can someone help?

Question

i am a 50yr old man,married for 25yrs,and suddenly my wife tells me she had an abortion 30yrs ago.I am totally stunned, does anyone have any advise.not even her family has ever told me

Answer 1

At this point have a discussion with your wife and find out why she did it, and why she never told you.

Show her that you care by simply having a rational conversation with her.

Answer 2

Sorry to hear that. I'm sure there are a multitude of feelings you are experiencing about it right now. Let's look at some possibilities. She might have been too frightened all this time to tell you for fear of how the news would effect your relationship. That is quite an amount of time to keep it from you, so it is safe to say that it had quite an impact on her too.

Assuming that the abortion happened before you met her and that she was 20 years old or so, youth brings all of us face to face with harsh consequences of our young judgement. Given another chance to make the same decision but with the wisdom she has now, I am sure she would not elect to abort the pregnancy. I also doubt that she would have chosen to be pregnant in the first place.

Consider that the abortion may have been a decision made to prevent her from suffering a health risk, and/or considerable scorn from the community if she had the baby out of wedlock.

I don't know you, her, or your experiences so you have to examine things for yourself. But most of all, try to be supportive of her and let her know how you truly feel at the time you ever discuss it. And understand too, that as time goes on that you may find yourself feeling differently that what you have already said. Even so, you must keep the lines of communication open with her.

But all things considered, I strongly suggest that you seek counseling and don't wait to go if she is reluctant. The important thing is that you sit down with someone trained to deal with such issues and let them know what we on the internet don't know so that you can receive the advice that can help you better.

Answer 3

That's history, but if u were the father, then I can understand ur concern, if u were not the father, let it go as apparently it happened before u met her. Maybe it`s been bothering her all these yrs. and she just had to get it off her chest now. If u were responsible for the pregnancy, ask her why she did not tell u at the time, then try to let it go as u both were very young, talk it over once and if she`s been a good wife to u, then close that chapter and try to go on with ur lives.

Answer 4

It sounds to me that this has been eating at her for a long time and that she felt that she needed to tell you now. I think you just need to be supportive and understanding there must have been some good reasons why she had done this. The past is the past just carry on as usual do not let a thirty yr old
decision mess with the great marriage you two have built.

God Bless and Best Wishes.

Answer 5

First of all I have to say that it bothers me to hear some one say something like to let it go, I mean why even answer if your not going to give any good advise. And second On the real question. I just wounder how can some one be so selfish on holding something like that for so long. I would feel betrayed in a way. Were you and her together 5 years before you were married with her?

Answer 6

The important thing is that she feels comfortable and trusts you enough to share her deepest, darkest secret. Build on that. I know this type of revelation can be very shocking but think how much it's been bothering her all these years! The best thing you can do is just be an understanding, non-judgmental shoulder for her to lean on. If it's been an issue for her, you may want to gently recommend counseling. It will help you both. Also she told you because she trusts you; keep her trust and let her be the one to tell her family.

Answer 7

I'm sure it's surprising to you, like your wife has led a double life, but it happened decades ago before she even met you, when she was young and probably under pressure. Talk it out with her if she will, but it's probably just best to let it go.

Answer 8

Jut talk to her. If ur marriage has lasted for 25 years, then u'll have faced quite a number of obstacles. Just sit down, have a chat and hopefully u'll get ur answer.

Answer 9

well that is a horrible thing to do but keep in mind young adults don't know how to react when an unplanned thing like pregnancy happens there was probably a lot of factors involved during that time in her life and I think you guys should talk about it.

Answer 10

Its an opportunity for you! How you deal with it is up to you. Do you condemn her or do you accept and move on? Tough choice. It has been a huge burden for her to carry and she has confided in you. Do you treat that as an insult or do you embrace and support her and show your understanding. Its your choice.