My wife is detached from me after our baby was born...common?

Question

Our son is 10 months old and my wife says she feels very detached from me. I am a really good husband/dad. She has a busier schedule than I do, so I clean the house and take care of my son a lot. I also try to do nice things for her like buy her flowers and try to make her feel important, but she doesn't want to hold hands or be affectionate. She says after the pregnancy, she has lost most of her feelings for me. She is struggling with these emotions too and doesn't know why she feels them. We are both struggling with this and don't know what to do. Is this common, I hope???

Answer 1

Same thing happened to my brother in law, baby is about the same age as well.

I would suggest consuling if she won't agree then go by yourself, mention that maybe she could talk to her docter about how she has been feeling since having the baby-if she won't go talk to a consuler. Or perhaps someone at church (if she goes to church).

Try to figure this out sooner rather than later-you want to nip this in the butt and figure out what the deal is before it progresses.

Unfortunatly I will say things did not get better in my family members situation, but there were many other contributing factors as to why the marriage ended. So do not think that this is the end for you.

Keep being the great husband and dad that you are. Ask her out on a date, go to dinner, or make a romantic dinner at home for her. Maybe a spa treatment or haircut will make her feel less like a 'mommy' and more like a young beautiful woman and will bring back some of those feelings.

Best of luck to you, I really feel for you and your situation.

Answer 2

VERY common! OH so very common! Take heart! What you are going thru almost every couple that has a baby goes through. What makes a difference is what you do right now.

I can tell you, what your wife is experiencing is probably a combination of exhaustion, frustration and responsibility overload. She probably hasn't really lost her feelings for you, they are just buried somewhere under all the stuff she has to do.
When was the last time the two of you went out and just had fun? I mean fun, silly fun. Not for an anniversary or birthday or any reason. Just to have fun together. I'm willing to bet it's been awhile.
Take the upper hand of the situation. Plan a whole day for the two of you. YOU arrange for a baby sitter overnight. Take your wife out someplace fun. Go do go cart racing or to the track or to an arcade or something silly and fun. Catch a comedy movie. Then either stay at a hotel or, if you can find somone to take the baby overnight, go home and just SLEEP. No pressure for more than that. Just go home and lay in bed and talk.
Next day, have breakfast. Then drop your wife off at the day spa. Have her get her hair and nails done or a massage and facial or whatever she might like. Send her with a girlfriend if you can afford it. While she's out, pay somone to come and clean the house. Or, if you can't swing it, do it yourself, the way SHE likes it done. Give her a day off. When she comes home, let her decide what you do for the early evening. Then pick up the kid.

From this day forward, make a COMMITMENT to have plans with your wife each week to spend some time alone together, just re-connecting. Women NEED to talk to feel connected. If they don't have that mental stimulation and emotional connection, they can't get past that to the physical(i.e. sex, affection etc.) . Men, on the other hand, need the PHYSICAL connection first. It's amazing that we EVER get together! But it's true. In your case, it's sounds like your wife is far gone enough that you're going to have to bite the bullet and forgo your physical connection for awhile to try and make that mental and emotional connection with your wife.

Women get overwhelmed. And instead of doing the logical thing like slowing down, we tend to take on more responsibility. Our husbands and our love life (i.e. sex life) becomes just one more thing on our "to do" list that we have to do. What we really WANT is for our husbands to step in and say NO...that's enough. Do that for her.

And check out this website: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html
do the quiz with your wife. You might be surprised at the results.
Oh, and read the may issue of Men's Health magazine. There is an outstanding article on the way the female mind works. It's a serious article and is worth reading.

Hang in there! Don't give up. And don't let your wife give up. Marriage is worth fighting for. You obviously loved each other enough 19 mos ago when you got pregnant ;) Don't give up on that!

Answer 3

Be patient and shower her with love. She is probably having some post partum depression and it will end. She may need some counseling to help her get through the wild emotions. After the birth a woman's hormones drop tremendously and it take some women quite a while to build those back up. She is physically exhausted from having a baby and obviously a work schedule but she is lucky to have such a helpful husband who obviously wants to work this out.

