What's going on with my wife?

Question

I've been happily married for 7 years. I love my wife very much, but lately, I noticed she is different. She's always been a "party girl" but its gotten more frequent over the past year or so. We used to spend so much time together, but lately she's much more focused on going out with friends or meeting up with her guy friends. She has one guy friend (who I went to school with) with whom she is very close with. Also, she constantly talks about how she thinks marriage is unrealistic and how she's not sure if she wants kids. We have had several talks about it but she insists she is in love with me and that she just wants to live it up still while we are young and living in a big city. But the bottom line is that her behaviour really bothers me and I feel we are both going down different paths. What should I do?

Answer 1

Ever heard of the 7-year-itch? That's what it sounds like your wife has. I know you're probably thinking the worst- she's having an affair, she wants a divorce, etc.- but unless you have any concrete proof of that,I wouldn't jump to conclusions. She is probably just having a bit of an identity crisis. I am guessing you're both still quite young- early thirties, maybe, which would mean you got married in your early to mid-twenties. She has probably spent so much of her adult life identifying herself through her relationship with you, first as your girlfriend and then as your wife, that she maybe didn't get a chance to really discover who she is. Now her biological clock is starting to tick, and you can bet nosy people are asking her when you're going to start having kids, because people are always asking stupid questions like that to women in their late twenties-early thirties, trust me- and she's probably getting all panicky like, wait, is this it? It's not you- you have to believe that it is not you that is making her feel this way. She just probably feels too young to pack it in and succumb to existence in suburbia with a minivan full of kids. She wants to be able to look back at her young adult life and have fun stories and memories. Just be prepared for her to start coming home with bizarre ideas and hobbies, on her path of self-discovery. So far, my long-term partner (it sounds gay, but he's a guy- we're just not married, but we are committed to a life partnership deal.) has had to deal with me quitting my job unexpectedly, impulsively getting a bulldog, toying with the idea of opening my own restaurant, and moving a piano into the apartment so I can take lessons. In return, I've had to deal with him shutting himself in our spare room and writing a novel, skydiving, taking motorcycle lessons and buying a crotch rocket, and investing money in companies that make fuel out of corn. My point is, when you meet each other young, you must expect that you're going to grow in the relationship, and you have to anticipate these changing interests and flights of fancy. As long as you don't find any concrete proof that she's cheating, just be supportive of her and try to understand what she's going through as a woman in a society that expects certain things from us at a certain age. Thanks, and good luck to you both.

Answer 2

She says she's in love with you but her actions tell another story. Just because she loves you doesn't mean she wants to be married to you. If she's just into serving her own needs and isn't concerned with how you feel, then the marraige has become a lie. It's like you're just roomates and you're the one footing all the bills. If there's something she's trying to run from, then she's not letting you in on what it is.

I don't know what to tell you if all your attempts to get through to her have failed. She sounds like the kind of woman that will probably be married many many times in the future or will tell people that she tried marriage and it wasn't right for her. Good thing you didn't have kids with her. They'd be missing her too.

It might be time to find another wife and throw her aside the way she throws you aside everytime she goes out and leaves you alone pretending like she's single.

Answer 3

She wants to have her cake & eat it too. She enjoys having you around in her back pocket - just in case. She likes variety, stimulation, good times and she's verbalized it.

You are sitting home like dear ol' dad, while she's acting like a teenager again. I agree w/the other poster before that there is some identity/goal issues in the mix of this all. She doesn't seem to want much family responsibilities at this time (or perhaps ever).

The problem is that if she doesn't know what she wants, she can't begin to communicate it to you. This could take months or a separation to figure out. Having other guys in the pic, even if they're just friends, is difficult bc she may be confiding things in him that you don't even know about. You don't want to be the third wheel in your marriage - right?

Please go to counseling and sort this out. If she refuses - that will tell you where you stand in her life. Right now it's not too pretty.

