husband refuses to go to counseling after having an affair ?

Question

my husband had an affair about two years ago. i found out that it had been going on for about 9 months. at first he lied about it (even though i figured something happened) for a long time, then he finally admitted that he did have sex with the woman. we have been trying to work it out, but he refuses to go to couples counseling. he tries to make it up to me in other ways, such as we started going to church, he calls me and lets me know where he is, etc. but he will not go to counseling despite our numerous arguments about the subject. his thinking is that i can just get over it by myself, and that he does not want to keep reliving the issue. i have threatened divorce, had verbal fights, etc. and he doesnt seem to change his mind about counseling. he thinks that i am the one that needs couseling since i am having a hard time dealing with the pain. he says that he has done everything to try to make me feel better and has asked for my forgiveness, but he will not go to counseling. HELP!

Answer 1

DIVORCE....he made the problem, but refuses to take responsibility for it.
You deserve better!

Answer 2

Sorry for the terminology but what a douche. I divorced my now ex-husband almost a year ago because he had cheated on me again and he tried to reconcile and work things out and I almost conceded and agreed but that was only under the condition that he would go to counseling with me. He absolutely refused to do so on account that he felt that he didn't need some shrink judging him on what he has done and also because he did not feel that he needed any outside help (he cheated on me several times so go figure on his reasoning...). Well long story short, I refused to take him back despite his willingness to go a few months later when he realized that I was really serious about the divorce. I said to him that it was too late and even so he only reasoned that he would've went to counseling was to keep me in his life but not because he felt he had any problems. I thank my lucky stars that this idiot acted the way he did because he has been living with some other chick for quite a while now and has tried to cheat on her with me (but he doesn't have a problem...lol).

I think that your husband's unwillingness to go to counseling with you is a big sign there because for one, he's not owning up to his mistakes and two, if you are being bothered by his actions and there is something wrong with your marriage on account of HIS past actions, he should be more then willing to go and try to heal things so that you guys can try to move on from this whole ordeal. The fact is though is that he is trying to tell you that because he said he's sorry that everything should be over and done with but that can't be the case when someone does something like this and totally destroys the trust, which is the glue that holds a relationship together. Furthermore, he should want to seek counseling for himself to really put action behind the words here and really prove to you that he is sorry and that it is something that he will not do to you again.

However, if he is not willing to make your marriage right, then I personally feel that he would be capable of doing it again and that he doesn't appear to be fully committed on any level to this marriage and I'm sorry but you deserve a hell of a lot more than that.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum and really fall through with leaving if he does not go to counseling to help save your marriage. I would also in the meantime, recommend that you go for yourself and get some professional advice as to what you should do.

Good luck and take care :)

Answer 3

I'm saying you should divorce since you obviously want to make things better and are willing to forgive him. However, the reason he doesn't want to go to counseling is the simple fact that he knows what he did was wrong and he doesn't want someone to keep telling him that. He wants to keep his infidelity to himself b/c talking about it is reaffirming that he did a pretty crappy thing and men don't like to keep being reminded. The thing is, if you need counseling maybe start to go by yourself and see if there are things you can do on your own to start getting back on your feet. Don't threaten divorce anymore unless you really think that you would go through with it b/c that will just give him more strength and power. You need to stay in control. He is doing only what he comfortable doing to make you feel better, but is unwilling to give you something that may take him out of his little bubble. Help yourself first and once you have your full strength back say this is what needs to be done. In order to fully forgive you I need this counseling with you and if he still refuses then you will hopefully have the strength to actually leave (even just to prove that you deserve more) and seperate or divorce. Until you are ready to pull that trigger you need to work on yourself because you can't make your husband do anything if he thinks he still has some power over you. I am so sorry you are going through this. GL

Answer 4

Open your eyes dear, it would be different if he was blowing the entire situation off - but he isn't, he is trying to work it out- just not the way you want. The good thing is that he confessed and his trying to rebuild the best way -HE sees fit.

When a man cheats and then has to confess, that kills the ego quite a bit. Sometimes going to a counselor adds to the feeling of failure. He is not at that point yet, work with him and be open to his method - after a while he will go to counseling.

Don't force the issue, that will make it worse. Be patient, he will come around, he is just ashamed right now.

You have a good husband and I think you agree - just wait. Hang in there girl, I feel you two will overcome this.

