Help!! I find it difficult to deal with people. Am I making the right decisions?

Question

I'm in college and when I first entered, I was overly nice and most people around me liked me. I was too sensitive. It's been a few semesters and I've learned that people can be cold and cruel for no reason. At first, I was about to drop out of college because it greatly affected my mental health, but now I've made a decision. Don't be nice to the people who you don't trust even if you are going to be working with them for a few more years. People say that I have greatly changed and that I have become a Biitch. So what? That's the only way peoples opinions won't get to me. I didn't come to college to waste my time with cold heartless people, but to get my degree. If I'm nice and I let people in, I know I will get hurt. It's too much for me to handle. My problem is that I have created this wall and my loved ones are hurt by it.

Too many great answers. You people deserve more than these stupid 10 points.

Answer 1

I can relate to your dilemma. One of the hardest things in life is to know who to trust and then how not to put up a wall when that trust is betrayed or broken. Forgiveness is a key... forgiving yourself and then forgiving the ones who have hurt you. When Jesus forgave people from the cross who had just spit on him, beat him, and wrongfully abused him, it was not out of revenge. If anything, those people should have been the ones to apologize. But Jesus forgave because he knew what people are like... he knew they were imperfect and selfish... and he knew what his death would accomplish for millions. So I encourage you to forgive those who have wronged you and realize they are just as confused about life and imperfect as the next person. None of us are perfect so to expect perfection in anyone, especially when it comes to trust, will only result in disappointment every time. I am praying for you... blessings!

Answer 2

You know what....College life can do a number on students and their attitude sometimes stink and others are very friendly and come together as a team. Perhaps some of the students are afraid that you have great talent, again jelousy is the last thing anyone needs to hear.

You came to college to earn a degree whatever your goals were aimed at, and go for it! Yes, you were very nice and socialized well. But someone had nothing better to do, and yet their attitude stunk, proably because they didn't do better then they should, and feared you would stand out because of your 'gift', don't let anyone take that away from you! Just your normal hi's and bye's...Go about your studies & DON'T GIVE UP!

Ignore the wrong crowds you tried to blend in with. Find someone else that you can enjoy your college life and earn your degree!

