Advice on a personal issue, it's serious & I'm embarassed to ask, so I want only genuine, serious answers

Question

I need help with my, uh, sexual desire. In the last 3-4 years, my sex drive has declined, now it is to the point that I really have no interest at all. I have a child, but she's almost 6, and I didn't really have a decline until 3-4 years ago, like I stated. I've been married 7 years, my husband and I are very busy, but he's never disinterested, it's me "changing the subject." I know stress contributes, and I am definately that. And time. And kids. And relationship issues, though he and I have a pretty great relationship-sex aside. I just don't know how to get in the"mood". I am afraid it will hurt my marriage. He's very patient and understanding and I am blessed, but it's not fair to him, and how long will he be so understanding. I'm really worried about this. I don't want to have sex, just to have sex. I want to WANT to have it. I use to really enjoy it. I don't know what is wrong with me! Please advise. And don't ridicule or give me crude advice. It's important.

Answer 1

Have you spoken to a doctor? They might be able to prescribe something. That is a pretty serious issue in a marriage. Good luck.

Answer 2

First off I am male and was married for 27 years before my divorce a few years ago. I was in a similar situation with my wife for many years not being particularly interested in sex. It is good that you realize the problem. Sex while not all important, is the glue that keeps people together when times are hard, and the spice that makes life interesting and joyful when times are good. Your problem could have many contributing factors. One could bethe physical. Hormone levels can change and decline after pregnancy. This can cause lack of interest in the physical aspects of marriage. It could be that there are mental aspects. You may have unresolved issues with your husband that are causing you not to want the closeness you once had. Subconciously you may be equating sex with childbirth and not wanting to go through that again so you shy away from the physical contact. Whatever the reason, I would suggest first seing your doctor and having tests for chemical and hormonal balance done. Then possibly counselling from a licensed psychiatrist or sex counsellor if there is no obvious physical reason.
Finally. Please don't let this go on too long. As I said in the beginning I was married for 27 years and raised three sons. Most of that time I was unhappy and felt deprived. I craved the physical closeness that I did not have. After long enough without what they need any person will almost inevitably look for it elsewhere. It is unfair to withold the attention, and expect the other person, no matter how they love you not to find it elsewhere. Don't let this happen to your marriage like it did to mine. Get Help.

Answer 3

There are so many possible causes it's impossible to get good help here. Your best option is really to talk to your doctor. She can check for the more common physical causes.

If you have a mental health doctor you see, talk to them as well to rule out mental causes such as stress (a huge contributer to a reduced sex drive).

Check the side effects of any medication you are taking.

If you want to avoid the medical community, you can try a little self help. I encourage you to try looking at some pornography, just to see if it excites you at all. I don't suggest using it regularly to 'get you in the mood' as if there are other problems, it will probably stop working after a while.

Try a long vacation (I mean 2+ weeks, a month or longer would be better). If you feel comfortable and can shuck your kid off to a relative even better. The key to this is to just relax. Focus on relaxing and enjoying whatever you're doing. Don't focus on 'getting horny'. This is to try to eliminate the stress possibility.

You could also try Viagra. Some studies suggest it can increase sex drive in women with physical issues (as opposed to mental ones), though there is no official data recommending this and finding the real cause is much better than randomly treating symptoms.

Answer 4

Honestly I think you answered your own question. Stress, schedule, children, house...etc. Typically, women do not handle stress the same way guys do, then tend to internalize the stress, where most guys, will release the stress through a variety of ways. You need to make time for just you and your husband to spend together, start dating again. Only let him take a phone, don't take yours, get a very dependable sitter to watch the kids and go out just like you use to do. Get to know each other again and don't make it about sex. As the stress and tension of every day life start to fade, the desire will come back. Go out and do fun stuff that both of you enjoy, go ride a roller coaster, hit the water park, play hide and seek in the department store. Interview people for a class project that you do not have to turn in. Just get away from the house and the jobs and the stress, it will work wonders. A good rule of thumb is to only allow talking about kids, work, bills and stuff like that 3/4 of the way to where your date is, after that point of the trip, no more, talk about each other, talk about the fun things you use to do, things that made the two of you laugh and love... NOTHING is wrong with you, life has just taken over and you need to get it back under control.

Answer 5

Definitely a legitimate question.....this has happened to me but I was not married.

