Is anyone out there truly happy in their marriage?

Question

I have been married 12 years and now I feel like we are just friends. I talk to people more and more that seem to be in the same situation. I wonder if it is even possible to be happily married in a relationship that leaves you completely fulfilled. If you are - what keeps it that way? How do you keep it alive?

Also - does it make a difference if you have kids? Harder? It seems that way for us.

It's not the sex - we have it at least 3 times a week.

It's just the emotional connection. We never have time alone.

Thanks for your answers - I am going to keep it open a while because I am getting some good ideas and feedback and it's really causing me to think about what I can do to make things better.

I appreciate your experience and wisdom - I am encouraged to know there actually are people out there who are married (for a long time) who are happy.

Answer 1

First question: what are you currently doing to add passion to your marriage? are you behaving like you did when you guys were courting one another. I mean every psycholigist will tell you new feelings fallow new behavior. Your taking each other for granted right now and that just sucks. I mean come on what do you want? what would you have to do to make it like you want it? Notice I said you. You must consistently put forward your best qualities if you want the passion back in the relationship, you must look at them and truly be grateful for why you fell in love with them. And that means asking yourself some better questions. A good question might be in order for this person to be completly passionate about me what would I have to do? I like when my spouse smiles, what can I do to make them smile? And be consistant even if it's uncomfortable. You can change your relationship but, it takes great strength and determination. There is no great reward without risk.

Answer 2

We are married for 28 years, quite happily too. He adopted my kids when they were 6 and 11 and we went through all the usual stresses and strains especially when you consider the fact that hes a truck driver and spends at least three nights a week on the road.
He is my best friend, I don't even know how you can even think of 'just friends'. True friendship, the kind that sticks when things get tough and stands up for you when it need to or listens if that's what you need, is rare, its never 'just'.
I think you are looking for some romantic, Hollywood movie love, real long term love is different, it isn't Hollywood, its steadier, less frothy, more solid. We aren't ever told that that's love so we misinterpret it for something other than the mature love that it is.
It might just be that you might want to take some time to appreciate what you have, a night off of parenting, some time to be a man and a woman, so you can find yourself and your love for each other under the diapers.
I know you can look for something for a long time without realizing you already have it.

Answer 3

It sounds like your marriage's sex life is the problem. Being friends is a great thing. Here is a different yet practical way to spice up your sex lives:

Observe the ancient family purity laws. These "backwards" laws actually keep a marriage life vibrant and alive. A quick summary of these laws is that for part of the month you can touch and be with your wife whenever you guys want. Other parts of the month, you can't touch her at all, not even hand her things. From the time your wife gets her period until 5 days after she stops her period, this is the period of no touching. On the night of the 5th day after her period stops, take a bath and schedule a date and go out and have fun. This is a wise ancient ritual observed by many cultures known as the family purity laws. My wife and I observe them and it keeps our sex lives interesting. It forces us to communicate verbally during the no touch time and to appreciate being able to touch eachother during the parts of the month when we can. Just holding hands becomes special again.

Sounds crazy but it works. Don't knock it till you try it.

Answer 4

I'm VERY happy, married almost nine years. There were times that I felt very much like you do, like we didn't have a connection. But life's stresses can get in the way and make you unable to devote all your energy to the relationship.

I believe 100% if each partner works to please the other, that it will work. Its all about compromise.

Kids doesn't necessarily make it harder. Sure you'll have less alone time, but aren't there things your spouse does as a parent that makes you smile and think, "this is the perfect mate for me...."????

Friends is good...if you're truly friends then you can talk about what you want and need in life. I think that's a great place to start.

Answer 5

Being friends is what makes a marriage work. If you aren't friends, it probably won't last. Yes, having kids makes it harder, but it's worth it. The more you go through together, is what makes your marriage work. You're not going to have passion everyday, that's what you have when you're first dating. But if you're friends, and truly 'like' each other it sure makes sitting accross the table from each other a lot nicer. Someone who's always there, who you can talk to and share your life with is someone very special indeed! We've been married 20+ years and wouldn't want to be without each other.