Btw, don't create a wall between you and your loved ones, they didn't cause you problems in the first place, right? Just let them know that you had some trouble with college students who ain't mature as you thought they were! So your loved ones don't read you the wrong way.

~~~~Stay close to your loved ones always!~~~~~

Good luck Mi Amiga

Answer 3

You seem to present several clear contradictions.

First, you seem to be aware that you started out being overly nice.

Perhaps this was the reason people were cold and cruel? Perhaps it was just a normal response because they could not figure out why this stranger was being so overly nice to them?

Then you went to the other extreme, and become a *****. You've put a wall around yourself.

Now you don't want to hurt your loved ones because of the wall.

Guess what?

The solution is really simple.

Be like the grass... green and brown and yellow. Forget about black and white.

You weren't meant to be extreme, and even you know it yourself.

Its not easy and it takes practice finding the middle ground. Sometimes you will fail, sometimes you will succeed. But I guarantee you this. Life will NEVER be perfect.

I do hope you learn to revel in it anyway. Life is to be lived, you need to eat, you need to go to the toilet. Enjoy both.

Good luck, best wishes. Tuna

Answer 4

Learning to deal with anger, frustration, hurt and other unpleasant emotions is definitely beneficial.

In a social society, learning to deal with difficult and challenging personality types is important. College and university are also the place where many people build life long friendships, network and begin forming connections to help them in their professional lives or their careers.

If you develop the reputation of being a "B", you will start be treated that way. You will certainly have people leave you alone, but you will find that this will work against you over time.

If you are prepared to be a "B", remember how this might affect a professor who has to grade you, an employer who is considering hiring you, an employer who judges how well you get along with others, etc.

What I found was helpful was being more selective in choosing friends. Look at their character. Many people have difficulty assessing others, opening up to soon, divulging information or problems in settings that aren't necessarily beneficial or supportive.

There are plenty of resources available to learn how to deal with challenging people and their personality quirks. It's a worthwhile investment of time and energy.

Answer 5

I don't know whether you heard of "Middle Path". It is not a well defined path and also difficult to see the exact line but, still in zig-zag also it is always better to stick to that. It is neither trying to please everybody nor making them enemies by rude talk. Both are extreme. But, with some training and indepth analysis find out the middle point of both and talk to people assertively but politely. Keep your goal of getting a degree from the college in mind than making friends or making enemies. But, college is also a place to learn social skill. Social skill is again "Middle path" it is neither compromising your ethics and values nor imposing that on others. It is neither carving for getting into the good books of all nor in to the list of bad people. Since you saw both sides and also raised a question with an inclination to correct, I think now you are rightly coming to the corrective stage. All the best.

Answer 6

It sounds cliche but it's true: you can't control others but you can control your response to them. You choose how to respond. If someone is having a bad day and gives you a bad time or dirty look - its their problem, their issue, their bad day - not yours. Don't change your mood for their bad judgement. If they walk around being nasty and stabbing people in the back that doesn't mean you have to do the same thing to protect yourself. If everyone did that no one would trust anyone. When you think about it your response to their bad day is mirroring their bad behavior. Don't be like them. Be your sweet, nice, friendly self.
You've learned some lessons and perhaps overreacted to some experiences. So you need to swing back just a bit to the middle. Learn your lesson then put the past behind you.

I think you're wrong to change from sweet, nice, friendly to mean and nasty because you've had a few bad experiences. You're right it is a trust issue. You put your trust out there, wore your heart on your sleeve and had some bad experiences. You've had difficulty dealing with it because you don't know how to (which means you just need to learn but don't give up).
You can still be sweet, nice and friendly as well as firm - just like a tree can be beautiful, soft with leaves yet stands upright not yielding its ground or space in the sun. You've made it this far. You're in college. You worked hard to get there and now you're twisting in the wind. You want to pull up your roots and lay down. You're job is to stand firm. I think you're equating standing firm with being mean. No.
Not everyone is going to like you - period. You say you were too sensitive and overly nice. Sounds like someone has you convinced that being nice and being sensitive are really bad, unfavorable traits - they're wrong, period. Again the tree - not everyone is going to think that tree is the greatest looking tree, not worth sitting under. But others will think its the greatest tree ever. Do you think the tree folded up and said "Some of these people don't like me so no more soft leaves. They say I'm overly leafy. I'm going to grow thorns maybe that will solve my problems." This is what you're doing. No the tree doesn't do that - it continues growing like it always has. May have some scars from someone kicking the trunk or carving their name in the bark but scars grow over. If a branch is cut off the tree just grows another one in its place. Doesn't stop the tree from doing what it has to do. The tree stays planted, roots firmly planted, growing outwards and upwards towards the sun for everyone to enjoy. Do you think the tree cares if someone walks by it throwing a dirty look? The tree doesn't care. So what are you going to do?
You are in college to get an education and part of that experience is opening up to others and learning about yourself and others in the process. Sounds like you just had a bad experience and haven't been willing to put yourself back out there. Don't take it all these dings and scratches so seriously. Learn the lesson. Try something new. Put the past behind you. Remember this is your life. Every experience will teach you something but it will always be a balanced lesson. Remember stand firm. Be faithful to your nature (nice, friendly, funny - whatever) because anything else isn't you, isn't genuine and will only work against you. Not everyone will like you but that's okay you'll just continue to grow and there are plenty of others that will appreciate you for who you are. Good luck. Study hard. Put yourself out there, reach out and be you. Have fun. Keep smiling!

Answer 7

Trust the ones you know can be trusted...
Exp.) I cant trust my dog..with my straightener because he'll chew up the cord BUT otherwise I think he's the best.. he has his flaws yes...but doesnt everybody? Sometimes im afraid to leave the door open because he'll get out and chase after me..What if somebody is wanting to do this with you?

Im a *****, and I dont care, if I dont like people then I obviously dont care much for them to care about what opinions they have against me...only my loved ones matter.

I can trust ONLY and ONLY in my oldest sister. I can tell her anything, its true I have alot of friends, and yes I have my own wall.

Answer 8

Sometimes we set up walls because we haven't learned how to set boundaries or how to trust them - yet. Keep playing with it. You know who you don't want to hurt, and you also know that you don't want to let everyone or just anyone in your space. You won't find a system of rules that will protect you and still keep you connected to people you care about. But you can become stronger so that other people's opinions or behaviors are not so detrimental to you. Stay true to you.

Answer 9

It occurs to me you answered your own question quite nicely when you said, "I was too sensitive," and again, "If I'm nice and I let people in, I know I will get hurt." Your statement tells me that you have built expectations in someone, trusted that person, and then been disappointed. Your conclusion is that you should never trust a person again. I recommend you change gears a little and decide for yourself that instead of keeping all your trust to yourself, try keeping all your expectations to yourself. This way, you can still interract with people, but your expectations are not high, so they are never disappointed. Live. Love. Learn. But don't let the shortcomings of a few unrealistic expectations keep you from enjoying the human interaction that is so vital to life...especially in your college experience.

An example: I come home and expect the family and the dog to jump on me and shower me with welcome, while the music plays in the background and the sun warms my face, with everything in the house in place. But what really happens is nobody notices as I trip over someone's sneakers in the doorway on a drab dreary day. Result: I feel disappointed and rejected.

Flip side: I do not build up my expectations. The only thing I expect when I get home is that I will probably have to use my key to get in the door. Whatever greeting I receive on the other side is an unexpected suprise. Result: I feel suprised, loved and accepted.

Apply this logic to your relationships.
You meet a friend. You expect this friend to guard every confidence, meet you every day, respond to every correspondence, laugh at every joke and empathize with every situation. They fail to meet your expectations (whether they are realistic or not). Result: You feel disappointed and rejected, and consider never exposing yourself to another living soul as long as you live.

Flip side: You meet a person. They seem nice, but you'll see. No expectations. They drop you a line. You feel esteemed. You share an intimate story that affected your life. They nod and respond accordingly. You feel affirmed. One day, they tell you in some special way that you are a special friend. You feel cherished.

The trigger is in your own expectations. When you build them up, they get let down. When you keep them reasonable, they get built up.

The frightening truth is that when we build unrealistic expectations and rest them solely against another person, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Then, we usually choose a response like anger, fear, resentment, all of which are negative emotions that make us wish to avoid whatever triggered the response (Pavlov's dog, so to speak). Our knee-jerk reaction is to avoid the overt action (coming home in my example, or reaching out to new friends in yours). But if we look closer, we find another variable, and refrain from building up the expectations.

God bless you while you whittle your way through the emotional and mental strain of college. I know it's not easy, but you will always have these days to look back on. Allow youself to develop memories that will cause you to look back and smile, rather than look back and wonder why.

Answer 10

I can't give advice about how an individual should interact
with their close friends, but in regards to college
acquaintences an emotional relationship isn't necessary.
College relationships can be healthy based solely on
business conveniences. If an individual doesn't feel
comfortable being in proximity to someone then the
individual has the choice of leaving the proximity or
politely mentioning that they aren't comfortable with
the situation.