HELP!>>>>>>>>>>Lack of Sex in marriage?

Question

I take it very personally and start to question my manhood, am I attractive?, does she want someone else? does she have someone else? these things go through my head. I'm feeling that way tonite. We average if I'm lucky once a month (and NO that is not enough) I am so disgruntled we were in church last Sunday and the pastor was talking about how God's greatest gift to us was sex in marriage its pleasurable, wonderful and more fulfilling, and you have it much more often. I wanted to stand up and say Bull ****! but I didnt. That sermon has bothered me all week long and today was my 16th wedding anniversary. I got a bouquet of mixed colored roses and a musical card and delivered them to her at work on my way home. She was so excited.Then we went out to dinner when she got home from work and I told her how I feel. Her only suggestion was to talk to the pastor. Tell him that isnt how it is in my marriage. I want it to be like in the sermon. What do I do now?

Answer 1

I think maybe you both should seek counseling to get to the root of the problem...maybe you wife does not see sex as an important everyday thing..maybe she should see her GYN and have a workup to see if her hormone levels are out of normal range.. there are many things which can cause a woman not to want sex... children, stress, or maybe your not going about it the right way...I use to work with this man he said men complain they don't get enough sex but, must men don't know how to get it, he said making love is not just in the bed it starts when you wake in the morning by a simple touch on the hand....a kiss on the cheek, telling her she is beautiful , mind you this man has been happily married about 18years....

Answer 2

You both should get counseling. Maybe there's an underlying reason why she doesn't give it up more. It would also help if she went to the doctor to see if maybe it could be related to hormones. Talk to you pastor, talk to the doc, and most importantly talk to eachother! You've made the first step by letting her know this bothers you. I think you both should sit down the your pastor now.

ETA: If your wife went through anything that was sexually traumatic when she was younger-she may view sex differently than you. There is a REALLY good book that my pastor recommends members read called The Act of Marriage. This book has seriously helped tons of marriages in my church. Usually you can check a copy out at the library or purchase it online. It's worth it!

Answer 3

I have felt that pain. In my experiences I have come to the conclusion that some people really don't like sex that much, men and women alike (of course I don't know about the men in experience), I know that everyone says that they like sex but I know for a fact that just isn't true. To find a solution to your problem I would suggest trying something new like outdoors or maybe just asking her about her fantasies, could be something as simple as a massage or position. Good luck.

Answer 4

Well, it certainly raises the question of how something which is identical to marriage can be treated differently from a marriage. Is my marriage to my wife a marriage, or is it identical to marriage as defined by the State, and so unconstitutional? Personally I fell the law should be enforced, all marriages since 2005 revoked, and let the People know just how screwed up it is to deny someone marriage.

Answer 5

The idea of talking to your Pastor is both good and bad. It is good because the pastor can act as an intemediary between the two of you and help solve some of the issues that you guys are having. The bad is the responce that she gave you. She told you to talk to the pastor. This is not the way it should be. She just avoided the situation. This conversation should be between you and her and not through third parties. Albeit, in your cituation a third party might come in handy. What you need to try to do is to get to know the whys of her action or lack of action. There must be a reason why she does not feel in the mood. Now this reason could be many things. I mean it could be something silly but it could be some more deeply rooted problem.

My wife and I have sex at least twice a week. We would have more but not pass 4 times a week if it wasn't for the crazy schedule we have. So, when you say once a month then it is really odd. One example that I have already mentioned is the schedule. Sometimes we are just too tired. Other times we are not in the mood. But these are quite normal. It is also normal to go for long whiles every now and then but not all the time. Some causes of lack of sexual appetites can be:

1) Stress - how stress full your life is and how each person handles that stress. Some people when under stressed try to achieve relief through sex. Other people like me get turned off. Many things can cause stress like lack of money and high bills. Also, drugs, family cituation so on and so forth.

2) The persons health. A person who exercise regularly and eats well will have a higher sexual drive because they'll have more energy. if you are sick or have some medical condition, performing may not be the first thin in your mind.

