Incest...rape...forget or remember?

Question

Okay, even if you have not kept up with the entire story. my wife of 18 years has just told me she does not want to be married, nor does she ever want to be with another man...EVER. that includes me...It would be imposible to give you all the details here, a short version I will try.

The fighting has all been about money...I took it all away.

I go to find out that her psychiatrist told her that in doing that, that I had taken the role of my wifes dad, and that my wife now feels I have fallen into the role of her dad. Now, he has helped her rememberd every little detail that my wife had experianced about her dad raping her. Ultimatey, it may end our marraige

OK...I'm confused.wouldn't his role to be to help her cope with the child abuse and get on with her life? not help her remember something so horrific? he has also refused to concill us together, claiming "conflict of interest."

My wife is lifeless...there is not a stitch of passion. Would U want to remeber? OR FORGET?

For those who asked about the money...my wife ran the credit cards up over $50,000.00, spent $45,000.00 of our savings, and told me all of it went to medical and utility bills. Fact is, she did not pay any of the bills that were due, which ruined our credit scores, our morgage adjusted to $700. more per month, and just recently, I have been served with nearly 5K more of collections for medical bills.

How and why did I let it get that far? For one, my mom and grandma past away in the last 24 month, and I was executor of the will. I have had to travel several times(they are back east, I'm in Colorado) to sell thier houses, pay their bills etc. I also work a job that requires me to work very long hours sometimes.

When your spouse takes care of the household, it is easy to hide the truth. She had credit cards I did not know existed. I shredded her Kolhs card 4 times, she got another one.

Taking the money away was vital to the survival of our family. We may just lose everything.

Answer 1

Your wife has to work this out, she wants to forget but she cannot help but remember, but she doesn't have to stop living because she remembers. She needs to just learn from the incident and move on. By being lifeless she is letting the past control her all over again. You should treat her normally, do not try to CONTROL her. Your actions sound brutal and controlling. Just be loving and do not care about yourself, leave that to her. If you give love without expecting to receive anything back you should get double or triple back anyway, unless of course your wife is a total selfish ***** and doesn't care one bit, then you should leave her to her own devices.

Answer 2

Ok, since I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I'll answer from that side - I did not know until I was 50 that had happened. I also then did some hard work to understand how that affected my life - which it did without my realizing those things as being a part of the control that the abuser had over my behavior. It has so much to with self image, self pride, self growth - everything is affected by being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Now since it was her father, how devastating. I think I would suggest that seeks counseling with another counselor - a good one will help her work through the pain of that memory - the anger, the hurt, the disappointment - all of those emotions.
I understand you taking the money - and she probably does also but wants an excuse to blame you for her pain. I would guess that charging the things that she did was soothing to her emotional turmoil. And that turmoil was probably going around in her before she even knew what had happened. Just being there and not making sexual demands on her until she has learned to deal with her pain is perhaps the best way to help her. She may call on you for just comfort without sexual involvement and be man enough to do that for her. Your seeing the counselor once in a while won't hurt either.

Answer 3

Your wife needs another therapist yesterday. It is far from common for a person to regress in therapy than to move on and get better. She needs help and so do you. How can you even tell these memories are not drug induced. I still don't get the concept of the conflict of interest bit. The therapist should have you involved to help her understand that you are the safe one. As far as wanting to know I am not sure. The way it sound your wife may not be pushing for it ether. I am very worried about her mental health and why the doctor is encouraging her to have you in. Unless your wife is not being fully honest with you and changing the facts to suite her needs.
Best of luck and do some digging for the two of you

Answer 4

I would want to remember but learn to put it in the past and not use it as an excuse for my shortcomings. Maybe your wife should get a job so she has money of her own and does not have time to sit around and think about her past. By her dwelling on her past she has given her dad the power to still control her. Maybe you could give her an allowance and when it is gone it is gone. Sounds like her therapist is an idiot although most of them are. The try to make more issues and dredge up more stuff instead of deal with and fixing the issues so the person can move on.

Answer 5

The psychiatrist is a quack. So far everything you have told me is a complete failure on the psychiatrists part to resolve issues. He doesn't want you there because your wife is paying the bills. His bills. She obviously wants to be rid of all men in her life (understandably) and the psychiatrist knows that if he involves you, that won't be possible, since you want the relationship to continue. He has helped bring the rape and incest to the primary focus. But this only guarantees future sessions, more $'s. If you want this marriage to work, get a new counselor. One that wants both of you to work together. This psychiatrist will do an about face if you inform him that your purpose is to fire him and get a competent counselor. My final advice.... divorce her! The problems you are about to face are going to be over whelming! Her history, his blood sucking desire to take all your $'s, and finally her hatred of all men. I think you should get a proficient counselor to do a quick evaluation, get a GOOD lawyer and escape this lose-lose situation. One more bit of advice!!!! Get her father involved! He is the one that is being accused of incest, and probably unjustly. He will also be a good source of extra income toward acquiring a second psychiatrist. Also, when the dust has cleared, sue the psychiatrist for mal-practice.

