husband cheated a year ago and refuses to talk about it?

Question

my husband cheated cheated on me while we were engaged. i didnt find out about it until later, after the affair had been going on for a year. i am trying to forgive but i need to talk about it and find out exactly why he did it. everytime i try to bring up the topic, he gets mad and storms out of the house or goes into the bedroom and locks the door. i am trying to forgive but it infuriates me everytime he does this. what should i do?? we get along fine as long as we dont talk about it.but im still hurt..

Answer 1

You are in a stressful marriage, and it looks like it will continue to be that way unless YOU decide to do something about it.

I'd say go to therapy, or counseling, by yourself first. Deal with your feelings and later, when you are stronger, you can tell your husband to come to therapy with you.

If he still refuses to go and get help, I'd say rethink your relationship with him.
He sounds like he's manipulating you, and making you feel guilty for something HE did! This is typical of immature and selfish people....They act up and start yelling and using smoke curtains to be left alone, because they KNOW they screwed up!

Take care of yourself, and don't settle. You deserve to be loved by a good man, so don't let him put you down.
Respect yourself if you want others to respect you, too! Good luck!

Answer 2

He's not handling this too maturely it seems. Are you accusatory when you ask? It sounds as though he may be harboring some heavy guilt over this.

From his reaction, I would guess that counseling is out. However, that is exactly what he needs. He needs it first, because he has some deep rooted issues surrounding that whole thing. He may be taking your questions as new accusations (whether you mean them this way or not), or an unwillingness on your part to truly forgive him.

He desperately needs counseling, and once he's far enough along, maybe you can join him there and the two of you can talk about it in a place where he may have come to accept as safe.

Whatever you do, don't ask for too many details. You don't really want to know too much. Why will be enough, and counseling may get you there.

Good luck and God bless you for hanging in there!

Answer 3

Seek some professional help he has so much guilt built up inside of him he cannot talk about it. If you guys get some therapy maybe if he has some guidance from someone else he may open up to why he did it. It is foolish and everything but maybe he did it because he knew he was going to be with you his whole life and wanted a fling before it was finalized in marriage. I think he feels like a piece of crap for
doing it and probably even worse that you found out about it.

Maybe it could also be bringing up the whole incident and he
contemplates in his mind if he made the right choice marrying you?.

First off I give you props for standing by your man even when you found out he was cheating on you for a year. Really either you are head over heels in love with this guy or a complete moron. I would consider he is still cheating on you and that is why he runs out of the room so you do not see his reaction to the questioning?.

Answer 4

Cheating is a horrible thing to talk about.

You deserve to know what happened and what went down. There has got to be a way to get through to him. Would your husband go to counseling with you? Have you asked him that?

Another question I have to ask and you answer this: Is he remorseful? If he isn't sorry he cheated chances are he isn't finished.

I have the craziest relationship with my husband. We have both sided in that direction, but were able to talk to each other about the affairs. (I would have never done it if he didn't do it first). I know that's no excuse.

The fact remains that your heart was damaged emotionally, and in order for you to mend that, you need to talk to him about it.

Perhaps it's in the setting when you talk to him. There is a time and place for everything. You will have to catch his full attention and maybe start off with a conversation like this:

Baby do you love me? If you do love me, would you do something that will make me happy? When he is confused and interested in what you are going to say then say something like:

I really need this to happen, because right now things are where they need to me and my heart still aches because of it... When his ears are open and ready to receive:

Then tell him what you want to know.

Answer 5

Sounds like you're the one who should be storming out and locking the door! If he doesn't want to talk about it, sounds to me like he isn't very remorseful and you should be doing some serious thinking. If he's done it once, what's stopping him from doing it again if he won't be honest with you about the first time? I would think he'd "get" that you have questions and are hurt and need to get over it before your relationship can start to progress again.

I think you need to confront him once and for all. If he walks away, warn him that you won't be there when he gets back. And mean it! You are worth more than that. Because from what I'm reading, he married you while cheating and continued to cheat while you were married. What does that tell you? Just tell him you need to have that closure in order to progress the relationship. Of course you're hurt - how else can you get over it??? Suggest counselling and get moving on it!

Answer 6

Unfortunately you can't force your husband to talk about it. He's made his decision that he won't discuss this with you and you have no control over this. Just like you didn't have control over his cheating on your for a year while engaged (I'm assuming you found out about the affair AFTER you got married, otherwise, you wouldn't have married him, right??)

You do have control over your own actions. So now you have a choice. You can either choose to continue with the relationship as is or you can leave. Perhaps your leaving may change your husband's mind, but maybe not. Either way, you get control back over your own life and decisions.

Answer 7

Well, dear, you're hurt and he can't fix it. But he's smart enough to know he could make it worse.

He cheated because he had a connection with the girl. She became a confidant and a lover. In the long run, she was not the woman for him or I don't think you'd be asking about your husband now.

How do you say this to the woman you love?

Here's the deal, hon: You won. And you didn't even know you were competing.

Now drop the subject and show him exactly why he chose you for his woman.

Answer 8

He will not talk about it. You can get counseling and try and work on the marriage, but he will not allow you to dig that deep into why he did what he did.

One reason being, is he's a man. Some men will allow anyone to know the deepest secrets that they have, regardless if it is the wife.

It is not easy being married to a man that has cheated on you. You lose the respect and the trust. You continue with the marriage, but the trust is gone. Sweetheart, the best advice that I can give you, is to hold on to your faith. Pray to God to renew the trust that you had in your husband. If he will not talk, and he pouts and gets angry, he's definitely hiding something from you but at this point in his life he will not share this with you. You will have to accept this and move on in the marriage.

Answer 9

talking about making mountain out of molehill.... why keep digging on issues resolved? true, he hurted you and is now making up the lost time which you recognized. why not focus on that decision of accepting and giving him a chance to prove his worth? it was your decision to forgive and move on...who forgets the pain of betrayal & unfaithfulness alright but as humane as we want to be, some things happened even with the best precautions in life. When you are faced into such dilemma, its either you learn to forgive (but not forget) and give it another shot or close the whole chapter of it and lose the person you love so much because at one time he did you wrong. Whereas, choosing to forgive and see things onward instead of backwards, you can still be together and even won the battle over the devil who could have put an end to your happiness. Life is not a bed of roses and if any difficulties arises along the journey and were taken with thoroughness, a supposed to be a happy ending can still be achieved to those who are willing to risk out of loving someone & giving a chance to be loved.

Answer 10

NO, I don't think so, "get over it". Marriage is respect, admiration, passion and trust, and hon, the trust is gone for sure, and the rest of it is in the toilet too, isn't it. In your place, I'd get my butt outa that marriage, big time, and now. There is no way you'll ever get over betrayal. You bet he's pissed, and it aint gonna change... he's a baby --- a baby for cheating on you and a baby for not wanting to discuss it with you. If you can't get him into counseling with you, you're nuts to stay.

"Pray to god and move on??" Any counselor will tell you that it will be two years, with no guarantees that you can heal this marriage.... call one and ask. You wanna wait around for (maybe) things to be fine??