I can't get over my mother's suicide and blame everyone but her. Why do I feel this way?

Question

I am a soldier in Iraq and recently received a red cross messafe that my mother had committed suicide. I went home and took care of all the details, being the next of kin, I didn't have much of a choice. I viewed her decomposed body, the pictures from the detectives of her hanging. All the while not shedding a tear, I was there but some how so detached from everything that was going on. My mother had suffered from mental illness, due to abuse in her childhood, and had attempted suicide before. Somehow though it was still a shock that she actually did it, she always reached out for help. Well I had to come back to finish my tour in Iraq, and that is when all emotions finally hit. I cried for days, have horrible nightmares(I had these at home too), sad as could be. I tried to go home but the doc here says I am fit for duty. So I suck it up and soldier on. Now I am so angry at everyone myself, my aunt's, my father, my husband. But not her, was when I first found out, it's not her fault!

Answer 1

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your mother made a choice that you had hoped she would never take. She also did not reach out to you, as perhaps she had done before. Coming home to see the things that you did, in the way that you did, must have seemed unreal. It's not surprising that you didn't shed any tears then, but you can now.

Because of this choice, it's hard to express your anger and frustration to her, whether you believe her decision was influenced by her illness or not. She chose to leave and she did not tell you goodbye.

Only the living respond to the tears and screams and anger, the dead will not. So, because you are with the living, you and your other family members (and perhaps members of your unit) are the only legitimate targets you can find for your anger.

Because you are having to 'suck it up' after the doctor's decision that you are fit for duty, I don't think you are getting to process your feelings or what you want to do or feel next very much. You are a soldier in a combat zone, and you have immediate and pressing demands on your person, both physically and emotionally. Does that mean all of what you feel goes away? Certainly not. It means that it is right there inside you along with the pain and stress and danger of every day life where you are.

I wish I could tell you that your grief will process in specific stages, and that soon your nightmares will go away. The truth is that you will come to that decision or realization on your own, in your own time.

If you keep having nightmares, and they are keeping you from sleeping, I encourage you to speak with your medical unit. I also encourage you to speak with a chaplain.

We never know how much of a sacrifice so many of you make in Iraq...and we have no way to replace the mother that you have lost in your time there. Reach out to us, your countrymen, so that we can help you find peace in this time of grief and sorrow.

God's grace be upon you.

Answer 2

I identify with your need to not blame your mother. However, as I have learned over the past 23 years, it was, indeed, her choice. I was 17 and a junior in high school when my mother committed suicide on Mother's Day. The thing about mental illness is that it is a very personal experience, not something that is about anyone but the person who is going through it. I blamed myself and anyone else in the vicinity for years. But ultimately it was her choice to leave me and my brother alone in the world with only an alcoholic father for support. The anger left me after many years but it took time. I finally got to the point where I realized that it wasn't about me but about her and her illness. Will it ever make sense? Probably not. But I owed it to myself and to her to go on and not let this tragedy define me. I am sometimes flip when people complain about things that are so trivial. I mean, when your mother committs suicide on Mother's Day - how much worse can it get, really? I pray that you will find solace and strength. Some days are better than others but sometimes it is like it happened yesterday. Even if others were less than kind to your mother - they didn't make her choose the path that she did. It is so difficult to blame her and yet love and miss her at the same time. I will pray for you as well as you fight for our country as you fight your own demons as well. You say you have a husband but there is no mention of children. If you do have children, you owe it to them to be the best mother possible. It is not fair to children of any age to lose a mother as you and I both have. God speed dear friend, please find peace in this world of confusion.

Jodie

Answer 3

The answer is L.O.V.E. Actually if you do not mind if I say this. I know you are sad. but look at the bigger picture. She has suffered a mental illness and being abuse. If she did this, what my thinking is that she is wanting to rest in peace. If I hurt in any point, My apologise. But I think that you should get over it and tell yourself that your mother is gone and she had rest in peace, no longer suffering it anymore. It wasnt anyone fault. Not yours and not your family. I believe that they feel very sad for her too. I think it is also what your mother wants,

You think I do not understand you right. If you think so, you are wrong. Actually, when I was 13, my aunt died. my aunt who read me and my siblings and cousin, happy go lucky had died from ovaries cancer. I felt the same way as you did. I blame on doctors for not taking care of her. But what is the use of it. She had gone forever. what is important is no matter where she go, she will be around near you, especially in your heart.

