Grown ups only please... I'm a married woman of 5 years who is confused right now. I'm in love with another.

Question

I love my husband, my best friend. Sometimes I feel like we are just that...friends. I have suspected in the past that he has been unfaithful, but I have no proof. Last year I had one of those women's intuition moments and I had to ask him, because in my gut I knew already. He got a bit angry and denied everything of course. He's a bit emotionally & physically neglectful of me, so now I'm more worried about my fidelity than his. I have a friend online with whom I have grown to love. He is sweet, family oriented, and seems understanding. He wants to move to my city soon and I'm scared. I have no intention on physically cheating, although I have already done that emotionally. But I am afraid that I will be unable to deny our connection. He claims to love me, and my intuition tells me he does. But I also believe he will never give fully until I am free. I know he has told another woman he loves her too(online) He doesn't know that I know. Whatever his intentions I owe myself some clarity

I have already decided to seek counseling, because this is not the first time I have felt I needed to separate from hubby. He's a good man, but we have some emotional disconnect and I don't know how to fix it. Now I have received attention from other men who have not once made me question if they were a better fit for me than my husband. But this guy did that and I don't know if he's different, or I have changed.

By the way...I have tried to have this conversation with my husband. I told him that I want to be able to tell him if I find myself liking another man. Just as I'd want the same from him. I would rather he tell me before it's too late to repair the damage. He was not feeling the conversation AT ALL. He thought I was looking at our marriage as a pessimist. I thought it was being realistic.

Answer 1

I think you should resolve this situation without considering your "online love"... This decision is one that has eternal consequences - for you and no one else. You intuition... I don't really know what to say about that; except, don't ignore it. Instead, use it wisely as you have already done.

Your current situation...I heard three (3) things that need immediate attention: untrustworthy, emotional & physical neglect.

I would suggest you try whatever is within your power to discuss these concerns with your husband; give him the opportunity to make things right by you. While you are doing this, explain to your "online love" that this is what you are doing and you need some time...Otherwise, you would be hypocritical and I can almost certainly guaruntee you will not have success in your attempts to receive the tender love and affection you desire.

In the end, I think you'll know what you should do.

Answer 2

I think the clarity is there. You just have to take off the blinders. I've been in a simular situation. Take my advice.

The guy online is a fantasy. He can be whomever he wants to be at any given time and he probably also has many many ppl that he chats up and gives the same story to. In fact, you have already mentioned that there is one woman online that he has already professed to love. That is just the one you know of.

I think this online person appeals to you because you are under the impression that he is someone with who you share your thoughts and ideals with and you THINK you have things in common. You said yourself that he "seems understanding" I think the key word here is "SEEMS". Anyone can SEEM anyway they want to online. Your husband however, is bigger than life sitting in your living room and you KNOW how he feels on many levels. I'm certain that he is far from perfect and I'll even agree that he probably has been unfaithful because that is not so uncommon. I also know how it feels to be starved for attention of any kind because your husband lacks the understanding or ability to be attentive and meet your needs. BUT, these are things that you KNOW to be true...what do you really KNOW about the online guy? Nothing but what he tells you and that is not a good enough reason to be unfaithful and sacrafice what you KNOW for what SEEMS to be. I think you have chosen to focus on the online situation because it is easier to focus on the fantasy situation/problem than it is to focus on the real world problems within your marriage. This is a mistake. It is obvious that there is a lack of communication in the marriage. Perhaps you can go to counseling together to work through this. Address your needs. You might find out that there are things your husband needs and ways that he feels neglected. It never is a one sided break in a marriage. Usually both parties have done their fair share of neglecting, taking forgranted, etc. Reexamine this...and have the strength to break off your online affair.

Answer 3

For some reason they feel they should be compensated for their emotional pain. That's the thing about women, lack of attention leads them seeking for it. It's like an instinct to them. If their husband is not giving them what they want they will either try to get it from them or find it in someone else. The last being the final straw.

Put all that emotional BS to the side. You're asking for grown-up answers for a kiddy question. You know yourself better than anyone here. Anyone can fall for a string of words, such as you have. This man you've met online has said " I love you" to another woman. What makes you think that all the things he said were genuine and true? You're letting your emotions and needs get the better of you. You are not satisfied with your husband emotionally and physically. You're wanting attention in both departments aren't you? Don't you think you are letting yourself get played by this stranger online? If you are going to emotionally and physically cheat on your husband wouldn't it be better to do it with someone you can meet at the store or in the gym? For your own safety, think about it carefully. I'm not telling you to not cheat on your husband you have a right to be happy, just don't be as selfish as to ignore his happiness in the process.

