Disgusted by pregnancy. Advice?

Question

I find pregnancy repulsive. I've got no desire to feel this way, but can't seem to help it. My wife and I intend to begin having children in a few years and I am concerned that it will be difficult for me.
Perhaps some explanation... I can't help but think of a fetus as a parasite. Ever seen Sigourney Weaver's "Alien" films? The idea of something growing inside my wife, feeding off of her, writhing about, completely freaks me out. The fact that the fetus would be my own spawn has no impact on my aversion. I want children of my own blood. Has anyone ever heard this sort of thing before? How do I deal with it?

I'm not phobic, I'm repulsed.


Also, I have discussed it at length with my wife.

I appreciate everyone's efforts, but I feel as though I should clarify a few things.

I know all about human reproductive and gestational processes.

I've never made any conscious choice to feel this way.

I am well "grown-up."

I am more intelligent than many of you seem to think I am. I am, in fact, in the 98th percentile for general intelligence (which I absolutely hate to mention, but I need to figure this out).

I'm not too keen on "therapy," but have not ruled it out. Alternatives?

It's not so much that I would be disgusted by my pregnant wife, it's the concept.

Anne, I am religious, actually. That was judgmental of you.

The fact that it's natural doesn't help. My wife says all the time, "Nature is gross." We both appreciate nature, of course, but many aspects of it are still pretty gross.
This may be a revelation... anyone know about the Suriname toad? Their reproductive cycle is horribly disgusting. Perhaps I associate them somehow?

Again, thanks very much for all the constructive input. Keep it coming.

Olivia, I am not at all concerned about having strange feelings about the child once s/he's born.

Also, my wife is not pregnant.

Answer 1

I have an irrational aversion to throwing up so I kind of understand what it feels like to be in your shoes. You know that your feelings are irrational, but you can't just switch them off. Maybe try a little exposure therapy; this is where you expose yourself in gradual increments to the thing that upsets you. You could first read descriptions of pregnancy. Once that stops being scary, look at pictures of pregnant women and fetus photography. Then you could work your way to spending time around pregnant women until it no longer feels like a big deal. That is when you would finally be ready for your wife to get pregnant and make you a dad.

Answer 2

Your wife is lucky to have you feel so protective of her.

Will you ask her how she feels about the whole thing?

An embryo, and later a fetus, is not a parasite, period.
It does not feed off of her, it is nourished through her.
She will not lose her own nutrients but rather share them,
and prenatal vitamins help make sure of it.

At the time of birth, the child will not destroy her,
it will fulfill the manifestation of your love.

Your wife, doctor or midwife will be very helpful
in calming your fears, communicate.

This life is created through the two of you,
not plagued upon her.

You are an active participant,
not an outside observer.

Since you seem to have spent some time
with Alien, perhaps you might spend some time
with the numerous videos and books available
explaining and discussing the beauty and wonder
of life development, and what actually does
and what actually does not take place.
They are all free and available at your local library.

I have found that if you truly wish to 'get over' something
then you will, find a place to start from and go from there.

Answer 3

I'm not sure if there is a name for what you are feeling. I do however know that my husband went through the same thing at 1st..... Not so much the parasite/alien thing, but definitely issues with sex while pregnant and the whole freaky there's a baby in there thing. He did not want me to abort or anything but he definitely would have been happy to give the baby to someone else for 9 months to "harvest" and then give it back! I felt it was a deep seeded emotional issue and suggested counseling. Then, at about 7 weeks he came with me for an ultrasound. He saw the baby and heartbeat and that all changed! He started crying! After that everything returned to normal. Sex is a little different now (a lot more cautious on his part), but other then that he rubs my belly all of the time and kisses it ect.
At first his initial reaction really upset me! He was totally freaked out! I spoke with some of my friends that were mom's and to my suprise, this was not an abnormal reaction! The good news is that all of the men that felt this way changed their feelings pretty early on. Also, they fell totally in love with their baby after birth.
Very Best Wishes!

Answer 4

maybe try going to a parenting type class, or rent videos that show that this thing growing inside your wife is not a parasite, but a human being growing, as you did when your mom was pregnant with you. i wish you would change your mind, pregnancy is not repulsive, its a gift, its a part of life and its something to be taken seriously.
i am sure you arent the first to feel this way, but luckily there are things you can do to help.
good luck.

EDIT: I have no doubts that you are intellegent, which is why i think more research on the growth and development of a fetus may help, not only learning, but just watching and trying to figure out why it disgusts you so much, when you should be totally amazed by the whole thing.
i hope you get it taken care of soon.

