What would you do?

Question

Before hubby and I were married he told me he was "Not deployable" for the USAF, now we have been married little under a year, and he's signing up for deployment (without telling me; I stumbled upon this information when he left it mistakenly on our desk top). To me this is about the equivilent of an affair...what should I do? I know he realllly wants to go, but he told me before we were married that it would never happen. I'm usually pretty easy about letting him do what he wants, but this is one area I'd really like to draw the line. I mostly worry for our baby, because I grew up without a dad who was active in my life. I know the effects it has on kids, my husband does not. What would you do?

Answer 1

Please be understanding of him. No one, and I mean no one in the military is 100% not deployable lately. My husband was not "deployable" too and then they sent him away for 18 months. He's in the Army and I live on an Air Force base so I know the Air Force is not sent away for as long. Appreciate that, really. He probably had a change of heart when he heard of something going on over there or maybe he wants the extra pay to help pay off some bills. Yes, you guys get extra pay while he's gone but you'll need power of attorney to handle the bills if any aren't in your name. Once he's signed on there's no backing out. It's not an affair although he should have talked with you before volunteering. But you made a vow for better or for worse, right? You married someone in the military and that's part of military life. Sometimes deployment can benefit everyone, trust me. If you stick by him in his decision and be totally faithful while he's gone, you'll get a new sense of independence and he will have an even deeper love for you. It will end up bringing you closer, not more apart. If you hate him for it, it will kill your relationship and he will feel like you don't love him or your country. Let him fulfill his duties as a soldier. It's something deeper for him than just that. He probably feels the need to do what the others are doing and this may validate his being a soldier in his eyes. My husband said that after being in the military for 16 years and hadn't been deployed yet at that time it was horrible. He had such a desire to put all those years of training in action, after all, what are they trained to do? Sitting over here while their buddies are over there can feel like less of a soldier. Don't worry, let him go and give him a hug telling him you support your country and your husband in whatever he does. That's what a military wife is. You can email me privately if you need more help. I've been there for 20 years now.

Answer 2

I am not sure of the difference bettween "not deployable" and his ability to then seek deployment.

If you feel you had a clear understanding (actually stated) that you married him because he could absolutely NOT be deployed, then you have a breach of trust. First, apparently he can be deployed. Secondly, he sought it. In this case, you need to tell him this and see if he can withdraw the request.

After you have a discussion that is as unemotional and fact-based as possible (such as mentioning that you married him because you think he would be a great dad), you might make some progress.

If he goes, you need to wrangle a commitment to him that he will not seek furthher deployment; however, that all might end up out of his control. In fact, be sure that you understand all this paperwork. Be sure that it was solely his decision and what is behind it.

It he absolutely refuses to talk and you come away feeling that your trust in him is gone, then you will have these other tough decisions to make. In other words, you might work through this, even if he is deployed. But his attitude about it will tell you if you are in for life-long problems.

Answer 3

I wouldn't say it's comparable to cheating, but it was a sneaky, dirty and under-handed thing he did.

The big question should be why is he making such a life-altering decision without consulting you? It's not like he's decided to switch up the dinner plans...he's electing to be sent to war, where he could potentially be injured or killed. This shows no respect at ALL for you, your child or your marriage.

Confront him about what you found. Especially if you agreed to marry him on the grounds that he would not be deployed. I know you love him, but he totally went behind your back and did this, so something isn't right.

Answer 4

That does have the same feeling of being cheated on, its like he secretly wants to be away from you, but DONT feel that way, its because he joined he probably wants to go my hubby and I were active and he always talked about volunteering to go and now, he is grateful he didnt b/c we probably would nt be where we are today. Talk to him, let him know what you found and ask him why he didnt be more forthcoming and let him know how this has affected you and will affect you if he decides to go through with it,but at the same time listen to him and why he wants to go, way your pros and cons and make a wise decision.

Answer 5

1. He broke a promise to you.
2. He's putting the military before his family
3. He hid it from you.

Ask him how he would feel if there was a scenario in which you did this to him. Say for some reason you had a career that asked you to go abroad to Europe for 2-6 months even though you said you'd never go, and on top of it you told your work you would and now he's left to deal with it.
Seems pretty insensitive. I hope he comes to see things through your perspective and I'm sorry.

Answer 6

Support his decision, and ensure he realizes he has to support yours when you find a replacement while he is gone. You will need help while he is away, it's not easy!! Since he has chosen to put you in a bind, Yes it is his duty to serve, but he made that voluntary decision without discussing it with you first. Make sure your help is honest, caring, & willing to be there for you & your baby. Once they are deployed you may hear from them once every 2 weeks, etc., but when things get hot in the kitchen, or the car breaks down, the grass needs to be mowed, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Who will help? Make sure your help is to your liking..... & let your husband know that things may be different when he gets back..... He is making life decisions, since he may never return. Plant your seeds.....

Answer 7

He needs to do what he thinks is best and you should respect him for that. Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel; but at the same time, you need to let him know that you will be there for him. Nothing worse for a service person than getting a "Dear John" letter while deployed overseas fighting for our country and your freedom. Best of luck to you and hats off to your hubby. He will be in my prayers.

Answer 8

WOW! Why would he want to be deployed? I mean does he think it pays better or. . . . . . I can't imagine anyone voluntarily signing up for something like that . . . especially without talking to their spouse about it first. I wish I had some advice, but . . . . . I don't. What did he say when you asked him why he did such a thing?

Answer 9

If you love him...talk to him about what he is doing and why he felt he had to hide it from you. Also about your fears for yourself and your child...your childhood without a father. Tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels about it. Find out his reasons and thoughts too.
You are married and have to work through "everything" together if you want the marriage to last.
Talk to him.

be cool...

Answer 10

Well ...If I was him....I would dump your whining sorry @ss and get some excitement back in my life...if I was you..I would grow up and try living in the real world.....well you did ask.....xxx