ex not willing to share custody?

Question

have a young child and my attorney advised that i would only be able to get joint legal with good visitation for the first few years. the soon to be ex however, believes that she will get sole custody and is so far not willing to come to a visitation agreement in our mediation hearings. i have made generous support and paid insurance for the child since she was born. i also have no history of domestic violence or anything that would cause a danger to the child.

if this divorce has to go to a judge, how will he/she view our not being able to come to an agreement during mediation? i have made a reasonable offer (joint legal, child support, good visitation until baby is school aged) but she is being unreasonable at this point. also, she does not have an attorney.

Answer 1

most judges/courts these days want to see shared joint custody as long as there aren't issues of abuse. Your ex has little chance of getting sole custody if there is no hisotry of violence, no legal problems etc.

Answer 2

Sorry to say but most of the replies are wrong. Joint custody is not easy to get and the main reason is people who divorce generally do not get a long and have communication problems. Joint custody take 100% of both to perform splitting 50% of the time together. Also you will have to live in the same school district, same church or temple. Most men get visitation and the mother get sole custody, They are the main provider for the care, sole custody. Mediation is just a means or way to settle things before going to court, if it works great, if it does not that is part of the reason you go to court. If you are very set in your mind for joint custody, I would suggest you read up on it and talk to a lawyer about the way thing will be with it and how things will be in the future. Joint custody and you get a job offer in another town or state will have major issues regarding joint custody, think before doing anything.

Answer 3

The Judge is interested in A) The welfare of the child B) Fair and equitable distribution of assets C) Ongoing support in conformance with the law. In this order.

Here is some news...he has seen squabbling over children and visitation once or twice before. Your inability to agree is not unusual and irrelevant.

It is almost always in the best interest of the child to have Dad stay in the kids life. Unless you are a dud you will likely be awarded joint legal and physical custody. She will be restricted from moving the child. You will have an equal voice in religion, education and how the child is raised.

Stick to the highroad. Make reasonable requests. Follow your lawyers advise. I won SOLE legal and physical custody of two small children in California so you can certainly win joint.

If you are a flake, party boy, unreliable in visitation, hostile and abrasive in front of the kids, buy into her petty nonsense and baiting you will jepordize your position. Your ex is bitter and thinks she has more rights than she has. You are the Dad, a parent and a necessary part of your kids life no matter how badly she wants it to be otherwise. Good luck and please be a stand up guy for your kids....some day they will thank-you for this.

Answer 4

I went through a divorce a few years ago. If I am not mistaken I think in order to receive joint custody both you and the mother must live in the same county. From what I have read I don't see any reason why you couldn't be granted joint custody. But if the judge does give her sole custody, I think he may set up the visitation for you if she will not come to an agreement. She will then have to go by what the judge says or she will be in contempt of court.

Answer 5

First, fire your lawyer and find someone else. If he is not even willing to fight for your custody rights you are in trouble already. Second. If this goes to court which I am pretty sure it will. Make sure that the mediator is called as a witness on your behalf. He/She can then let the judge know that your ex-wife is the unwilling party. Judges in most states ( NY excluded) tend to frown on parents that are not putting the best interest of the child first. Next thing is this. If you are paying support and it is not ordered yet make sure that you are paying it through the court system or child support system. If you are just writing a personal check and handing it to her you have another problem. Without the support going through child support division they have no record without this record everything that you paid to date is null and void and you can be held accountable for back child support. You can also ask your mediator for a court guardian for your child. What a court guardian does is protect your childs right in the court system. They will have meetings with each parent seperately and with the child. They will then testify as to the situation and what should be taken in to consideration. But back to my first sentence. Make sure you fight for joint physical and legal custody. If you don't fight for it now you will be behind the eight ball in everything else with the custody. If I sound like I know what I am talking about it is because my husband's ex-wife pulled the same crap and our lawyer told us the same thing as yours did. He hasn't seen his children in over 5 years because the Mother refuses to allow his visitation. Makes up all kinds of reasons. And when she wants to be really nasty even goes as far as filing bogus charges against us. Same with the child support. She said we didn't pay her anything for the first 7 years. It was paid directly to her with a personal check. Because it didn't go through the system they say they can't count it. They now tell us that we are over 100,000.00 in the arrears in back child support. And don't think that just because you have a copy of the cancelled check that they will except that. They won't. Also don't think that child support and visitation have anything to do with eachother they don't. Don't worry about the judge thinking about the two of you not coming to an agreement. The judge realizes that you are getting divorced, if you could come to an agreement you would still be married. Most divorce couples do not agree. One last thing. If I was you I would fight for full custody of the child. It seems to me that the Mother is not putting the childs best interest first and that you are trying to. Good Luck to you. You will be in our prayers. D & G Gifts Etc.

