My husband and I have been together for 7 years; married for 2. Should he be allowing his fam to cut me out?

Question

Last year my in-laws, whom I thought I got along with, started issuing invitations (Bday parties, Christmas) to my husband that specifically excluded me & my children (we both have children from previous relationships)—and he not only accepted some of those invites, he lied to me about a couple of them. The most recent invite/snub came with the news that my husbands ex would be there—and that she had also been at a few of these other family gatherings I wasn’t welcome at. (She is one of those downs that we went through) I put my foot down and told my husband to choose: Take me with you or don’t go.
He chose not to go, but is extremely upset that I issued an ultimatum and doesn't think that I am being fair. This is causing MAJOR problems in our marriage and has been since it started. Was I wrong?
(when my family attempted to do this to him a few years back I ever so eloquently told them to go pound sand)

Answer 1

You might want to find out why your in-laws, whom you thought you got along with, started issuing invitations (Bday parties, Christmas) to your husband that specifically excluded you & your children

Answer 2

I would go with him anyway. If they can't respect the fact that he loves you and married you, then why would he want to encourage it? He married YOU, for God's sake. He may have an ex-wife, but he still married you. You are a part of the family, too, and you don't deserve to be excluded. Neither do your children. Explain to your husband what this is doing to you, not to mention your children. This is wrong and horrible behavior. I would have him sit down with his family and find out why they are doing this. All in all, I would still invite them to your family gatherings, parties, etc. It's not right to not invite them just because that's what they are doing to you. (I don't know that is happening, but I'm just making a suggestion about it.) Let your husband know, which I'm assuming you are or it wouldn't be causing so many problems with your marriage. Have him confront his family.

Answer 3

LOL good for you! I would show up at the parties with him anyway. The way I see it is when you are a married couple if one is invited so is the other. If something were said to me about attending I would respond (so eloquently) that WE would be happy to leave if that is their wish. Your hubby is in a hard spot but to lie to you is to undermine the very foundation your marriage is resting on Have you asked his family why this is happening? Maybe they think if you and the ex are there together it would cause a problem. This practice of theirs is extremely rude and outrageous and should be dealt with openly and honestly every ones part.

Answer 4

You are his wife! You should come before everyone else, especially his family. Any family/marriage counselor will tell you that. He is choosing his extended family over his family with you. This is a BIG problem. I suggest you go see a counselor right away before things get worse. This will help because right now he is not seeing it correctly, he needs to be told from an outside perspective that this is not appropriate... I think right now he is not seeing it from your point of view. His family is so disrespectful and he needs to take your side and stand up for you when they treat you like this. They need to either accept you as family or he needs to tell them to get lost and focus on your own family until they can grow up. Either way, this will be difficult because I'm sure you feel uncomfortable around them when you are at the family gatherings because you know deep down that they disapprove of you and don't want you there.

Answer 5

It sounds as if the two of you have sick families or more to the point mothers. It is hard for him he does not wish to cut him self off from them. If your mother in-law can not get along with you and your kids he should not take you but he should not go most of the time. He should only see them a or her a few times in a year out side the invitations. But again this is hard some men a close to their mothers as you wish your son will be other that closeness becomes harmful.

More to the point you are not wrong. The goal of his mother is to split you two. She may have done some of this to his ex as well but best friends with her not he has moved on.She can not stand to see him with another woman and be happy or any woman other than her self. I have been thew it to.

Answer 6

This is a terrible situation. Your husband is caught in the middle of his wife and his family. Try to remember that it isn't an easy thing for him either. I would suggest calling your mother-in-law and politely asking her what is going on. Why are they shutting you out?? If he has been with you for 7 yrs. then his family shouldn't still be stuck on the idea that he and his ex should still be together. But give that a try, be careful how you word things so as not to offend your mother in law but maybe ask if she felt you did something wrong and then continue to explain that its hurts when they don't invite you and your children b/c you are one family now. See what she has to say of her actions. Also try sitting down and discussing calmly with hubby. Try as much as possible to leave the anger out of it, by realizing that this cannot be easy for him either and explain to him how it hurts you that he doesn't at the very least discuss this issue with his family & you deserve an explenation to why they don't invite you. Also discuss with him that it leaves you feeling like an outsider especially that he doesn't say to his family, look she is married to me we are together and we will only come to family functions if we are all invited. He needs to stick up for you and your kids. And when he doesn't it hurts.

Answer 7

After being with this man for 7 years, and married for 2, you and your children are his family. It is very wrong for him to exclude you and your children. He should at least give you the option to join in on the family events or not. If he has a problem with this, you should consider marriage counseling to iron this out. By the way, you were not wrong by putting your foot down.

Answer 8

Why don't they want you at these family occasions? Perhaps you need to have your in-laws and husband tell you what they are thinking when they invite him but exclude you.

Your husband is caught in the middle. He loves his family and he loves you and doesn't want to hurt anyone. He did choose you, now get to the bottom of things so this doesn't happen again. Time for all to sit down and be honest. And be ready to hear what they have to say as you may not like it.

Answer 9

Your husband's family has every right to invite whom they please to their events, however, it is your husbands obligation to refuse these snubs and put an end to them asap.

As wives, we often have to deal with in laws that aren't too pleasing and willing to accept the wife, new wife, gf, etc.. but your husband has to stand his ground with his family, considering you are the new wife.

Why is the ex coming to the events any way? Why hasn't your husband put his foot down? If you continue to give your husband ultimatums, you'll produce more problems and probably give your ex's what they want, the two of you divorced.

Answer 10

I think you're perfectly justified to feel the way you do. Your husband married you and YOU are now his family and main priority (or at least should be). If his family cannot accept you, he should most definitely not accept their invitations. You should never be excluded from anything your husband is invited to when it comes to his family. YOU are part of the package now and if they can't accept that, THEY need to go and "pound sand." (By the way, I've never heard this term, but I like it!!)