My husband frequents the bar too often and I don't like it - am I overreacting?

Question

My husband and I have had a great marriage up until recently, primarily due to my getting upset with him spending so much time shooting pool/drinking beer rather than spending time with me -this has been going on for a couple of months now. We do spend time by ourselves, with friends, but it's gotten out of hand here recently and I have some serious issues with it. I don't understand why he can't go hang out for awhile and be home at a decent hour - what I believe would exhibit respect for our marriage. He thinks I'm "crazy" and that I overreact. However, I have a difficult time thinking that any wife would accept such behaviors. I have shared this concern with him early on but it's progressively worsened and I am terribly unhappy. I love him and don't believe in divorce, yet I'm heading closer to that everyday. He says he doesn't want me to leave but I haven't seen him put forth any effort to change and I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. Am I overreacting?

Answer 1

No, you're not. However, this is a "yellow flag". Try to sit down with him, with a marriage counselor, or other trusted third party, that can listen to the truth of what's going on here. He's signaling that he's unhappy with the current situation, but it may not actually center on you. It may have something to do with his previous history. He may be uneasy with true intimacy (which, yes, is not just sex), so he's avoiding being around you, especially in the evenings / nighttime, which is kind of a "wind-down time". Or, a worse-case scenario is that he's actually seeing someone else, during this so-called "drinking beer" time. At any rate, it is a signal that something is very wrong in terms of the communication between you, and if you want to save the marriage, you must take the lead, and find some outside help. The two of you need an safe environment, in which to air and discuss what's really bugging you.

Take care, and good luck. Please don't get discouraged!

Answer 2

No you are not overreacting! Your husbands first concern should be to you and the marriage. If this continues it will eventually lead to problems since he is acting like he is a single man. When he is not spending more time with you and spending more time at the bar he is sending the message to everyone that you are not important. There are many women that hang out in bars looking for a pick up. This is not a safe environment for a committed man and allows for temptation to set in while drinking the beer........let alone peer presure from single male friends. You are getting a gut feeling that something is going to go down sooner or later. So if I were you I would nip it in the bud right here and now. Offer one night out a month if he needs it......and home at a certain time . this is your marriage, your life, your emotions.....so take charge. Good luck.

Answer 3

It bother you and you questioned. No you are not over reacting. He needs to look at your feelings also. If it was an occasional thing it would be different but sound regular to me. I expect the wife to understand when I go out with a couple friends from work 1 or 2 times a month and every now and then she can show up and have a beer too. Then we will leave. She has the right to see a few friends on her own too. But you need to have more time together as a couple whether with friends or not. That is why you are together.

Answer 4

You are not over acting, and your concerns should be validated and respected. There may be other reasons he prefers to utilize his time that way, such as enjoying pool, music, or just time to himself. I would try to find out what his pay off is, and try to find a solution. If he just needs time to himself suggest many other positive outlets such as fishing, other hobbies or sports. If he enjoys playing pool that much, purchase one for your home. I have not seen anything productive or positive come from drinking only harm. You may want to try to incorporate activities at the times he would go to the bar such as the two of you going bowling, ect... He should care enough to consider your feelings. You said the situation is progressively becoming worse. If you put forth effort and you are still receiving the same results then back off. You will then know he will not change or consider your feelings. That would be the time I would reflect on the life I would want for myself.

Answer 5

You are not overreacting. Spending too much time in a bar is not a good sign. I have a bad feeling about your story sweetie. Take a long objective look at the situation. Try to get a read on why he is going there and not home. It is probably not because of you. I have seen your situation many many times and it never ends happily. I wish you the best and I hope all works out for you.

Answer 6

If it bothers you that much, no, I don't think you're overreacting. While he does need to be allowed to go out and have his fun with the boys, he also needs to dedicate his time to his marriage. Being that this has only recently changed, you might ask him what happened that suddenly this is so important to him. Tell him you're not asking to pry or to berrate him or anything like that - tell him you're trying to understand why it's so important that he does this. What about letting you come along for a night? What about setting aside 1 night a week for him to do as he pleases? If you try to stop it altogether, you may be asking for problems, but if you approach it as you need to understand where he's coming from, maybe he'll open up to you. Tell him honestly WHY it bugs you. See if you can work out a solution together.

Take care.

Answer 7

Tell him that there IS NO GROUP OF GUYS that should be more important to him than his wife. My husband got like yours, and honey, it wasnt the pool and the beer and the guys, it was a woman. And the more I pressed the issue and displayed my anger and disapproval of it, the more he went. And he said the same thing, "your crazy and overreacting, its just the guys..." So, NO YOU ARE NOT over reacting. I am NOT saying to assume the worse, but I am telling you to think about it. There is no group of guys worth all the damage he is doing to your marriage. But there are other things that are. (in a mans mind)

Answer 8

I think there is no place for a married person to be in a bar without thier significant other. I think it is asking for trouble in the marriage. Why can't he have his buddies come over and drink there. In fact your husband will be home and not have to drive drunk. No matter what people say but if an attractive women was to approach your husband you better believe that those men will egg him on to go for it. I think it is disrespectful and yes he should be home with you.

Answer 9

I personally don't believe that married men should be hanging in the bars. Why is he even married if he doesn't want to be home at night. What is so exciting at the bar that he is neglecting you? No you are not overreacting you are trying to protect your home. Alot of affairs get started at the bar. At the bar there are no responsibilites so it looks greener on the side. Plus lets not forget the alcohol people tend to make decisions that they wouldn't normally make sober. Good Look.

Answer 10

no, you are not overreacting at all. You need to take a stand here and quick, cause until he gets help for himself, it will keep getting worse and worse. I too was married to a guy that went to the bar all the time, was hardly ever home. Was a drunk, drank his beer. But my ex drunk would get violent. I left. Yes it hurt to leave, but I had to. So, take a stand now, get help or you are gone. cause you will not put up with it.