Do you agree we should never say the followwing things to our kids?

Question

I talked with a therapist, expert in parents/kids relationships, especially teens, and she told me we must be very careful whith the kind of message we send our kids when we don't approve of their behavior, especially when we are angry. She emphasized some points we must be especially careful with:
We should never say I don't love you or I dont like you, but I don't like the way you behave. We should never say You're a bad kid, but you're behaving like a bad kid; We should never say something like I don't trust you or you're not trustworthy, but while you keep behaving this way, I can't trust you. The reason, she thinks, is it kinda important we show our kids we love them and think they are trustworthy, but are behaving in a so bad way that for now we can't trust. So, we send them the message that we trust they are good and can be trusted when they are themselves, but they for now they are not being trustworthy. The reason is to distinguish a permanente condition from a temporary one.

She thinks this difference between a permanent condition and a temporary one is very important for a teemn to keep his/her emotional stability and change his/her bad behavior

Answer 1

I will completely agree with your therapist. I grew up not being talked to very much by my parents, and when they did say something it was always something negative. "How stupid can you be?" "You're such an idiot..." It goes on and on. Anyway, I started to believe those things after being told them so many times. So, my self-esteem became really low, and I started doing drugs, having sex, cursing, even worshiping the devil, and cutting myself when I was 12 years old. Not to blame all of those things on my parents, but it did have a considerable amount of impact on my childhood. When we are young is when we are 'wiring our brains' for the rest of life. We start forming thinking patterns and self image. Our parents, who are our number one influence, teaches us these things. It took many years of self abuse to finally come to the conclusion that maybe this wasn't right for me. I had to find new friends real quick. A new way of life, people who could see the better side of me, when I didn't even know I existed - much less a good part of me existing. I have read tons of parenting books, listened to tons of speakers, went to tons of therapy. All to be told that I am a good person who made bad decisions. Not a bad person who will never change. It makes a HUGE difference the words that are told to us. Especially in the tender ages of childhood. It's hard for me to remember sometimes, that I am worth more than what I was doing. But, because I have surrounded myself by the right kind of people, I am reminded of who I am today.

Answer 2

I would definetly agree with all that. However my teen has done a few things that have made me not trust her at times. Im sad to say Ive told her that. I shouldve said the behavior made her not trustworthy. But I wonder if they actually here that or do they just hear..."mom doesnt trust me". Having a teen I know they often hear only what THEY want to hear in a conversation. Talking can be tricky sometimes because of this. Sometimes no matter what you say to a teen they take it differently. I think its just they dont have the life experience that adults have to disipher it out for themselves. Just my opion! :)

Answer 3

You should never tell your kids that you don't love them. That's a cardinal sin of parenting.

If you don't trust them, though, water's wet and rocks are hard. If they have broken your trust, and repeatedly do so, it's fair to say that you don't trust them, and list the reasons why.

To say that you trust them, but that you don't feel that they are being trustworthy is taking away accountability for the actions they have done. In the adult world, we all know that once trust is broken, it's hard to get it back (and some people never try). Sometimes, it is never gotten back. I feel that adolescents need to be aware of that risk. If you don't trust them, they need to know that. They can also be made aware that they can earn it back, but it has to be done this-and-this way.

Kids need to know what's wrong without the sugar-coating.

Answer 4

I agree with the therapist. When they are angry, upset or in any vulnerable state the parents are the most important thing. What you say will stick with them more than some person off the street. I won't say much more, because I would just be repeating what you typed! :)

Answer 5

Yes, there is logic behind this. I am 12 years old, and would hate it if my parents didn't trust me or love me. However, when the tell me that if they cannot trust/love me when I am acting some specific way, that makes me feel as if I can change my ways and earn their trust back, thus giving me more rights and decisions that I can make on my own.

Answer 6

That's is very true - especially when the kids are under 10 years old age. Things the parents say and do stick in their brain

Answer 7

You want to send the message that you don't disapprove of him as a person, but you do disapproved of what he has done. It is the difference between guilt and shame. You can recover from guilt, not from shame. If you are told that you are a bad person often enough, then you will believe you are not capable of doing good and will stop trying to do good. If told you did something bad, you will try hard to redeem yourself, and accomplish much.

Answer 8

I agree that it is important to distinguish permanent and temporary conditions.
Using language suggestive of a permanent situation that is really temporary of situational can lead to the loss of hope, and can lead to the continuance of the bad behavior.

Answer 9

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS IDEAS.

I guess we have to make our kids feel sure they are great people, and we know they are great people, and we expect them to keep being great people. So they don't even feel like they can fail, and it doesn't matter, because we don't trust them anyway, riggth?

I guess there is this other so helpful thing to our kids, look.. My father once told me .. you and your sisters are doing well because you know exactly that i expected the best from you, and never had doubt about it.

Is like he didn't ask, Do you want to go to college? .. he always said: What are you gonna study in college?..

Answer 10

Totally agree. I think your therapist is dead on.

Always tell a child, "I love you, but your behavior right now is really getting on my nerves" or something to that effect.

A parents love is supposed to be unconditional.