Stress can definitely do it, but maybe you are just losing attraction in your husband. I can tell you that for a long time I couldn't find a guy that I had that spark with. Recently, I met a great guy and we click on so many levels that it is scary. For once, I want to be with him. We are so attracted that it is awesome.

Maybe your husband isn't taking the time to get you interested or maybe you just need to spice things up and make some changes to your sex life.

Everyday things like stress, work, and kids can be a huge factor though. Try going away for a weekend with just your husband. Give yourself some "us time" and try to rekindle your feelings and attraction towards him. If that doesn't work, you may want to try sex couseling with him. Maybe it is a simple thing that you are both missing that is causing your disinterest.

Also, medications for depression can be a factor. My current boyfriend has issues climaxing due to medication so that can be an issue.

Hope all goes well!

Answer 6

Is he the one that usually starts it off? If not, it shouldn't be a problem to him. I'm the same way as you, I became disinterested as well recently, it just feels like too much hassle and "been there done that". Your not by any chance depressed? There's not much you can do for stress, but for depression a trip to the local doc might be in order... You've been married for a while so if you tell him your situation like you've said here, he should deal with it if he's interested in your feelings. It may not be fair to him but it isn't fair to you neither. Only you can find out the answer why you feel like this. More than likely it will pass in time. Nothing lasts forever.

Answer 7

I know exactly what you are talking about. I have the same problem. I dont know what happened, one week I was basically a nympho and the next I didnt want it at all. The only thing I know that I am doing different is the type of birth control I'm on. Did you change yours? It could be that, no wonder they say the shot works, kills your drive. Talk to your doctor, they could rule out any medical issues that is might be. Then try to work on other areas of your life. Heres a question...How do you feel about yourself? As compared to before you started having this problem? I dont know if you could be mentally shutting down this part of you or not, it was just a thought. Good luck and if you get a good answer please let me know, so I can fix myself as well.

Answer 8

First of all, it's very strange that you husband is putting up with this so patiently. You may need to look deeper into your situation. Just make sure he isn't getting it someplace else. Men have a strong desire for such things, while women lose that desire after having kids, marrige, jobs, and stress in their life.

I would suggest seeing a specialist, they have medications without side effects that may help your drive. You never know, maybe your problem is not just mental, maybe it's something not within your reach.

Your husband will only be patient so long, so you may need to act on this soon...

Answer 9

First thing is to get yourself medically checked to see if you have any medical conditions such as a adenoma surrounding your pituitary gland, diabetes, or something else like depression. Did this begin after you gave birth? Did you suffer any trauma? If these all check out well then I would ask you how often you think of your mate in a sexual way? You may find this funny but you may want to put reminder notes in places that you frequent like your purse, your desk and any other place you can think of without getting yourself embarrassed. Remind yourself of those great past sexual encounters you had with your husband and let your body prepare itself for your next encounter. I know that having children in the equation makes it more difficult but don't let that stop you from making the attempt. Prepare yourself for a couple of days and have a hotel room at the ready and invite your husband to meet you while your child is with a babysitter. Is your husband trying to create a romantic setting for you? Maybe he is causing the problem you currently have and are afraid to communicate with him. My suggestion is to take out all the possibilities one at time to get to the bottom of your situation. Good Luck!

Answer 10

That could be hard because there are so many possibilities for a woman to have problems in this area. A guy can usually get turned on just by the physical, a woman's needs are more complex. To start with you have to be really honest with your self. I've found the problem usually lies with one of the following;

Is there something about him that's turning you off?
Is he too much of a good boy, too much of a bad boy, too out of shape? Let him know. He's not psychic, and being a guy he'll probably need more than a hint.

Is there something about YOU that's turning you off?
Are you insecure about your looks? Are you afraid you won't satisfy him? Get to work on yourself. Exercise, diet,whatever you need. Don't be so hard on yourself, have more self confidence. (By the way, exercising together almost always works for getting arousal up)

Is there something about the relationship that's turning you off? Are there unresolved issues You're sweeping under the carpet? Find a constructive way to air it out.

Is there something external that's turning you off? Too much worry or stress? Get away for a couple of days on a cruse or something.

Hope this helps,
Good luck!

Answer 11

3-4 years is quite a long time. I know this might be embarassing but the best thing to do is to go to your doctors because there could be something wrong.

You would'nt have to worry if it was a few months maybe but years. The doctors actually know how to solve this if you talk to them they can find out whats making your sex drive really low. It could be stress which is the main cause or many other thins. Go to your doctor and get it checked out or you will never enjoy sex again.