I'm "shacking up" why do people view it as wrong??

Question

As Dr. Laura would put it....My boyfriend and I are shacking up.
I hear so many people talk of studies done & how it decreases your chances for a successful marriage should you choose to marry.

I'm curious what other people think about this subject. I personally dont see the problem...I think it is a better way to get to know someone & wether or not you'd be compatible IF your considering getting married.

My mom & step dad have been together going on 19 years & the still have never legally married or done so within a church. My father & step mother were together around 15 years before they married about 4 years ago & even then only for tax purposes.

I've heard people tell me that it shows a lack of respect on both out parts, or I am just an unpaid whore "my personal favorite"
I'm going to do what I want with or without the approval of society & right wing morality police......I'm just curious what some people's opinions are for the sake of seeing different point of views

on the matter of children...neither one of us want them and are taking precautions to prevent it from happening.....and to those that say it isn't 100% (i'm quite aware of that thanks) :-) and I do believe in alternate means of unwanted pregnancies

Answer 1

You will get those that are shacking up to say, it's ok, do what you want. And you will get those who are married who say, and actually can speak from experience, that it is better to marry. I too "shacked up" with the man who is now my husband. And although we have been married for 18 yrs, because we "lived" together for 3 yrs, now, when my anniversary rolls around I always feel gyped because we have been together for longer than we have actually been married. I remember always having in the back of my mind when we lived together, that oh well, if this doesn't work out, then I can always leave! But once I became married, my whole attitude changed, and I realized that I made a lifetime comittment to this man, and because I have integrity and morals, have every intention of living up to that comittment. I can see why you don't necesarilly put alot of importance on marriage. Your parents didn't exactly set that particular example and promote or encourage it. I certainly didn't allow pressure from family or society to influence my personal decision to marry. It was based on my own personal values and morals. There is a reason God says to not have sex before marrying, look at all of the illigitimate children who don't have the benefits of a two parent home with a Mother and Father being equally responsible and influential over the raising of a child(ren). There is also a reason God says not to divorce. Look at the devestating affects this experience has on families! I had to LOL when I read Valerie's answer. She supports you shacking up, (because she does it) but yet wants to eventually (when SHE'S good and ready) marry because she and her live in boyfriend are CATHOLIC and want to mimic Jesus` marriage to the Church!!!! WOW! What hypocrisy. Nevermind she swears like a sailor to top it off, but we can all see how she represents! It takes real work and effort to maintain your marriage comittment, and it is not always sunshine and lollipops, but I tell you what, I can hold my head up high and know deep in my heart that by me honoring GODS arrangement for men and women to be married and faithful and comitted, and feel very rewarded with self-respect and peace of mind that I have this goal in sight. I also believe too many marriages end simply because some people are too selfish and don't want to put in the work it takes. And if more people saw it as a serious responsibility, we wouldn't have all of these broken families. Oh, by the way, I love Dr. Laura! lol She really is one of a very few "moral" voices we have in this society, but I for one am glad she is there to remind us that morality IS something worth attaining. Best wishes to you, whatever you decide.

Answer 2

Let's take the label away from this. Not "conservative or "liberals". Let's view this as equal humans. There is nothing wrong with your idea. It's great actually. If he doesn't want to work, you could at least offer his kids some food for that day. Not saying buy them groceries everyday or anything. Secondly, you being the CEO, you don't hire people. Yes, you pick from the employees you have and choose who will be the CFO and things of that nature. You can't hire this homeless person. 1) you don't know if he has the qualifications to perform any duty in your company. 2) that's up to human resources, the hiring manager, and the man's accumulated work & education. Also, It's right to help others because one day you may need help to. Anyone can become homeless, no one is superior to the point of escaping fate. But i digress; it's important to help each other in life. When that many gets a job to support his children and himself then he will pay taxes just like everyone else. Taxes go to good things and good people (sometimes). We all need to help each other. Loose the selfishness. Another thing, Homeless people most often times don't get welfare assistance. They have no address or home to receive the benefits at which is a requirement. Plus many of them have substance abuse issues & mental illnesses. *there are more homeless veterans than soldiers that died in the vietnam war.

Answer 3

I'm curious. If you're going to do what you want with or without the approval of society and right wing morality police (and since when did this become a political question?), what does it matter what the other points of view are?

I think the studies you refer to are flawed. I think that couples who don't live together may have a better chance at staying married, but I think that's only because they're more likely to be traditional in the first place. Since they view living together as wrong, they are probably more likely to view divorce as wrong. So they may be together in misery, but they stay together.

I did not live with my wife before we got married, and in my opinion, it made the marriage more of an occasion. The marriage signified the beginning of a new life, a new commitment. If I had been living with her and then got married, then It would have seemed like a party, but not with a lot of change at the end of the day.

