My Fiancé and I have been together for 5 years! And have been friends ever sense high school. About 6 months ago he asked me to marry him! I was so excited and he knew that I wanted to get married so badly! I tried to never “push” him about us getting married, but yeah sure it came up a few times. Well now that we are engaged I would at least like to set a date. September 13th 2008. That is about 1 ½ years from now. I don’t think myself that is too soon, it gives us a bunch of time to plan things and not have to rush, but every time I try to talk about us getting married I get blow off or shunned. I sometimes feel that when he asked me to marry me he wasn’t really ready. It was more like a promise to one day get married. I understand that he isn’t an emotional person and sometime talking about this makes him uncomfortable so I want to know how I can talk to him about it without seeming pushy or making him uncomfortable… Oh I can’t wait for the day when the “Kids” subject comes up, ha that should be fun! But right now I just want to get married!!
2007-05-11 09:38:39 · 19 answers · asked by Kate 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need to talk to him, not in a way that you're looking for an official date. Marriage is a scary thing. Especially from a guy's standpoint, it's the guy that normally takes the financial brunt of things if it doesn't work out.
Find out what his fears are, tell him your fears. Get this stuff out in the open so you can resolve it, and move on to the marriage plans.
2007-05-11 09:45:16 · answer #1 · answered by -J 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this same thing happened to me. my fiance asked me to marry him a few years ago. i started looking for wedding dresses, and trying to get him to plan the wedding with me. Everytime i would bring up the subject of the date, and try to plan more the future, he would blow things off or start and argument with me. we went ahead and bought a house together, while we were engaged, even though we could never decide on the wedding date, what kind of wedding, etc. well, a few months after we moved in, i found out that he had been having an affair almost the whole time we were engaged. I was so stupid because all i wanted to do was get married, and overlooked all the obvious signs that he was not ready. so just be wise, and be careful, and make sure that is what he really wants and is not just trying to string you along in the process.
2007-05-11 17:44:31 · answer #2 · answered by eliza l 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know this is hard but you should separate for a while and tell him you need time because you feel like you have pushed him into the engagement. Leave it alone and if he breaks your door down you will have no regrets. If you have let him off the hook you will not be in the category of divorce or have him resent you because he's not open enough to be honest with his present feelings.
Don't get married just for the sake of it. A bad marriage is a nightmare and if children are involved it will be one of the hardest situations you will ever go through. If he resents you for getting married when things get a little difficult I can guarantee he will through it back in your face. Posting this question makes it very clear that you know what you are doing.
2007-05-11 16:46:54 · answer #3 · answered by funsunjoy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you might be right... From the sound of it, it doesn't seem like he wants to "get married" - it sounds like he might just want to get someone (you, or his mother, or whomever) off his back for now, and then figure out what he really wants to do. A year and a half to plan a wedding IS plenty of time, you are not rushing it or being unreasonable. At some point, you need to ask yourself how long are you *willing* to wait. A year? Two years? Five? There's nothing wrong with cutting your losses and moving on if you want a family and he doesn't.
2007-05-11 16:56:36 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you so worried about making him uncomfortable? He asked you to marry him. He must of realized that meant setting a date. If he simply promised to marry you someday you might want to reevaluate what you want. If getting married is a goal and he isn't sure if he wants to you have a problem. Do not I repeat DO NOT marry someone who is not ready!!!! Sit him down and talk. If he "blows" you off then you have your answer. Setting a date and planing are part of getting married if he is having a hard time with that then he is not ready to get married.
2007-05-11 16:50:00 · answer #5 · answered by osoblonde 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are not engaged until you have a ring and date. Otherwise, it's pretend.
And before you get to that, you do need to talk about kids, parenting styles, careers, dreams, money, where you want to settle down (location), relationships with in-laws after you marry, what marriage means to you in terms of how you spend time, etc.
It could be he wants to lock you down without real commitment. He might sense you are getting impatient (5 years is plenty of time).
You need to have the heart to heart about this. If you can't get him to tell you what is going on, move on. BTW, some men are clueless about the time it takes to plan a wedding.
2007-05-11 16:46:37 · answer #6 · answered by Wolfithius 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think, like you said, he's just ultra sensitive about this stuff and would rather have you handle most of it. Give him time, heck, it took him this long just to pop the Q. 1 year and a half away still gives you plenty of time to NOT bring up the plans for a while. When it starts getting closer to the date than you have all the excuses and ways to bring it up as possible. Give him a break he made a great leap!!! Congratulations!!
2007-05-11 16:44:19 · answer #7 · answered by Virgo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Neither one of you are mature enough to be planning a marriage. He is hedging and you don't care about anything, you just want to get married. Well it isn't that easy. You seem so excited about making the fairy tale happen, you forgot to ask all the questions you'll need answers to before you even consider him as a life partner. Can he commit, does he want children and how many, what are his career plans and yours, what are his thoughts on your roles and goals in marriage. So many questions and you haven't touched on one of them.
2007-05-11 16:48:14 · answer #8 · answered by dawnb 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
5 Years you should be married by now.He dose not want to be married you do, Sounds like a loss cause to me. Tell him you want to be married with in the year or find someone else. Can't you see he is using you. Wake up.
2007-05-11 16:47:16 · answer #9 · answered by larry B 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'd say, as painful as this is, to trust your instincts. He doesn't sound like he's ready at all, and if you go ahead and get married, he will turn bitter against you because he'll feel like you dragged him into it (even if you didn't). Please don't talk about children when you don't have this situation straightened out.
I'd definitely suggest couples counseling before you get married. Remember, you want to marry someone who wants to marry you as much as you want to marry them. You can't change anyone's mind, as much as you think you can.
Personally, I'd dump him. You deserve better!
Peace.
2007-05-11 16:49:02 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