Answer 6

yes we are truly happily married .. we have 2 kids a 5 year old daughter and a 20 month old son yes it makes it hard at times with them here but it makes a good mix ... we have been married 3 years but together for 6 years ... hes the love of my life i can t see a day without him .. if you ever hear the song amazed by lonestar thats us to a t ... we keep our marriage spiced up we do any thing and i mean anything to keep the passion there .. love him and the more he will love u .. and word of advice spice up your sex with him more and more its like having chocolate melt in your hand

Answer 7

I am very much in love and most of the time happy. I think no marriage is completely happy there is always something in my case my husband is in the navy so i don't get to spend a lot of time with him for some reason or another we are always apart so that doesn't make me happy. So don't worry i think if we sit here and say that we are always happy within our marriage we would be lien.

Answer 8

We are still very happy. What we do, even with kids, is just take time to ourselves. We go on dates, we go sit at the lake, and just talk and visit. Marriage takes work as you well know, the trick is not to make it that hard. We are luck that both of our sets of parents are more that happy to take the kids once or twice a month overnight so my wife and I can just do whatever. Kids do make it hard, just because free time is hard to come by, but it can happen.

Answer 9

We're still newlyweds, but I had a long term relationship before this one.

We have a set of triplets, and I have a teen age daughter.

We keep it alive easily.

He's my husband, my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my side kick, and my partner in pranks. Outside of the kids, I bumped the rest of the world down a couple of notches.

We've had great times so far.

Being loved is the best.

Answer 10

Well, luckily for me the first thing I discovered about the man I went on to marry is that he felt the s ame way I did, that he didn't have a parental bone in his body. We got married, travelled the world, had a blast, and 36 years later, if we could do it all over, we wouldn't change a thing. The number #1 bone of contention in the overwhelming majority of marriages has to do with money..... or more precisely, lack of it. Having children certainly sucks it out of your bank account, and that means in turn that the couple have to make huge sacrifices and deny themselves all, or most of the things they would otherwise have been able to afford.
Then, after so many years, you start seeing your almost grown kids getting out there with their whole lives in front of them and the whole world before them, and you are left feeling "over the hill". This is something that husband and I didn't have to deal with. We've always had money in our pockets, peace in our home, and tranquility in our lives. Used to be a time when people didn't dare to even mention that they were happily childfree in their marriage. These days more couples than it's generally realised, envy the freedom of those who chose not to reproduce. I don't know if there are any statistics showing whether or not childfree couples tend to be proportionally more likely to have long happy marriages, and less likely to divorce, than those with children. It would be interesting to learn what the figures for that are. I can only speak for myself, and I can say, thirty six years later, it's been a blast. We've had a great partnership. I've had a chance over that time to talk to many people, still married, or married and divorced, who did have children, and I have got the distinct feeling that a great many couples marry, with one of them knowing that he or she really didn't care that much about having children, but they just did because the partner wanted them. I believe that unless both people feel equally strong about wanting children, sooner or later a lot of anger and resentment begins to brew up inside, and the marriage eventually gets strained to the breaking point. Because of this, I think it is one of the most vitally important things for two people to sit down and talk about very seriously before they get into marriage in the first place - not to mention finding out just how many other points of compatibility the two have between them. Way too many marriages start out as being almost entirely sex orientated. That early flush of hormonal passion is not going to last, and when it does eventually begin to lose its momentum, (especially after the arrival of children) only then do they realise for the first time that they have all too little else in common to sustain their interest in one another, the other 23 hours and 40 minutes of each day LOL.
Husband and I had that long talk when we first began thinking that we might want to make this permanent. We discovered that not only were we on the same page on the matter of not wanting children, but that we were, too, when it came to a whole handful of other very important issues that eventually become vital to a successful marriage.
There isn't a doubt in my mind that it was because of all the things that we did have in common.... the way we felt about certain important life issues that married couples have to deal with over the years ....that our marriage has been successful, and longlasting.