Hubby and son trouble?

Question

I'v a son of 11, always in some kind of trouble.
nothing bad, he's not that kind of boy, just he's a bit of a classroom clown, gulable, and always easily lead astray.
My husband seems to have no patients, looses his rag with him, always shouting, cant talk things through, and im sick of playing goosberry sorting and calming the situation.
Any suggestions from others in the same boat,
mams keeping dads calm or dads not being able to deal with things calmly.
most appreciated
x

I'm no push over, and my son doesn't get his own way. He looses privleges when in the wrong and gains them back when in the right.
But why must men hav to shout so much, what is gained by it, other than the lack of lov from the one being shouted at.

And the notion is not to ditch the hubby, its to sort things out.
By no means is he a bad hubby, just a loud one.

Answer 1

baby girl, you have to sit down with your husband and discuss how to approach you kid. make him understand that volume doesnot make the difference. it's a tough talk, but you need to make it plain and clear. and you're correct. you can get a better result just calmly talking. the main thing is that you kid understands your message (you and your husband both). good luck.

Answer 2

I'd be looking at your partner's childhood. What are relationships like between your partner and his parents? Could be copying old patterns.
What was he like at school? Could be trying to prevent his boy making the same mistakes, in which case, talking it through could help.
Could be frustration. What is not going well in his life at the moment? A quiet chat about better ways of dealing with stress might help.

Does your husband feel bad after these outbursts? How about asking him (during a quiet time) if he thinks all this shouting produces results e.g I know John can be frustrating to deal with, but do you honestly think that shouting at him has produced any improvement in his behaviour?
Do you think intervening helps, or does it drag out the agony? Playing the rescuer feels right, but can set up a pattern where your husband and your son have no reason to sort things out because they know you will jump in.
A lot of fathers have difficulty with their relationships at this time.

For practical tips, got to Parentlinplus at www.parentlineplus.org.uk. They have downloadable stuff, a helpline, and do courses on how to sort out family squabbles.

Answer 3

i have 3 kids. my eldest son, as a teen was a git. i used to shout and scream and swear. he would do the same. my husband was the calm one. anyway, the point is we got through it. my son is 26 now. he has a masters degree and a good job. he rings me every day. he is a great bloke. he said to me once that he had a great childhood. i said that my memories were that we were always fighting. he replied, yes, it was fantastic, i always felt that you loved me enough so i could be a total bastard and you would still love me. i felt safe enough to be a ****.
i don't know if this helPS. but i hope it gives you some encouragement. ps, if you are getting sick of being the calm one, try losing your rag for a change, get in there first. i know that i was the one who shouted and that was because i felt safe in the knowledge that my husband would calm it all down

Answer 4

Have You Tried Sitting Down And Telling Him How You Feel? Or Try One Of Theses Wife Swaps, Or Trading Spouses, Or Nanny, Nanny 911, Or Supper Nanny? Something Has To Work.

Answer 5

I know it seems awful sometimes, and it isn't easy on you, but it is actually good, in my opinion, for a child to see 2 different ways of approaching a problem. From your husband he sees male traits like anger and bloistering. From you he sees calm and learns to talk things out. This will allow him to grow into a man that can exibit both sides, and pick the traits that most define him. Trust me, I believe children must see both of these sides growing up, or later in life they can not deal with them when another person exhibits them to him.

Answer 6

Get in touch with your mother in law and find out how "perfect" your hubbie was at 11. Have a laugh with him at the things he used to get up to..... theres bound to be some
Just so you can remind him that his son cant act like a sensible adult cos hes bloody eleven.

Im convinced now that most men are arses -

Answer 7

How quickly some parents forget that they were the same way as a child. your son may just get into real trouble because of his dads attitude towards him. talk to your son often and try to make him understand what is going on with his dad's attitude. he has only you to talk too.

Answer 8

Have you guys tried family counseling and maybe the father with some individual counseling?
I know I have tried to get my little girl's father into some family counseling because of his habitual lieing, retaining me. Not thinking about our daughter first before he does stupid things.

Answer 9

why would you live with a man that cant do any thing but yell at your son. we as the parent are suppose to protect our children. no wonder hes acting out. if hubby cant find some patients and stop yelling then he needs to go. its that simple.

Answer 10

Everyone has their own distinct personality and characteristics and this is reflected in how they deal with and handle difficult situations. Your husband appears to be the kind that has a very short fuse and always ready to react with loud words (shouting) when something wrong happens. Kids at 11 usually can drive parents up the walls with their antics and I suppose your kid is as normal as any others the same age.

First, let me tell you that you are not the only parents in the world having problems with their kids. I have had similar problems with mine and there was a time when I, too, lost patience and blew my top. For an adult, it is not easy to understand why a kid of 11 would do the things they do!!! I have discovered that sometimes the reason why we are annoyed with our kids and tend to let fly is because we put too much expectations on them - we want them to be like us and when they do something differently, against our expectations, we get mad and we shout at them. Kids at 11, wants to be treated as grown-up, to be given due recognition as one able to decide and think for themselves but we, as parents, always consider and see them as little kids and try to protect them and in so doing, restrict them, resuting in their rebelling against us and we then end up shouting at one another.

How to deal with your situations? Some advise but not necessary to be followed if you think that they don't meet your situation:

1. Find a good time, when your husband is feeling good and positive, to sit down and talk to your husband about his shouting and yelling at your son and how you feel about it. (Actually, it is not as bad as you think because although he shouts, rants and yell, he does not abuse and beat up your son). Explain to him that you understand that the reason he gets so upset is because of his love for his son and wanting to correct him and that you appreciate him for this fact. Reinforce this with more positive points about his relationship with his son, citing recent examples (I am sure that apart from the shouting, he is a good father and must have many plus points!!) to further encourage and create a conducive environment so that you can work out with him a better way for both of you, as parents, to handle your son's problems without having to have one shouting and the other trying to calm the situation.

2. Having more quality family time together would create a stronger bonding between family and ease the tension, providing for better communication between one another. The communication gap ( between parents and kids can be a factor that can cause problems - it is harder to understand how kids of 11 (teens) think nowadays compared to our time, so by spending more time together would build a stronger bond of trust and respect for one another and in that way pave the way for better communication at all times. One way I find that works (for me, at least, is to have a family time of prayer together at least once a week - As a Christian, I subscribe to the practice that "the family that prays together sticks together".)

3. As a man, I find that sometimes the stress and pressure builds up because of workload and urgent datelines, etc and under such conditions, we tend to be easily agitated / irritated by little things at home, especially after arriving home after a long tiring day only to find out that little Johnny boy has done it again - The result: we just blow off our top without any hesitation, letting all the pent-up pressure and stress out on poor little Johnny boy. If your husband is having difficulties at work, under heavy pressure, then you might talk to him about learning to destress, to leave all these pressures at the office instead of bringing them home and causing undue stress on the family.

3. Attend some parenting seminars, get some good books on bringing up kids (Dr. James Dobson) or get help from counsellors, if the situation gets worse.