Answer 6

The chances of the judge denying you visitation or custody at this point IF there are no crimes on your record are very slim. Even states that automatically give the mother preference still grant visitation. In fact, unless she can show a legally justifiable reason for refusing you even visitation while you ARE paying support, most judges will see that negatively on her and may increase visitation.

If the judge grants visitation she is required to allow it, whether she wants to or not. A friend of mine just got FULL custody of his son because his ex denied him visitation for over 2 years. So now he has his son and SHE gets to see him only 2 weeks a year. (they live on different sides of the country and SHE insisted on a statement in the divorce that the non-custodial parent could demand no more than 2 weeks plus 1 holiday per year of visitation )

Answer 7

a judge will make a fair decision.your ex is not guaranteed anything .if you live in the same area as your ex even if the child were in school some judges would rule for joint shared physical custody.you would alternate weeks and holidays and no one would pay the other child support and you would both be required to carry health insurance if available to you.this is the best case scenario. dont just give up and think you can do this later you must do it now.my son was told to sign his kids over because he was in the army and that when he got out he could change it.that was a lie it is not easy .leave it to the judge but let the judge know you want shared joint physical custody.you wont know if you dont try.good luck.

Answer 8

I dont see a question here, but i do have an experience to share that might help you. I am a woman, a mother of 2, one who is from a dead beat dad, but i have to give you credit. You want to see your child, and with any luck, you will. Here is my story: at 17, i was pregnant, and before i turned 18 and graduated high school, i had a baby. Her father was in jail the day she was born. He has been in jail every year for most of the years, he only manages to stay out of jail for about 6 months or so. Well, when my daughter was only a few months old, and he was still in jail, we had our custody hearing. Obviously, I got sole custody, he was in jail! Anywho, even with him being in jail, and also being a VIOLENT sex offender, the judge still gave him supervised visitation. Has yet to be revoked, not from lack of trying. He hasnt seen her in over 6 months, and only sees her about once a year when he feels she fits into his life at that particular moment. Yet, he still has visitation, owes over a grand in child support in just under 6 months. I think your chances are pretty good of getting at least joint. your lawyer should stress to the judge the efforts you have made to come to an agreement, and shouldnt be held against you.
Personally, i think you are one of the good guys, and for your sake, i hope it gets you what you want!

Answer 9

Hi, i had the opposite problem i wanted my ex to share custody we went 2 mediation as well but he would not agree 2 anything and he was abusive 2 me but not our children. The courts ended up making me take the children to c him every sunday fr 4hrs a week. He has given me nothing but grief for the past nine years. The courts will b willing to grant you joint custody but i suggest u put in the orders that neither of u can put down the other to the child or in front of the child.

Good luck i hope it works out for you, you sound very caring

Answer 10

I think the answers you have gotten are somewhat fair.

HOWEVER, I have been explained that the only way for JOINT (50/50) custody is for each parent to reside in the same county and school district so that school would not be a concern. (Even though the chold may not be enrolled in school yet.) Standard Visitation varies from state to state. But, I don't think it's really all that fair.

I would certainly continue with your attorney.

Divorce is certainly difficult on the child.

Answer 11

sometimes you have to act smart and just act period.

while I am certain this is already the case - you are going to have to make things a bit more obvious for all parties involved.

at all times you will appear to the judge, your ex-to-be and your attorney, and her representative, and her family, and her co-workers and her buddies - to care about nothing else than the welfare of your child.

don't raise your voice - ever. ask questions to the judge when appropriate and let it be known that your are deeply concerned about the child's welfare.

try to win her family over - but only express your interest in the child's welfare - don't say one negative thing about your ex-to-be. and work with family only if they are reasonable.

get a top lawyer - and tell him/her exactly what you want regarding custody - and be prepared to pay for that. research your lawyer - look for a cracker jack, a craftly tough lawyer who likes to win.

let this lawyer (a woman is best) do the fighting for you, while you remain meek and focused on your child.

do your homework in your state/province and get the facts. if your current lawyer is already selling you out - get another one - now.

you will get custody - but let the judge know that you are concerned there may not be much protection of your relationship with your child in the future.

suggest counselling for you and your ex to learn how to raise your child seperately in a healthy way.

if she is still being unreasonable she will really start to look ridiculous - but STILL you will not put her down.

this is no longer about you and your ex - this is about you and your child - so swallow it - and maintain the best image.

finally, time will help all. give the issue a break with your wife. she is likely backed into a corner and feeling resentful -so give her space - as much as she needs.

then, when the moment is right - work on repairing the relationship with your ex. not to reconcile as a couple, but to get along better and perhaps even to develop a friendship.

you may (in private only) be able to concede that you share the responsibility for the failed relationship - so acknowledge this IF the conversation is private and if she is capable of dealing with this kind of discussion.

apologise to her because you want the best for her too. if you can win back a bit of her confidence and are genuine, then you both win.

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whew! that's a lot of work! but you are a DAD! this is the kind of soul wringing work that you must be prepared to do to keep your child in your life.

Good luck!