Answer 5

Before I had a baby, I probably had very similar misgivings. But going through it, I found pregnancy to be one of the most fascinating experiences of my life, and certainly the most amazing thing my body has ever done.

And a big part of that change from "grossed out" to "awed" was self-education.

I read everything I could find about pregnancy. At each appointment, my doctor gave me a hand out that would explain where the baby was as far as development during that week of pregnancy. It's really amazing stuff. Do some research so you can replace that mental alien image with something less terrifying.

And maybe you should watch some different movies. "Look Who's Talking"? No, wait. Don't do that. That might really cause you some mental damage! ;-)

Melanie

Answer 6

A lot of men have a hard time with their wives being pregnant. I can't say that I've heard them describe it as you have but nonetheless everyone is entitled to their own feelings. I would suggest that you start seeing a counsellor as soon as you can so that maybe you can start to work through these issues before you start having children. As a woman who has been pregnant there is nothing more comforting than feeling your husbands hands on your baby-belly to experience the kicks, and tumbles. Your wife will be missing out on a great part of the pregnancy if you can't be there for her. She will also have a hard time with her self image as she grows and changes and the last thing she needs is to have her husband find her disgusting and repulsive. You really need to try and address this situation before it's too late. Good luck.

Answer 7

It is normal for a man to feel disconnected or disgusted or even fearful of pregnancy. We women get the hard stuff that comes with being pregnant, but we also get all the cool stuff too. We get to feel the baby move, we get to bond from day one. You, on the other hand, get to watch us vomit, lose our sex drive, morph into a totally different person with a swollen belly, etc. The good news is this - once it's your own, your feelings WILL change. It may not be during the pregnancy, but when your child is born, all of those feelings of disgust and fear will go away. You will see this precious, new, innocent young life that you took a part in creating. Any man can tell you that seeing your child for the first time is truly a life changing event. I'm sure you'll be fine when it is your time.

Answer 8

Having a baby is very speical and beautiful, you might just not be ready to handle it right now but once you see your baby you'll forget about all your phobias and realize how beautiful it truly can be, so try not to worry that much, a fetus isnt a parasite, its a living thing that will become your child, you were once a fetus too, did you consider yourself a parasite too? Probably not. You shouldnt compare having a baby to an alien growing inside your stomach...that's a little harsh. Anyway good luck with you and your wife conceiving a baby

Answer 9

To be honest, early in my pregnancy, I remember thinking and sometimes referring to the baby as a parasite. By definition, babies are not parasites, but it certainly did feel that way. The only proof to me of the baby in the beginning was the incredibly bad physical feelings that I was having. We had also planned this pregnancy, and I had wanted to be pregnant for sometime so these were not the feelings that I imagined. I remember telling my husband almost daily that I didn't like our baby. Later, I found out that he got perverse pleasure from this as I had bothered him about having a baby for so long.

Later on though, your wife's stomach will begin to grow and you'll be able to feel the baby and even later see her stomach move. As odd as it sounds, you'll probably start to bond a bit with the baby during these times. You'll even begin to love the baby.

I do remember working with a woman, whom I was very fond of when I was young who was pregnant, and she once said that felling the baby move was like an alien too. I remember being amused and at a total loss for words at this, but she is a great mother.

The baby also won't be "feeding off of [your wife]". Your wife's body will choose to implant it, care for it, and grow it. It's not a conscience choice that she makes, but the body does have a process.

I would just try to think of some positive images and feelings for pregnancy. The baby doesn't have any ill will towards you are your wife yet, from what I understand that takes years. The baby is just floating around curious and peaceful in his or her enviroment. Instead of your wife's body being invaded, think of it as a gift that she's decided to give your children by just growing them.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that feeling like this is fairly normal. Just make sure not to antagonize your wife, as it will be her body that will be going through the strange changes. Keep in mind too that when baby time comes, it will be your wife's turn to have all the wackey issues.

Answer 10

You need to get a good book on pregnancy and how the baby is formed...Pics, and all.. You can also find this on the net..Knowing also that you were created that way, as was everyone who ever has been, might help a bit..You are obviously not a big fan of God and His creation.. If you are, and still feel that way, you really need to do some reading to encourage an appreciation for the mechanics of what happens, how things work, etc.. You may need to get very detailed. I get scared everytime I get preggo and start thinking of labor...I have had five kiddos, and all I need to do is read, and reassure myself that I can do it, and that I know how...Takes the fear right away.