You don't need anyones advice in your own affairs. That often clouds your better judgement. Think with your head first, then your heart.

Answer 4

first of all don't you already know that your online friend loves another.why put yourself in another similar situation?

in marriage there are times when both partners must sit down and talk. Trust is the keyword. Fine you say that you suspect that he has cheated but have no proof. Then you should tell him just how you feel. Tell him not in an angry way. Tell him that you have these feelings and its borthering you very much and that you love him very much. Ask him to speak truthfully about his feelings for you. Has the love for you dwindled and died or is there little things that maybe both of you are keeping from one another. maybe tell him about your online friend(just a suggestion to get his attention).

Five years is a lot of time to get to know one another and maybe the romance has dwindled. I suggest try to rekindle the romance . What were some of the things you both did that made you feel love for each other.
these are just some ideas but its best for both of you to visit a marriage counselor for some advise if you really want to save your marriage.

Answer 5

Ok , First off never leave the one you love for the one you like, The one you like will leave you for the one they love. Second this guy is on-line so he's not real. He is text and words. He can't hold you or touch you or kiss you. I know the feel to get caught up in on-line affairs. You connected with him cause your husband is not giving you attention. And everyone needs to be loved. We both have something in common..we tend to believe people on-line when we really don't know them.
Third if you think your husband is cheating on you and you two have grown apart move out and separate from him and then file for divorce...in some places you have to be separated for a year be a divorce can begin.

If you need a friend contact me. we can chat and i'll try to help you.

Answer 6

People who cheat on their partners or think of cheating, always give themselves, what they perceive as a valid reason for it.

If hubby is neglectful, talk to him about it for crying out loud. How come some people get married then stop communicating? I mean, this is the person you are the most intimate with, if you can't turn to him, there is no one else.

Either fix this marriage somehow, or try to have some dignity and file for a divorce.

Also, why don't you bust him wide open over the online thing? You both need help of some sort.

Answer 7

One thing about men on line---they will tell you what you want to hear. These guys are con artists. They get on here, talk to different women, and ask them questions about what they are looking for in a man. And most women give the same responses. So they take notes, and play the field.

If you know your on-line interest has another woman that's in love with him, then he must be leading her on like he is you. And for all you know, he's married.

Counseling may help you to understand what the void is in your life, and may help you to cope with a loveless marriage. But in the end, you have your happiness you have to face, and if you're no longer in love with your husband and have been struggling with this for some time, then maybe you need to get out and move on with your life.

Answer 8

First - the concept of emotional cheating is a crock of sh*t. Another word for someone you are engaging in "emotional cheating" with is a friend. We all have them - male and female. Welcome to the club : )

Second - This online dreamboy of yours is a fantasy and nothing more. My guess is that if you met him in real life (if he is who he actually says he is and not some teenage kid in his basement playing games with your head) you would change your mind because the reality will not live up to the fantasy.

Third - He loves you and another woman (online) but has never met you. Please!

Fourth - You are lonely and horny and your husband is neglecting you. You need to talk to him about this. You are fighting for your marriage here and it will be difficult but investing your emotional energy into some imaginary guy online is not going to solve the problem under your roof or in your bed. Level with your husband - tell him you feel sexually and emotionall neglected. Tell him you think he is cheating and your marriage is in jeapordy. That is the only way it is going change. Otherwise you will just be living in a fantasy while reality continues to suck.

Good Luck : )

Answer 9

My own advice is that you sit down and talk to him openly and honestly. Explain your fears. The fact that you may love someone else is only adding fuel to the fire.... DANGER! Even if you can't prove your husband may have cheated, it's not worth taking the risk that he didn't and you wind up doing it yourself. You'll have to live with the guilt. Explain to him that you've seen his admission of love to his online relation. If he denies it, you've caught him in a lie. If you're going to make the marriage work, it really does take effort from both of you, and you should both work together on things to keep the bond strong. I know the passion may not be the same as it once was, but if you can become reacquainted with each other, maybe there's still a chance to save what you have. If it's worth having at all, it most certainly is worth fighting for. Good luck to you both!

Answer 10

You need to decide first where your marriage is headed. If you think you can and want to hold on to it, then you need to stop this instant, tell your on-line "lover" that it must end now, and that after a day of goodbyes you must never contact each other again. And you must live by that.

If you want to end your marriage, then by all means pursuit your new relationship, but please use the caution you would teach a child about meeting someone on-line. While he may be everything he claims to be, predators are experts at making you think they are something that they are not - and are willing to work long and hard so long as their intended prey is playing along. So, do be careful.

In a nutshell: 1, make sure you know how you feel about ending your marriage; 2, if ending your marriage is what you want, proceed carefully.