It’s Saturday, December 1, 1979. Valencia orange sunlight inflates the room where my father is kicking ten colors of crap out of me. I’m breathing like a goddamn Olympic sprinter as burgundy black bubbles drip from my mouth and my nose and percolate the sun-splashed mess beneath my hands and my knees. In my mind's eye I can see the elixir up ahead now. It’s like someone has ripped a goddamn Caspian of a hole in the wall for me to climb through. If only I’d seen it before. If only I can get there.
I’m that way sometimes when someone’s beating me daffy—my mind travels; moseys off into the goddamn wilderness, or swims out across the ocean to Australia, or some place far away like that—where nobody knows me. I’m getting pretty damned good at it too. Sometimes I drift so far from the bastard who’s bashing me, he thinks I’ve lost my marbles or had a stroke or something. Like now, he’s kicking and yelling and having a hernia and all, and I’m telling you this stuff all the while. ...
2007-05-11 22:05:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Wayne - I'm amazed at the negative responses you've had! I've neen in the publishing business for forty years, read a zillion scripts, and judged prestigious competitions so I guess my opinion is worth something. Believe me, if I were a commissioning editor I'd definitely want to read on. You have a unique voice and if you have well thought-out characters and sufficient action in your story you're on to a winner. Criticism is just a part of the game, I'm afraid. Learn to live with it and keep on writing.
2007-05-11 23:46:51 · answer #1 · answered by Tamarind 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The first paragraph is tedious. Keeping the descriptions simple would be easier on the reader. I think the language is fine, though. If that's the way your character speaks, then I wouldn't dream of asking you to tone it down.
Anyway, two paragraphs is too short to determine if a book is good. Lots of good books have terrible beginnings, so my guess is that your readers would read a couple more pages before deciding.
2007-05-11 23:54:29 · answer #2 · answered by Kimbia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. You have too many mixed metaphors and and the style is just a little too colloquial for me. Some of your introjected "big words" feel a little too much like you just used your thesaurus. In other words, the voice isn't consistant. Additionally, I personally have read enough books about children getting hit by their parents.
On the plus side, I do appeciate your use of dissociation during the beating. That's very true to life, psychologically, and has not been presented nearly enough in literature.
2007-05-12 04:36:38 · answer #3 · answered by Daniel C 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Very firm and unique voice, and I am not bothered one bit by profanity, so I definitely would want to read the finished book. I don't know if I would buy it, as I don't know what it's about, but I would definitely check it out at the library, and I would definitely give it a good looking over at the bookstore.
2007-05-12 04:14:35 · answer #4 · answered by Bronwen 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No. Either go with the profanity (although goddamn has a very fifties feel to it, IMHO, the obscenity of choice in the 70s was defintely f-ing) or go with the lofty vocab (but inflates? percolates? incongruous choices I find) but the mix is too jarring for my tastes.
As far as characterization and plot go, too early to tell obviously but it sounds interesting. They don't call me the goddess of grammar for nothing though--I need my books to be well written.
2007-05-11 22:45:08 · answer #5 · answered by Goddess of Grammar 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
The scene is very intense and disturbing, so it hooks the reader and evokes some emotions. However, your addition of purple prose is so distracting, it yanked me out of the passage several times. Tighten your writing and forget the flowery descriptives.
2007-05-12 03:32:10 · answer #6 · answered by Autumn 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No. The use of colors is way overdone, and the instant profanity is offensive. Tone it down a bit.
2007-05-11 22:09:44 · answer #7 · answered by alstar333 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
i would read it, but you've got to leave out the heavy cursing. a little bit here and there makes it more realistic, but too much (especially strong language) is, well, too much.
other than that, it's really intriguing. i would probably read it.
2007-05-12 00:18:36 · answer #8 · answered by Bibliophile 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
That books seems interesting, I would buy it. its using quite a lot of very good describing words, used in all the right places.
2007-05-11 22:11:46 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
No, I am sorry but I wouldn't. It's a bit too graphic and descriptive for me.
2007-05-11 23:01:25 · answer #10 · answered by nawnndawn 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