Is it ever right to not love your family?

Question

What makes a family member entitled to love? Is it wrong not to love a member of your family? Should you love your family no matter what they do or how they treat you, or are there conditions for family love? Under what circumstances, if any, would you feel it's ok not to love a family member?

Answer 1

This is such a difficult question. It calls us to evaluate our capacity to love. Ideally, we would be capable of loving friends, family, coworkers & colleagues and, for the rare individual, even enemies. In the real world, this is rarely accomplished. It's probably easier to love friends than some family members, since friends are selected at some level while family is not.

But in my experience, love of family members (and old friends) we have known back to our formative years is at a deeper level because there is often a great deal of shared history. While some memories may be painful, they exist along with a variety of other memories.

Of course there are situations that make it extremely difficult or even dangerous to continue loving a family member who has abused to such a degree as to inflict permanent scars (especially sexually, physically, or to the point of financial ruin). Other than these extreme situations, there are smaller hurts, which time can heal if both people can overcome it. If this is possible, both people are better off. I know people who harbor long-term resentments... they are not happy people. But distance is a necessary safeguard with some of these lesser hurts.

So, to sum up, the scales that balance love vs. self-protection may always need to be calibrated and re-assessed from time to time. In order to fine-tune these scales we need to be (kindly, but sometimes painfully) honest with ourselves and the family member in question.

Answer 2

I'm not sure how to answer this... I can't imagine not loving my family and being loved back.

But, at the same time, I've known some people who don't share that type of love with their family.

It's not wrong or right to choose who you love, even if it's a parent or a sibling. It's a choice, hopefully a caring, thoughtful one, for the giver and the receiver. Abusive, neglectful or even strained relationships between family members may be severe enough that loving a family member may not be appropriate.

There are plenty of cases where parents are simply uncaring of their children or worse. Why should a child, especially an adult child, have to chose to love someone who has no interest or ill feelings towards them?

There are plenty of people in this world who make their own families with friends and relationships outside their own lineage. We're social animals and family is a place where love and caring should take place, whether you're born to that situation or have to come together to form those bonds.

Peace

Answer 3

I guess it's ok to avoid someone "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". I personally don't think Blood is the ultimate defining factor of family, I think it's more a Soul thing, and actions speaking louder than words. There's some members of my family, who I don't even consider family. I have some friends of mine, who I honestly Love with feelings that are close to the ones I share with my Mother. I don't think Blood entitles anyone to anything. If you choose not to associate with someone, family or not, that has done enormous amount of wrong to you....that's your choice, and no one can judge you for that, your consciousness will let you know if your wrong or not....it's up to you to listen to it or not. Freedom of will can be both a blessing, and a curse.

As long as you don't hate, I think it's o.k not to Love. Neutral is as low as you want to go on the Love/Hate thing. But I ask you, why would anyone want to deprive themselves of Love? No matter what/who your Loving....

Answer 4

No one ever said you had to love your family. Just because you're born into a group of people doesn't restrict you from making your own personal judgements about them. A person could not love their family for any number of reasons such as abuse whether it be mental or physical, or neglect, etc. Loving your family isn't right OR wrong because every family is different.

Answer 5

Unconditional love is mind control. Certainly we must prepare philosophically for the extinguishing of immediate love from the acts of an other, because life guarantees tough times but no thing else, not even sanity or competency.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erick_Erickson

Stage One Oral-Sensory: from birth to one, trust vs. mistrust, feeding; hope

Stage Two Muscular-Anal: 1-3 years, autonomy vs. doubt, toilet training; will

Stage Three Locomotor: 3-6 years, initiative vs. inadequacy, independence; purpose

Stage Four Latency: 6-12 years, industry vs. inferiority, school; competence

Stage Five Adolescence: 12-18 years, identity vs. confusion, peer relationships; fidelity

Stage Six Young Adulthood: 18-40 years, intimacy vs. isolation, love relationships; love

Stage Seven Middle Adulthood: 40-65 years, generativity vs. stagnation, parenting; caring

Stage Eight Maturity: 65 years until death, integrity vs. despair, acceptance of one's life. wisdom

Favourable outcomes of each stage are sometimes known as "virtues", a term used, in the context of Eriksonian work, as it is applied to medicines, meaning "potencies." For example, the virtue that would emerge from successful resolution of the eighth stage is that of wisdom.

The Erikson life-stage virtues, in the order of the stages in which they may be acquired, are:

1 hope
2 will
3 purpose
4 competence
5 fidelity
6 love (in intimate relationships, work and family)
7 caring
8 wisdom

Answer 6

There is a fine line here.. If someone is horrible to you, harmful to you or causes you problems in your life, related or not, you are entitled to not like that person and to do your best to avoid them, thus avoiding complicated situations.

I have some people in my family that are cruel to me, and I do not like them, and no longer even see them to be honest. I have on the other hand a lot of wonderful loving people in my family that I do associate with. It is all a matter of what you allow in your life and your level of demand for respect.

Answer 7

Join the club. Everyone I know has some form of bad blood. I can't stand 3/4 of my family but I still love them. Well that may not be true I don't love my step mother. If that counts

Answer 8

is Love inherited? is it innate?
i dont think so.. so whatever you learn from Childhood,
you tend to use while growing up... & you wouldn't stop growing till you die.
So if you were loved... you'd be able to express it not just to those who loved you...but share it as well.
unfortunately, not every children get to experience the proper nurture of a good-loving family...
that's when Love dont make a person grow...
it stouts the development... Love will not mature,
but stay undeveloped.
the unloved will never learn to share what he or she never knew about.

so it's not because all your family member love you why you have to love them back,
it's just that back then, you were loved.. so you wouldnt mind if you'd love them no matter what.

Answer 9

Underneath it all, I love my family. I really do. To me, family is at the top of my list of my most valuables. However, I do not like my sister at all. She is a horrible, rotten person who only cares about herself. She is so snotty, mean, rude and it is really excruciating just being in her presence. But she's my sister, and to me that this a bond that can never be broken. Families are bonded together no matter what they may do to each other.

Answer 10

As a family member u HAVE to love one of your family members, BUT, you don't HAVE to like them ;-)!