Trouble with marriage..would be very appreciate to get as many feedback as possible!?

Question

Having marital problems. I am 30 and my wife for 7 yrs. is 34. We have 2 kids 6 & 4. My wife told me she was not in love with me any longer. She had been feeling this way for some time but never revealed her true feelings to me until now. To her, our marriage is over and there is no chance for recovery. She is determined to find her "happiness" somewhere else. All this time I thought I was providing her with all the happiness she wanted -- emotionally, mentally and physically. I don't drink, smoke, and I'm not abusive to her or the children. But for some reason I'm not worth a second chance. She wants to continue to stay here until we can financially afford to separate. But I'm living an emotional roller coaster. I never thought she would stop loving me. What can I do to save my marriage when she is so determined to be by herself. She tells me she wants to find her happiness with herself. What can I do? I will always love her and do not want to lose her. She is not seeing anybody.

Answer 1

You aren't going to change her mind. Get the kids. Kick her out. You sound like a decent man. She'll take you for all you're worth.

Don't be too sure there isn't another man. Frequently they're keeping it quiet to make sure they get everything before the judge. Once they get what they want you'll get to meet him. Now's not the time to feel sorry for yourself. Get a good attorney, I'll bet she has one.

Answer 2

I think leaving her alone for right now is probably a good idea. Nevertheless, you can try signing up for marriage counseling. Your wife will probably not want to go (mine didn't either). I went without her for awhile before I asked her if she would like to go. I made sure that I did not pressure her into anything but she saw some changes in me that made her curious. Eventually she started going to counseling with me. Also, I bought a book by John Gottman called "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail".
Fortunately, our marriage turned around. I can not say that we are out of the woods yet, but it is so much better then the way it use to be. We have discovered that our main problem had to do with the way that we communicated to one another.
I do not know if any of this will help you with your marriage, but I wanted to give you an alternative to just ending it all. Although I am a new member to the group, I thought this community was about keeping marriages together.

Answer 3

This is probably not going to be the popular answer but I'll say it anyway...

If you honestly love this woman and want to save the marriage my suggestion is to give her the space she needs. She isnt saying it's about you or something missing from the marriage - it doesnt sound like there is something you can do better to fix things. It seems that she is searching for something within herself, which is common for people in their late 20's and early 30's.

I would ask if the divorce could be put on hold for 6 months to a year and revisited later. Tell her to do whatever she needs to do to work things out within herself.

Let her go and you have a 50/50 chance that she will work it out and then come back to the marriage. Otherwise it sounds like it's a done deal.

Best of luck, you are truly in a tough position.

Answer 4

I am so sorry you are in this place. I seriously doubt that there is anything you can do to find the love again, it may never have been there on her side. BUT..you can learn from this if at least she will tell you the truth! Find out why she fell out of love with you, find out what you have done for years that has killed whatever love she may have had, find out what you could have done differently. Listen carefully, some of the most important lessons we learn are at the expense of great pain. Listen, choose to live and move forward with your life. Because this phase ends does NOT mean you will not have a new life, and ...in all probability, your new life will be very much better than what you have had. You do not know the difference in 'good" and 'average' at this time, for all you have had is average. And do not feel you will be alone..the world is literally stuffed with single women who are lonely, want a companion/lover/husband...if you open your heart to new love, you will find it. It will take about one year to heal, then go for it. Do not waste this time wanting the old back, for that is PAST. Spend it, instead, finding happiness from within yourself. All women were not created equal, thankfully. Keep your eyes open the next time around, make sure you do not transfer any love you have for your wife to a new woman, for that would be very unfair to her. Good luck

Answer 5

Well this is complicated, but simple. First of all, if your wife has been feeling this way for quite some time, then you won't be able to change her mind. Leave her alone. Don't try to talk her out of her decision. Once a womans mind is made up about no longer loving a man, it's over and there is nothing you can do...except....

Give her what she wants. She wants to be left alone and try to move on without you. Let her do this and don't show any signs that you even care. Don't be an asss though. Just be polite, respectful and supportive. I guarantee, once she feels as if you are willing to let her go, if there is any love left, she will come running back to you. If there isn't any left, then accept it and move on.

Sorry things turned out this way, but she should have talked to you about this long before her feelings got to where they are now.

Answer 6

Sounds like shes over whelmed, maybe really stressed out, it sounds like she has the feeling of just getting away from it all. Theres only so much you can assume from this, but I would suggest you seek a counseler or someone that can help you 2, I truely believe that we all need someone in our lives that will push us to do whats right, give us encouragement, someone to hold us accountable, etc. and not someone that will agree always on what we say. There is for sure some hurt in your relationship from something or someone. Its great that your seeking help! I believe you need to open the doors of communication, find out exactly why she feels the way she does and what she thinks "happiness" is and seek a way to help your family and or seek some counseling. You know that myth " The grass is greener on the other side" she might have bought into that lie, I don't know. But do seek some help with someone, don't try to fix it all yourself.