Answer 6

I think the psychiatrist is part of the problem and not the solution.As another answerer stated he wants the $ to keep coming in and he's made it clear he doesn't want to counsel you both so therefore he's gonna take her side and keep milking you.
It happened to me before my divorce, my husband was seeing a psychiatrist who was chugging down the $ while making my husband think I was crazy. When I finally went with him one session I realized how unethical he was and I realized he had no intention of helping our marriage, in fact he actually stated in the session "You might just as well get a divorce." and a few other unprofessional remarks. I truly believe he was a factor in causing my husband to file for divorce. Some psychiatrists are wonderful but there are some money hungry and manipulative greeds out there just like in all professions. You should get your own counselor.

Answer 7

oh wow!! thats horrible and i wont even try to be sympathetic either,because its the last thing people in pain needs but here is reality,forgetting about it: does more harm than good,FACT!!! but to recall each detail,and go though it with a fine teeth comb can bring things to normal.she needs your support and i dont think if you guys argue it will help anything,if you believe you are strong enough and you can handle what comes with it,then stand by her,if you are unable to help i suggest you save yourself before you both get pulled down.
i can understand why her passion disappear,i know you must be frustrated with bills and all,butat the end of the day is it all worth it.didnt you use to have a happy funfilled relationship before all this stirred up? is this memorable enough to keep you in tuned.
just face it if she is serious about what she said about not wanting a man including you,she may very well mean it; just be open and prepared for other challenges,you are in it until now,so that tell just how strong you are,
dont worry even SAMPSON had his breaking point.
God be with you.
thanks for sharing with us
take care.

Answer 8

Unfortunately, the only way to move on it is to remember. Something as traumatic as this can get blocked out of our memory. I was raped by my favorite uncle when I was 6-7 and I blocked it out. I had serious issues when it came to trusting a man and didn't know why. Through therapy, I remembered what happened and I was able to work through it. It's hard to see and even harder to have to be there to help her pick up the pieces of what someone else did to her but you may be all that she has. I mean the one man that we woman are always supposed to trust and look to for comfort and support is our daddies. When a father does something like this to you, who else is there for you. You start to think, is this a normal thing that daddies do or worse yet, what did I do to deserved this. My best advice to you is to be patient, loving and supportive without being pushy. She's going to have work this out on her own. As long as she knows that you're there for her, she'll come around and be there for you again.

PS> This also explains why when you do things that remind her of her father, she freaks out.

Answer 9

For me, I wanted to remember what happened to me and then work through it and move on.
I was molested by a family friend, and I as I got older and started dating, then later having sex, I always felt I was doing something bad and I hated myself afterward. I had actually blocked the abuse out of my mind, or at least refused to admit to it! Then after it ruined more then one relationship, I decided to get myself some help. I was able to talk about what I went through and I was able to realize it wasn't my fault. I also realized sex was a horrible thing when it's not being used against you, or for some perverts sick pleasure! Because of my therapy, I feel like it plays a major role in why I have been happily married to my husband for almost ten years, and why I'm raising healthy, happy children.
There are other counselors for you and your wife to go to together. It doesn't have to be the one she's already seeing, but she does obviously have to be willing to go with you. I think the advice her therapist gave her by saying you're taking on the role of her dad was a bit a out line, but it's obviously something your wife has said to him to make him/her think that. But whatever happens, you can't ask your wife to forget what happened to her and move on, because it's not that easy for a victim of abuse! We deal with it, we can't can't run from it.

Answer 10

from personal experience you cant ever forget about it there will always be emotional scars. scars are a sign of healing. i think that you and your wife need to find another therapist. a good one that will help her to deal with her past and try to save your marriage as a part of her healing. i have some advice for your wife this is a lesson that it took me years to learn. you cant make your husband pay for someone elses mistakes. i feel her pain but you cant think that all men are bad just because one man did something bad to you. i have been married for 12 years and i am in therapy and on meds. but my dr hasnt ever told me that i need to stay away from men. or refused to talk to my husband. it should be his goal to help your wife deal with the past and preserve her marriage. if you feel that he isnt doing that then you need to find another dr maybe a female.