquer". Kids will try to play you against each other. Similar situation as his kids mom is not very involved in the kids life. We have them ranging from 6 to 14 with the oldest being mine...all ages do things to push parent buttons. It sure would be easier if it was just he and I during the "fun" dating stage, but the true love and quality relationship we both want comes from integrating each other into daily lives. With that comes some issues with kids but the rewards of having fun with the kids and getting to watch them smile and grow makes the tough times worth it.

Another thought you say you feel "distant" from your kids...maybe some one on one time with each of them or have a "guys night out" where you have your wife go do her own thing (take dance, scrapbooking, yoga, or stay home and relax) you and the boys go out for pizza or to movie or bowling, etc. That way you can reconnect. Overall i think communication with everyone is key.