Please Help me on this....?

Question

I have been with my bf for years now and have only just started to realise how bad the communication is between us. He doesnt seem to like communicating much and often lives in his own bubble on the pc or games console. He doesnt have much motivation in life and we dont do alot outside of work. Obviously he isnt all to blame but i think i have just gone along with it bcos i obviously love him dearly but its getting frustrating . I would love to think that something could really change in our lives and we can move on..meaning marriage and selling our property as we need a bigger place but all these things will never be done bcos he seems happy to plod along in the same situation all the time and trying to get him to do serious stuff is a bloody nightmare..what do i do?

Just wanted to add that he is a very good man apart from the above things(dont want to make him sound like some animal) but i think that its important to move on in life and make the most of what u have and enjoy being with someone but he thinks its the contentment thing and being comfy with ur partner? what dya think?

I understand Verity..sadly this has been going on for what feels like forever and i cant tell u how many times i have tried to talk to him knowing that he is just nodding and wanting to watch tv!

Answer 1

you obviously shouldn't be together, if you feel you can open up to strangers but not him then you have big problems.

Answer 2

My ex was like this. All I ever saw was the back of his head as he played on the pc or PS or watched videos.

He truly loved sticking his head in the sand hoping it would all go away. I think this is a 'men' thing as my [now] husband has some of the same traits too! But he's more receptive.

They have a filtering system, to hear only what they need to hear but sometimes it just shuts down. You could suggest walking a few times a week, you tend to talk a lot after the first 15mins of walking. Something happens, you'll maybe hold hands again and open up. Just ask him if you can both have some 'quality' alone time together as you miss him. Tell him you MISS HIM until he actually listens. Once he replies, 'but I'm here' say 'no, you're inside that game' and smile. Wave. Say 'hello'. It might take a while but pursuade him to go out and do some of the things for e.g as you did when you were first dating, don't ask him to remember, see if he does by himself.

It's tough once they get engrossed in those games, you must give him time to play too, make that clear, you don't want him to stop, just that you want some time with him too.

:-) Good luck hun, I don't envy you xox

Answer 3

You know that lack of communication is the key so you know that you need to turn the key to solve the problem. Do the 'sweetheart, i really love you- but there is something bothering me and i would like you to set aside an hour to talk to me' thing. Then when you have his full attention tell him how you feel- try to get to the point- have a list (small- you have to keep his attention remember-) tell him how you feel. Suggest that you divide your time up- spending time in doing things 'together' and out, and devise a plan so that you both doing things you enjoy separately. My B/F used to come home and go straight to his pc and i used to get so distressed because i had been on my own for hours and hours. I talked to him about relationships and togetherness- now we have some time at our pcs together, we make the effort to go out once a week, or we curl up side by side and watch tv, or read our books. We are spending time together doing things we both enjoy and i feel less abandoned. If he refuses to play ball, you could try getting him to go to relate- and if you really can't get anywhere you have to decide where you happiness really lies.
Libs.

Answer 4

Sometimes life goes through phases where things bother you more at certain times then dont matter so much at another time~ before you make any major decisions be sure that youre not just "having a wobble"

Make him realise how much it means to you and have a chat about long term plans and if he is happy, that youre not and what you both really want. Make sure its a constructive chat- not a row and youre prepared to listen too- he may surprise you.
I used to think settling down, marrying etc was the be all and end all. You can have all that and a pants relationship. Talk to him.. he may surprise you. Good luck!

Answer 5

You have tried talking to him, doesn't look like he is going to change nor does it seems he considers his behavior a problem. You have to ask yourself are you willing to spend perhaps the next 50 years with little communication from someone? You may love him dearly now but the annoyance of this will gradually eat in to you until love turns in to resentment and annoyance. Looks like you will have to do something about this. Get his full attention one more time and if it is still not penetrating you will have to start making plans to divide your assets. Do this with the intention you are genuinely moving on and certainly mean it. However, it could be something like this that brings him to his senses but I wouldn't bet my life on it so don't do it just in the hope it will. Only other thing is to try and content yourself with the situation as at present I don't think it sounds like you can but only you really know what's in your head and your heart.

Answer 6

I have recently come out of a similar relationship.

Firstly - is this relationship worth the energy its going to take to fight for? If not - walk away. If it is - be warned - things won't change overnight!
If it is worth the fight I suggest you make a concerted effort to talk to him, several times if thats what is needed! Arrange an appointment with somewhere like Relate. Hopefully he will then see how serious you are about things changing (even if he won't go you can - and it will help you see things more clearly). Also try and go out regularly - even if its only once a month! If he doesn't want to out with you, then arrange to go out with friends - make sure you tell him what a good time you had (going for the jealousy here!) but also say that you missed him, and ask if would like to out some where (it might work!).
If none of that works - then its time to decide of this relationship is what you want, or if its time to cut your losses.

Answer 7

U HAVE TO HAVE A TALK WITH HIM IN WHAT DIRECTION U ARE HEADING IN.ULTIMATELY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS .YOU NEED TO START AS U MEAN TO GO ON IN RELATIONSHIPS ,KEEPING QUIET JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE ALWAYS ENDS UP IN CONFRONTATION.THE WAY U R HEADING NOW THAT BIG ARGUMENT IS COMING SOON.MAYBE THIS IS WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED, I DON'T KNOW IT WORKS FOR SOME PEOPLE.MAYBE HE NEEDS A SHORT SHARP SHOCK TO GET HIS MOTIVATION BACK ON TRACK.IF HE IS STILL THE SAME A MONTH DOWN THE LINE AFTER U HAVE THAT TALK.WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?. U R BANGING UR HEAD AGAINST A WALL IN TRYING TO CHANGE HIM,BUT ASK URSELF THE QUESTION IF U WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER WOULD U HAVE TO ?

Answer 8

Sorry to say but if this guy cant/wont change - you should end the relationship

You can already see the cracks and they are only going to get bigger.

Try talking to him - suggest the things you want to do outside of work/selling the house etc and see what happens

Answer 9

Hi, thats guys all over. I love to laze about, watch tv, tinker with my motorbike, go on the laptop and play my 360. Christ, I just got no spare time left lol.

But I can't because I got this little woman who is always peering over my shoulder and having a moan. Meet my partner lol.

If it wasn't for her I would be like your boyfriend. He sounds like a normal guy so you will have to change him bit by bit. It's up to you unfortunately but then AM SURE you can think of something to persuade him to help a little. Bit by bit you will get things to improve.

Answer 10

You BOTH need to sit down & have a LONG & SERIOUS talk as to where you are both heading. for goodness sake dont marry him thinking that will change him IT WONT. get rid of the games consoles & ban the TV for a month or so & start appreciating each other again, do things TOGETHER & you may just re-ignite that spark that attracted him to you & you to him

Answer 11

try fixing a grin on your face and kind of forcing him to go out with you and do things. when he is out, break the bloody TV. say things like, come on, we are going out for a walk/ drink/ swim/ meal. ask him questions that require him to answer. get a dog and make him be responsible for it.
it sounds as if you are both in a rut, and you are ready to move out before him, so you might have to drag him on a bit