But that was my experience. Go and live out yours. I wish you well.

Answer 4

I think, no matter what you do, there will be people who will criticize you. If you're comfortable living with your s.o. without being married - by all means, do so. People who talk about the "studies" have never read or seen these "studies" - they are repeating someone else's biased opinion. Your best "study" is to rely on your own intuition and experience. Anyone who possesses basic logic skills will realize that even if the "studies" ARE true - if the divorce rate is higher amongst couples who had lived together before marriage - it in no way, shape or form establishes a causal relationship. It doesn't mean that you are more likely to get divorced BECAUSE you live together before marriage; it may just be that people who decide to live together are more open and flexible to begin with, and are more willing to consider divorce as an option.

Being that you can't use logic when arguing with illogical people, you will just have to ignore the nay-sayers, and do what feels right - there's no need for you to explain yourself, just do what works for you.

Answer 5

I disagree with every one who is saying you aren't commited, are a whore, etc. Say you've never lived together and suddenly realize after you get married that it just isn't going to cut it? Why risk a divorce when you can see if its going to work out first? Are you religious? And if so, is that why you're asking this question? I personally see nothing wrong with this.....for example, I used to sleep over my boyfriends house all the time and vice versa. We discovered he snores (LOUD) and I move around (A LOT). Living together would mean we would lack some sleep...when we finally moved in together, we made sure that our home had at least 2 bedrooms in case one of needed to be alone for the nite. There's nothing wrong with living together first before marriage, especially in this day and age. My reasoning is, would you buy a car without taking for a test drive first?

Answer 6

I think people are stuck looking at statictics and numbers and not at the common sense aspect of it.

I feel exactly the way you do, how can you get to know someone and see if you are truely compatible if you have never lived together? I've learned ALOT about my fiance, good and bad! But I love him more for it, and our relationship has evolved dramatically, it just reinstates everything I felt before and makes me 110% certain we will be together forever.

I also heard a lot of 'why buy the cow when you get the milk for free' Well, true! But is you are resonsible you have the conversation of "where is this going" before you decide to move in together. If my fiancee (then boyfriend) was binge drinking, staying up til 3am, didnt have a steady job, had no drive to pursue goals and dreams, did not see marriage in our future, and did not respect our relationship, then of coure I would not move in with him!!

We shared common goals going into this, and what came out of it?? A deep secure meaningful relationship and love that continues to grow, we were dating 1 yr before moving in together, have been living together 10months, and just got engaged to be married next summer.

Do what your heart tells you, make your own decisions and your own mistakes. This may or may not be one...but if it is, atleast you arnt in a legally binding committment before you realize it isnt working!

Best of luck to you! It is so exciting :-)

Answer 7

First of all, if your mom isn't married then you are incorrect to call the guy she's with your "step dad". He's not your step dad, he's your mom's boyfriend.

I don't think that people who live together are less likely to have successful marriages -- I suspect they are less likely to get married. Lots of women post questions here like, "Why won't he marry me? We've been living together five years and have two kids!"

I have no problem with people living together as long as they don't have kids, but marriage provides legal protection for children, and for both the child's parents, in the event of a breakup. Children do best and feel safest in a family in which they can tell that the parents are committed to each other, and marriage is the strongest commitment two people can make.

Answer 8

I think it is good because you never know someone until you live with them. I 'll tell you if more people would try living together there would a lot less divorces. I think when someone says shacking up that is not the same as living together , shacking up is like one night stands are just now and then. Living together is a lot better than getting married having kids and whining because, "My husband doesn't love anymore". If your living together and he starts acting like he doesn't love you anymore than you can hit the road, you don't have to worry about a divorce and all that old good stuff. Your name never has changed and you both are free to start living your life again without all that old messy stuff. Just start stepping right out that door, no strings attached.

Answer 9

I would not call you an unpaid whore but I will tell you I don't believe in living together. Either you want to get married or you don't. Allot of woman today buy the bull of living together to see how things work. This only benefits the guy and there is no commitment on his end. But, you do your laundry your doing his as well, you cook for your self and him, you clean the apartment for yourself and him right but what do you get out of it? Waiting for a ring you most likely wont get. As now he will say it is only a pice of paper we are already living together why do you need it. Wake up if you are the one the guy will want to marry you instead of having a live in housekeeper and sex object. Also you never really know someone until you say I do.

Answer 10

On one side I say don't live together because for some guy they view this as marriage already and are more likely not to actually marry you. But on the other hand I have to say it's better to live with someone before you marry them to figure out if you can live together.

I'm not sure if there has been any studies but I find that people in the 50-60 usually didn't live together until they got married and the majority of those people are still married today.

But today with the 50% chance of every marriage ending in divorce, is it safe to say that living together before marriage isn't working as well. Let's face it the majority of couples do live together before they get married.