Answer 5

Don't be surprise why he doesn't want to go with you, if he did he will end up telling why he commit adultery and he will open up the can of worm that he wants to keep. I'm not saying that he probably still cheating on you, but some sign are there. At least yours happened a few years ago, mine only 5 months ago and he was emotionally involve with this married woman who's husband is away because of the navy.
I discovered the affairs without him knowing that I suspected,and like your husband, mine told me that it is I that need to have a healing process not him. And because theres no trust anymore ,just like yours he calls and tell me where he is or was.
Most men will not seek for help,because its a man thing that they follow, but why don't you tell him that it is not you that needs to heal. You mentioned that you ask him for divorce, use this against him and tell him that he if he really telling the truth about no more affair,prove to you or else the divorce that you want will proceed if he doesn't go with you to see a counseling. See if this work and at the same time stand up with your gun, remember the old saying say's "you fool me once, shame on you, you fool me twice,shame on me"

Answer 6

Go to private counseling. Not because you're a "nut job" but because you have some feelings and issues you need to work out.

This affair happened two years ago but you didn't find out till later? Has your husband been honest about the situation finally? Have you been able to discuss the issue? Is he taking other steps to ensure you will be able to trust him again?

If the answer to those questions is yes then I say don't push the issue. Men don't respond to counseling anyway, typically speaking.

Answer 7

A nine-month relationship wasn't a 'Vegas weekend' that you could forgive.

If he hasn't admitted (even to himself) that he is part of the problem, you won't get far.

Arguments, threats of divorce, etc. don't do much if you don't follow through. Make an appointment with BOTH an attorney AND a marriage counselor. Tell him you are committed to doing either -- and let him decide which office to meet you in.

Asking for forgiveness is a good first step, but blaming you for being 'too sensitive' means that HIS infidelity is YOUR fault???

Don't threaten what you won't carry through on. My counselor suggested that we EACH see a therapist privately -- him to understand why he strayed, and you to understand how you feel about it. If you're attending a church, the clergy can provide some counseling -- and help you find therapists if your insurance coverage isn't adequate.

Answer 8

It sounds like hes doing what he thinks is right but he also has to realize that the only way to make it right is by letting you control most of how the situation is handled. If you say couples counseling, then couples counseling it is. He may be afraid that once you go to counseling it will only get worse because your counselor may want to go into detail about what happened and your husband may want to spare you and him the grief of the details. All in all it boils down to he cheated and he was wrong. He afraid of what else may come of rehashing it. I suggest that you go ahead and get counseling for yourself. Talk to your counselor, see if they suggest couples counseling for you and if your husband does not get on the boat at that time then, sometimes you have to put your words into action. A separation may be the only thing that opens his eyes as to what is really going to happen if he doesn't fix this.

Answer 9

It sounds like youre doing exactly what he wan't you to do. First of all he had the affair he should be obligated to go to counseling espcially if it's the least he can do after breaking your heart. Secondly youre already starting to blame yourself for his mistakes, you need to not do that and start to consider divorce. It sounds like mr. man there still is in the same shoes he was before and doesn't intend on chaning his ways. Sure he want's Jesus in his life everybody does, and that's a good way to make people belive what their not. I would suggest a separation until he agrees to the counseling. At least if he doesnt you can start to get the feel of being on your own. GOOD LUCK

Answer 10

It can't be slved without both of you going to counceling, there was a reason he cheated and it will happen again if you don't resolve why he did it. Chances are good that something was wrong between you two...weather you're aware of it or not that drove him to be with her.
I personally wouldn't stay, to carry on for 9 months with a person meant they had more then just a sexual affair. i couldn't live with the random women my ex used to pick up but I would have been a lot more devastated to find out he was with the same person for a extended period of time because there is a good chance he fell in love with her.

Answer 11

Leave him. That's probably not the answer you were looking for, but, here is my reasoning. He is the one who cheated on you, correct? That alone shows that he does not respect you. However, the fact that he is not even willing to go to counseling to help YOU, the victim, get over this, shows that he is not sorry either. You cannot be the victim forever. Help yourself in this situation becuase you are obviously not getting help from your spouse. Another reason to get out of this is....How often does it come up in arguments? Are you ever going to be able to trust him again? Is he going to do it again? How many more fights will this cause? Eventually, these questions will drive you insane. I'm almost positive that not one day goes by that you don't think about him with this other woman. Fortunately, I have not gone through this but I watched my mother suffer from it for 20 years with my father. I think it hurt my sister and I more just watching her go through it and not help herself. So if you have children, do it for them also. I hope I didn't offend you by my opinion, it's just that I hate seeing or hearing people suffer through this.