If he's 10 months old this should all be over soon. Tell her maybe a good counselor could help her understand what her body is going through.

The other very important thing is to rekindle the fire that you had when you two met. Hire a good babysitter and go out to a nice dinner, a movie, whatever. Be alone. When it comes to sex, sometimes the best thing for a woman to get back into the mood is to just do it, whether she wants to or not. It will remind her body what to do and feel and she'll remember the pleasure of it.

You're doing great, keep it up.

Answer 4

Ouch! Is she self-councious from changes in her body? She may not feel so sexy as before. Is she just plain tired? Is there any apprehension about getting pregnant again soon or even again? These things you can work through together. Babies are SOMETHING! You can really get focused on them to the expense of other relationships. But, it sounds as if she may just be exhausted! You say she has a busier schedule than you do. Is she working and trying to be a 'super-mom'? There just isn't time for everything. Is she trying work full-time and more and be a great homemaker too? If so, she needs relaxation time.

Best wishes!

Answer 5

I went through this after the birth of my last child. I felt so distant from my husband, but I didn't know why. He's a wonderful husband and father, so I felt guilty for feeling this way! I have a history of Postpartum Depression, so my doctor immediately started to treat me for it again when I told him how I was feeling and I noticed a difference in myself within a matter of weeks. I don't know if this what your wife is suffering from, but it certainly is sign of it. People think Postpartum Depression goes away after the baby is a few months old, but that's not true in every case. Talk to her about this possibility and then she can get some help.

Answer 6

I think it's good you are able to talk about it. It's a great way to start changing things for the better.

Men will never be able to understand what a woman goes through when she gets pregnant and then delivers a child. Even if you read all the books in the world, you will never GET it because you didn't EXPERIENCE it in your own flesh and blood.

For some women more than others, having a baby totally redefines your image of yourself, and having to play different roles - first as a lover and then as a wife, and then as a mother- can be quite overwhelming.

I'd say therapy is a good way for you to talk things over. I wish you well and hope you can overcome this soon.

Answer 7

It's still post-partum -- take her on a date! Away for the weekend at a real romantic spot -- a B&B perhaps --

I think with so much time with the baby and giving to that relationship, nothing is left right now. It should get better, socialize with friends and her more -- Schedule date night and make everything special at birthdays, anniversary, etc.

Answer 8

try writing her a note (this is a good idea so that she may read it over again)"IF i have done anything to make you hurt in the past I'm so sorry.we both know that i would love for our relationship to get back on track,but i want to let you know that i can not do this alone.what ever we need to do to make this happen,''I'm in'' we can do this in little steps but we really need to start this as soon as possible.make sure you don't place blame or brag of what you been doing.there's nothing worse then a man thinking hes doing women a favor by doing what needs to be done at home.its a job for both.i really hope this gives you an idea.Good Luck.

Answer 9

She's experiencing post-partum depression. After I had my son I experienced the same thing. It took several years for me to feel attracted to my husband again. Maybe if I had sought professional help it would not have taken so long. It's strange but our first child was our daughter and I didn't experience any post partum depression after having her, but with our son it was totally different. My husband was and is a very patient man or he could not have stood by me. There were times he got a little impatient, but who could blame him. I would feel so guilty for putting him through all that, I would tell him just to move on and find somebody to make him happy because I couldn't, but he never did. Marriage is tough, having children is tough, but if the two of you are determined, or even if one is determined to make it while the other is just numb to any emotion, you can make it and you will be closer. I think it speaks highly of you as a person because it is rare for a man to even notice or care about his wife's emotional state. Most men would say, "Heck with it" and leave. What you are going through is tough, I know, but you can make it. It's just a season and it will pass. But, seriously, she needs to talk to her doctor about this.

Answer 10

the same thing happened to me and it is very common because now she feels like she has to share her love with you and now someone else , and a baby makes you feel so tired and drained because they are non stop work, i didnt know why i felt this way eiether but the doctor told me that alot of women feel this way for a while after giving birth , it will pass but you have to have alot of patients . good luck