Answer 4

You may or may not be a religious person but the best thing you could ever do is ask God for help. He is the reason for everything especially marriage & wants the best for every one of us. Sit down with her & try to have a very heartfelt talk about what is really going on with her. Be honest but don't come down on her too hard -- try to get the truth out of her but don't push her. She needs to live up to her responsibilities as a wife, her job & other life responsibilities not going out & partying. There's nothing wrong with getting in touch with your inner child but as an adult she needs to act like one if that's the problem. If she's been partying more than she's been spending time with you -- you really need to have a serious talk with her & ask what is more important. You or her partying -- she can't have it all, she needs to make a choice but you need to be there for her. Let her know that you really do care for her & are willing to do anything to make your marriage work.

Answer 5

I know that sort of situtation is tough when 2 people enjoy different things especially when it can be hamful tro a marriage. First do try and go out with her and be apart of it even if you don't like it, just once in a while enough to make your presence and love for her known to her friends, plus it can be fun. Also pick an adventure you can both do together and tell her even if she doesn't want to you are making a sacrifice by doing things that you wouldn't normally do either. Try to pick something you would both like, like going to wine tastings, or baseball games, or biking in the park, or kayaking. Something different and something fun you can both share together. This will help you rekindle the romance and passion in the marriage. It is important to have at least 1 special thing you both love doing together and being apart of every aspect of each others lives. Don't give up just get closer to her and don't let her slip away.

Answer 6

Sit her down for a lengthy conversation about what YOU want out of the marriage, and what SHE wants out of the marriage. Let her know that some of her activities lately really disturb you, and that "you feel you are headed down different paths". If she cares, she'll listen, and change a little.
But if someone has her attention, she'll just continue down the same road until YOU make a decision for yourself that it's not acceptable. She could be at a crossroads that every woman gets to when their in their mid twenties to early thirties....where you begin wondering if you're really happy where you are, if you made the right "life" chioces and what do I do from here. If it's just the normal course of life...she'll snap out of it. If she's messing around, she might not. Either way, you have to think of yourself, because she might not. Do what's right for you.

Answer 7

As people grow they change. Some couples change together some don't. I agree that you should have fun while you can, because once kids come along it is tough to get back the fun days.

My question to you is why aren't you having fun with her? Why is she going out without you? Are you a stick in the mud who would rather sit home on the PC or play video games? Sounds like it, so her actions are understandable. If you guys are not having kids now, which I also think is a mistake, then I agree, go out and live it up while you can.

Answer 8

You don't really say how old you are, so I can assume you're likely under 30? Either way, your wife needs to slow down and take a breath. It is normal to want to go out, but I can honestly say that going out for me and my husband separately was a recipe for disaster. I would explain to her that in order for your relationship to be balanced she needs to dedicate time to you and her as well as individually. You can't work on making a marriage stronger if you are divided. Trust me, I'm going through a divorce because of this very reason. Eventually, you'll run out of things in common and drift apart.

Answer 9

It sounds like she has just grown bored with the relationship. That happens sometimes when you get into a routine. That's probably why she is spending so much time partying. She needs to be entertained by something and likes life to be spicy. I am the same way. I have been with my man for 5 years now and I know that when things start to get mundane and I get restless, we need to spice it up a little. So we will go out of town for a weekend or do something else out of the ordinary. Then it reminds us why we like to spend time together and that we are each other's best friends. Why don't you try propositioning her for a steamy weekend at a hotel? If you constantly remind her of why she loves you so much, her desires to break away should dissipate.

Answer 10

Tell her she needs to make her mind up, that she sould have gotten her being like a teenager out before you two got married, and if she talks about this other guy alot then maybe shes into him because hes partying with her. Tell her that your willing to give her space until she knows what she wants. Tell that when you two got married you thought it was to each other and not to everyone that just wanted to have fun.Being married doesn't mean you can't have fun, but it's supposed to be on both parts and not someone feeling left behind,, maybe you should try and go with her and see how it is for both of you.

Answer 11

After reading the other answers, I'll be the devil's advocate. Maybe you should try going out with her and see what all the fuss is about. You complain of not spending enough time together, but you want her to compromise and you have to change nothing. Give it a shot maybe it will set your mind at ease or open your eyes to a completely different side of her you didn't know existed. If not you always have the old standby.... counseling. Good Luck!!!