3) Lack of communications. There are times where I feel like I cannot communicate with my wife. This to me is a mayor turn off. At least for me I have to connect emotionally and feel important. When I feel she doesn't listen to my silly stuff I don't feel as attracted to her. This doesn't happen all the time but ocationaly. Note that she has also mention this from my side. Meaning me not being attentive. So, if you feel distant then that will affect your sex life. You should create an environment where she is free to confide in you and vice versa. Easy said than done right!

4) Belief system. People that are deeply religious tend to have a bit of more sexual problems than the more atheist of us. The reason is that religious people tend to view sex more as taboo. something to be hidden and not talked about. Sex is a subject that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. It all depends on the subject matter and the way you are brought up. It is possible that your wife may feel some guilt or have some hang up about sex based on her religious belief. In this case talking to your pastor is an excelent idea.

5) Bad experiences. By these I mean molestation, rape and the likes. If you have been a victim of such acts or have witness such acts then you will more than likely have sexual problems as an adult.

6) physical attraction. Sometimes we let ourselves go or we are not as good looking as the guy or girl in the cover of the magazine. Good hygiene and the likes is important.

7) Our partner loves someone else. That si they are cheating.

Notice that only 1 of the 7 things I mention was about cheating. Meaning that just because we are going through hardship does not automatically equate to cheating.


How to solve the issue:

Well, I don't think there is a silver bullet for this type of problem. I think your best course of action is to open the communication lines between you and your wife. Try to find out what it is that is bothering her. Choosing the apopriate time to talk about the subject is also important. Maybe the best way is to sk questions but word your questions carefully. Yes, the hard part is being diplomatic about this. Take into account that sex is a very sensitive subject for most people. I would start my question by asking her what her view on sex is. You know, what is sex? what does sex means to her? I would not include you in the questions at the start. If you do she may feel threaten as in being cornered. What you want to do is get her talking about the subject. Let her talk about what is sexy? (according to her not to you unfortunately). What is it about that actor on that tv show that you like so much? ect ect. Then you start introducing yourself into the conversation. You can say things like "Honey, I feel like you and me are growing distance". I mean put in in your own word. But remember the questions or comment you say are really meant to get her talking. I'll give you an example:

Lets say you want to know how good a certain meal is. So you ask your coworker Bob how is his lunch right. so what is Bob's responce.

You: how is that (name of meal) you got there
Bob: is good.
You: I can imagine, but is it spicy, or more garlicky?
Bob: Oh is a bit spicy but not like my first wife used to make.
You: What do you mean, how was your ex wive (name of meal) different than this one.
Bob: She used to make this (name of meal) with extra.........

You see you aregetting the person to talk about it. If the person still seems a bit reluctant then introduce your own meal story.

You: I went to the stake house the other day and I had the best spare ribs ever. They where so tender the meat would melt in your mouth .........

The the other person will tell their eating experience. So, do something like this with your wife but lean more toward sex.

Answer 6

do excercise, abstain from sex and focus more on romance and poetic atmosphere, but first stay away from each other for like 6 months, drink plenty of water, excercise, eat a balnced diet, be less stressfull, stay away from tv, or radio, and go to the mountains or forrest and relax, think nothing of sex ever. then after six months come back, also check your well being, don't smoke, stay away from margerine or butter. also as a stimulant take "cats claw" or"horny goat weed" to repair yourself in the later stages of the six months.

Answer 7

there are a lot of reasons a woman can have a low sex drive, some of it could be stress, resentment toward the spouse, feeling unattractive, hormone levels imbalanced...which can be taken care of by a doctor visit...i could go on but there are just too many reasons.

Answer 8

Sounds like your wife has the problem not you. You both should seek the help of a professional therapist to help resolve this issue.

Answer 9

All u need to do is watch porn with her. I know it sounds bad but if u do, the both of u will get all hot and bothered. And do each other like rabbits

Answer 10

I'm having the same issue, except I'm the wife. Let me know what to do when you find out. Good Luck.