What do you do when your spouse doesn't like the same activities as you?

Question

We are spending more and more time apart because she likes other things. We can't find things to do together. She suddenly became very social and wants to be out at bars w/her friends and what not. She goes out after work with friends w/o a phone call. I'm not one for the bar scene. I don't drink and I'm married. Not fun for me. We've talked a number of times about what we can do but get nowhere. Thats all she likes to do. I like to do other things that she doesn't and would like her to show an interest in SOMETHING. This has become a pressing issue of hers. She starts to cry now when we talk about it. I don't know what to do.
We both don't want to make eachother do things we don't want to do but at the same time we want to be together. It's tearing us apart.

Answer 1

You going to have to make yourselves uncomfortable occasionally. Could you take her dancing? to a comedy club? How about dinner and the theater? This may sound expensive but not compared to drinking in a bar and it is Worth it if it saves your marriage.

I have been married twenty-two years and a major part of making it work is accommodating the other person's needs. Granted it would be nice if she would meet yours but try meeting hers first and see what happens.

Answer 2

It is good for a marriage when both partners have activities that they can enjoy by themselves. For example a man may like to play golf while his wife likes yoga or bridge. Both activities are non-threatening to the other and yet satisfy each others need for some alone time. Find activities where you can be with friends and yet not threaten the sancity of your marriage. When you marry, you do give up some of the things you enjoyed when you were single. It’s not a death sentence though.
There are however, activities that are not healthy for a marriage, especially when done separately. Some examples of this are, going out clubbing with your friends, going out gambling, going out to any social event where members of the opposite sex are there. This may sound prudish but once you are married, these kinds of activities are threatening to your spouse.
Me more sensitive to each other and respect each others feelings.

Answer 3

It sounds like you both need a longer, more indepth talk about this.

Make a concession--could you go to a bar to play Trivia TOGETHER once a week? I don't drink either, but a few times a month I go with my husband to the bar to play trivia together. It's fun, and I stick with my water.

If she cries, tell that you are more scared of what could happen to your marriage if you DON'T discuss this. Explain that if now is not the time, to give you a time when she IS ready. You can't just let this go--it's bothering you, and the longer you let it fester, the harder it will be for you to resolve this issue.

Answer 4

This sounds familiar. A couple of years ago I went through a stage where I went out to a local club every Sat. night. One night I got a little carried away and had to take a cab home. It was not an easy thing to explain to my children why my car was parked where it was. My children are not young enough to hide such a thing. My husband did not get mad, it was worse. He was disappointed that I came home walking side ways. We now have a deal. I will never go that far and I only go out with the girls one night a month. The club scene is not for my husband and he is shy to be out with me because he is so much older than me. To me it is no big deal but it is an issue for him. We came up with a great compromise. We bought season hockey passes and season theater tickets. Things we both like one we can get crazy at and one I get to wear the pretty gowns he buys for me. Find a common ground one for her and one for yourself that you both will enjoy.

Answer 5

HOLLY CRAP - That's EXACTLY like what I went through !!

A few months later, I discovered that she had been cheating behind my back with another guy. I'd bet you $1,000 that she's already seeing another guy and that's why she cries when you try to talk about finding something to do that would be in common with both of your interests.
I even went out and bought a $900 tandem bicycle so that we could go bicycling together so that she wouldn't have to pedal . None of that got her to want to go bike riding though. Instead, she wanted to go to the bars even more. I later found out that she wasn't going to the bars, she was visiting Richard and screwing him. After 7 years of marriage, she was just bored with me, the same way your wife is bored with you.

Sorry about the bad news pal, but if I were you, I'd prepare myself for the up comming divorce. Find someone who enjoys the same activities as you. Go to ''Eharmony.com'' and date women who have similar interests as you.

Good luck and I hope you find happiness in life with a partner who wishes to do the same things as you do.

Answer 6

She sounds like a woman on the verge of an affair.

Are you keeping YOUR end up by affirming your love and her desirability/attractiveness? When women go out in groups, it's often because they want some male attention. If you aren't giving her enough, she WILL seek it elsewhere....whether sex is involved nobody could predict.

Go with her occasionally, but make her promise that for every time you accompany HER, she must go with YOU to one of your things....whether it's a race, a swap meet, antique shopping, whatever. Marriage is all about compromise----and it sounds like neither of you are giving an inch!

Answer 7

Well I think you may what to change and accomodate her life style. Go to the bar with her onnce in a while even though you may not like it. AT least you go for different reasons. You go for the the love you have of your wife. I think this is a good reason for you to go along. At the same time she will feel good to have your support as well...

Slowly she may do the same for you too.. and who knows you may ended liking each other activities or some of the activities...

take care..

Answer 8

Tell her to stop crying, she is using the crying to get you to shut your yap. It's called a feminine wile. Anyway....I like the compromise idea, so what if you don't like going to bars and she doesn't like movie night (or whatever it is you like to do) Each week you all TOGETHER do one thing that she has arranged and one thing you have arranged. No bad behavior allowed, no sighing, no pouting, nothing. You might be surprised that with a smile pasted on your face and a good attitude, you might have some fun and so might she.

Answer 9

You guys are heading for heartache if you keep this up.
Hanging out in bars is not an innocent thing, don't be naive.
Keep searching until you find something you can do together. There must be something you are both interested in. Cooking class, dancing class, bike riding, hiking, sports games, concerts.

Answer 10

First, Take your time with this. Pressure only makes things harder. Both of you need to really think that this relationship is going to work.

I have been married for many many years, and we go through periods from time to time when we do not connect. But, one thing we know and ask yourself this question...Do both of you see a future with each other...If so, take your time and it will work out.