Answer 4

I am sorry. I know that you don't want to hear that. I am going to tell you something that I hope will help. Having a mental illness is very hard. It is like having a monkey on your back and you pray every day that it will change, you wake up and fight, and after one fights for so long some will give up because It is so.....hard to deal with. Some people think that one is better off with out them because they don't want to be a burden. I have had so many people to tell me that Suicide means this or that. But the real truth is people in the Bible killed them selfs. You being mad and taking it out on others is normal. There is a saying that you take it out on the people you love. I what to give you a website to go to www.healthyplace.com there are alot of websites for mental health. I hope you find your answers.
The American Association of Suicidology reported that in 1996 suicide was the 9th ranking cause of Adult death in the United States.

Answer 5

There is no book written on how you should be feeling. Everyone feels things differently. You feel that someone should have been able to help your mother with her depression. I don't think you're really angry with everyone else, but yourself. I think, you think that if you were there, you could have done something. You couldn't. Even if you were there, she was too much inside herself. I agree with you that it might not have been her fault. She was ill. And evidently she couldn't deal with it anymore. Unfortunately, when around a depressed/ill person it isn't so easy to determine when they have decided to end it all.

Good luck to you! Thank you for being a FEARLESS soldier. Life sure isn't fair. I hope that you will one day accept what happened and that there really isn't anyone to blame. I feel that you have a lot on your plate and it might do you good to talk to someone that is impartial.

Answer 6

Sweetheart I am so so very sorry for your loss.

Words can never truly comfort another. But I will try.

Your mom obviously was in much mental pain and torment. She evidently had a very fragile emotional level. While she was ill from her mental disorder sometimes there is just nothing anyone can do to prevent someone else from committing suicide. No matter how hard you try.

I'm certain you feel at a total loss and perhaps feel if you had been there she might be alive today. But you can not be certain of that. True suicides will just keep trying until they get it "right."

My heart goes out to you. Please try to forgive your family for failing to protect your mom from herself. They are not at fault. Forgive yourself.... your are not at fault.... and finally forgive your mom. She needs that. And you Need that forgiveness in your heart.

Answer 7

I'm sorry about your mother. Truth be told, the suicide IS her fault. It was a choice she made. It's really a very selfish decision. They don't think about their families and what it will do to them. As far as her childhood, many have had just as bad or worse of a childhood than her and made better decisions. My recommendation is when you get back to contact your local Hospice. They offer bereavement counseling, and it's usually free. Have your husband go with you, because this affects both of you, and if you continue to blame him, you'll be divorced. God be with you.

Answer 8

Babe, first let me say I am so sorry for your moms death and all you had to go through.
You are angry with everyone and yourself because you believe someone somehow could have done something to have protected her from herself.
Do not do this to your family or you.
She had a choice and she took it, maybe she is in a much better place.
Seek help from specialist if this still eats you up inside.
He will advice you on how to deal with this type of frustration.
Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 9

I think you need time and could use a little counseling. I fear asking strangers on Yahoo Answers for any counsel will not bring the help you're looking for. (In fact, in some cases, people are thoughtless and insensitive, and may write something that could hurt you.) It's a sad thing that you don't have time to grieve; although, "soldiering on," as you put it, may help. Try to find shoulders to cry on and professional counsel, perhaps from a priest or minister.

Answer 10

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY...MAYBE YOU FEEL YOUR MOTHER COULD OF DONE SOMETHING ELSE..MAYBE YOU FEEL DEEP HURT BY HER COMMITTING THE SUICIDE..MAYBE BEING IN THE LINE OF DUTY HAS MADE YOU THINK MORE ABOUT THE DEATH OF HER..YOU NEED COUNSELING..AND SOMEDAY YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOUR MOTHER FOR LEAVING YOU..AND THAT IS WHEN THE HEALING WILL START..IM NOT A SHRIENK BUT WENT THROUGH THIS ..I BLAMED MYSELF FOR ALOT OF THINGS WITH MY PARENTS..I BLAMED EVERYONE ELSE..BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS..IT WASNT MY FAULT THINGS GO THE WAY THEY WERE..IT WASNT MY FAULT IS SOMEONE DIED OR RAN OFF...FORGIVE YOURSELF FIRST AND KNOW YOU DIDNT CAUSE HER TO DO THIS TERRIBLE THING...AND GET SOME COUNSELING..IT MAY TAKE YOU YEARS TO GET THROUGH THIS..GOD BLESS AND TY FOR DEFENDING OUR COUNTRY AND PROTECTING US ALL...