Answer 7

"In love" and "loving" are not the same thing.

"In love" is that state of picturing your perfect life with someone. It has less to do with the person and more to do with the dream life you will have.

"Loving" is accepting someone (good&bad) completely.

It takes time to really know someone. After 7 years she knows you and you know her. This is the time where you can fully accept each other and in part stop being "in love" with each other and start "loving" each other.

HERE IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO:
Seperate your financies. Get a new savings & checking acct under your name only. Have your check deposited into your private acct. You need to now be fair when it comes to money NOT GENEROUS. Pay half the rent, half the cable bill, half the gas bill and anything else you share, however don't pay her car payment or have her help you pay your car payment. You pay for your stuff and she pays for hers. Anything you don't spend SAVE and she is free to do the same. When it comes to credit it cards and debt you need to cancel and pay them off. Remember NOT to use YOUR MONEY, but have both of you budget in an amount to which each of you pays each month. If that is too hard you may want exchanged debts like you take the $5K debt on the VISA and she takes the $5K on the MASTER CARD. Remeber you are being FAIR, just NOT GENEROUS.

What will happen is she will be upset that you aren't letting her have her fresh start clear from debt and the normal stuff that everyone hates. However, she will also start to see what you do provide. Feel free to email me if you want feed back or just moral support.

Answer 8

You can fight selfishness right now.
The only thing I would do is give her the room and hope she will see what she missed during this time.
What has happened is she misses the "honeymoon sensation." This "over the top" feeling of ecstasy she no longer has and deep down believes she won't get it again in the marriage.
Go down memory lane when you both fell in love, make the time, take time off from work, get the babysitter. Don't wish like mine is right now...my wife and I spend little time together, very little spark. Marriage changes after time.

Answer 9

I am going through the exact same thing right now I am 34 and have been married for ten years and have 2 boys 8&10. we are in the same boat with the wife staying until we can afford to financially start another household. I am also on the proverbial emotional rollercoaster because I thought everthing was great as well until I was offered a career 500 miles away from our current home making a great deal more money and on the way back home she tells me the exact same scenario you describe. She has stayed for two weeks now and started to waiver slightly but the commitment to stay is not there. she says she will take it one day at a time but for now its just a waiting game.my wife and I are best friends and she says for now she will stay but tomorrow she may not feel that way. the constant level of anxiety that I feel is tearing me up and I have felt like I either want to cry or vomit constantly for the last 2 weeks although I try to be strong and dont want to show those emotions to my children. you cant guilt lie promise or decieve your way into making her stay because that will not last .I feel your pain. What is it about that second chance that we so desperatley seek? my wife has also described that she is determined her happiness can only be found if shes away from me and she admits she may be making the mistake of a lifetime and that I am the greatest husband a woman could ask for but she wants to risk it on a roll of the dice for the unknown feeling of happiness that she feels is out there.millions are divorced ever year and alot are justified because we both know what life is really like for some my marriage has not been ruined by infidelity money lack of communication lack of help from me with our boys or with housework I fully believe that its not a 50/50 marriage its 100/100 both have to give 100% as Im sure you also believe. I honestly believe that there are spiritual forces that work against us. I dont know if you are christian but I believe that the devil knows that the easiest way to bring us down as a people is to destroy the family unit. I pray everday that God will show me grace and save my marriage and I must let him take the feelings that I have and put the situation into his hands.I know that I must do my part and try my best to show my wife that I unconditionally love her and that the feelings she has are valid and ask her to share them with me to try to let her know that despite the circumstances I Love her and I will do my best to listen and understand.like I said she is starting to waiver.God is working in my marriage and I must absolutley have faith in that because without it I could not make it. I will pray for you and your marriage.

Answer 10

My answer is kinda spiritual so forgive me in advance~

I would turn to the Lord in prayer. His Word says that if we will delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our heart. Pray that He will show you where your wife is feeling unfulfilled. Pray that He would show you how to be an even better husband. Ask Him for the strength to stand when you've done all you can. Ask Him to remove whatever binds are holding her mentally and emotionally. There is tremendous power in the tongue. Speak life over your marriage.Thank God in advance for saving your marriage and giving your wife a love for you that is only rivaled by her love for Him....

As the Head of your home, God has given you a creative word to speak into the life of your wife, your children and your marriage. You are a gentle spirit but you have to have a David like spirit about defending whats yours. If you read in the Bible, he got in Goliath's face. He said with confidence "I WILL defeat you. You will NOT have victory over my people!" You have to be that way about your marriage. Let your wife know that (though she is older) you are not just going to give up on your marriage like this. Give it to God, pray about it and then "stand back and watch the salvation of the Lord" amen?

My husband and I will lift you both in prayer~