Would this be allowed in a normal marriage?

Question

I bought my aunt a tulip bouquet from ftd.com for Mother's Day. I have gotten close to her and talk to her more sometimes than my own mother.

She really liked them and called to say Thank you. She put them on her table and said that it looks like Mother's Day because there are flowers on the table.

It did not cost me much, but it was important to me to show that I care.

I was thinking that during my marriage , I would have never been "allowed" to do these things. I was working and making money, yet had to check with him for everything that I did.

I also bought some clothes at Talbot's for myself. I got a good deal since it was 25% off the clearance price and I bought all clearance items. This would have not been allowed in my marriage also.

This is too controlling, I think. It feels funny to be able to do these things now though.

Answer 1

Not allowed to buy clothes and do nice inexpensive things for others is beyond controlling. He probably had some issues regarding finances from childhood or past relationships but it's still horrible to see that play out and cause the end of another relationship.

Answer 2

I don't know that there is any such thing as a "normal" marriage because people and cultures are so different. I think you mean a healthy marriage.

If you are no longer married then I assume yours was not a healthy one.

There is more to your question then just what you have shared. There are always three sides to a story, his side, her side and the truth which is usually somewhere in the middle.

There should always be discussion before any major purchases are made no matter who is making them. Depending on your financial situation major could be $500. or $ 5.

If you feel that you had no control then maybe there was not enough communication.

In any marriage, finances allowing, each spouse should have at least a small amount of disposeable income to spend as they see fit. However, one person handling the budget/checkbook is usually a good idea as long as the other person is not left in the dark as to where they are financially.

Answer 3

I think the word 'allowed' shouldn't even exist in a marriage to begin with. There should be some open communication so you both know where you stand. But, being allowed or not, by a spouse seems a bit controlling to me. I understand limiting expenditures when finances are strained, but that's not what you expressed here. I am glad for you that you are now able to do those 'little' things with your money as you wish. Good for you!

Answer 4

Sounds like you did the right thing getting out of that marriage.

Yes he was a control freak, I've been with my hubby for 25 years and he has never stopped me from buying anything for anyone, myself included.

He knows that I know not to spend money we don't have as he knows not to do it either, but if we can afford it there is no reason not to do it.

Marriage is 50/50 if your saving for something important together that's a different thing, but other then that there is no reason you should not be able to spend money for things you need or little things like flowers for a loved one.

Answer 5

Firstly I am glad that you are not treated this way anymore.
Women seem to always let the men they love treat them like dirt because they feel that this is what a normal marriage is.I however grew up around my parents who had a rough marriage and an even rougher divorce.
Just know that you are living a healty life and that no man should be able to control you so much that you lose yourself.

Answer 6

I am sooo very happy you are away from that man.

No and no. That is not a normal marriage. While a husband and wife do discuss big purchases.... house, car, appliances....little personal items like flowers and a good sale do not break the bank, and no woman needs permission. I am so glad you made the break. Many women do not and live a life of fear and hopelessness and utter despair.
Good for you, Hon!! A big round of applause for you!!!

Answer 7

Well thats ridiculous you would not have been "allowed" to do these things. One of the most important things in a marriage is to allow eachother to be their own individuals inside the marriage. Neither partner should be in control of the other. I hope you never get involved in a relationship like this again, if you're a mature adult, you should be treated like one...not like someones child - especially if that someone is your husband.

Answer 8

The actual funny thing is that u feel its funny 2 do something absolutely normal!!!

dont take that kinda crap from anyone in the future...
always remember that who doesnt respect u, doesnt love u..
and u dont wanna give ur precious love 2 someone who doesnt love u back.

its proved to b healthy, and a good way to release stress, to buy something althougth overpriced, sometimes...it makes u feel u can evade from the evryday-routine...
u shouldnt have 2 explain how & y u spend UR OWN money 2 anyone...especially to someone whos supposed 2 love u!

good luck!

Answer 9

In my own marriage I always listen to my husband, still he cannot tell me what to do with my own money. That's way too much. It's hard to shake off old habits, just one step at a time and you'll soon find that old life is way behind you for good.
Now you smile when you put on those new clothes and you tell yourself how utterly gorgeous you look in them.

Answer 10

Two ways to look at this; 1. the controlling husbnd factor and 2. if he was trying to budget the household finances and was watching for needless spending or where the money was going. Only you know the answer to that. Theres always two sides to every story and we are only getting one here but since you two are divorced anyway I guess our answers dont rally mean much