he has been calling and talking to phone sex operators. Everytime I catch him we fight about it and he promises he won't do it again. Last time it happened I packed up my things to leave, he got upset and told me it wouldn't happen again. I swore to him if he did it again I would leave for good, no maybe about it. Yesterday I found out that while I was at the doctor last week and he was home with our kids he called again. Last night I told him that we were getting a divorce and he said no. He refuses to talk about the situation. He swears that it has nothing to do with me. I ask him if he isn't attracted to me and he says thats not true. I am devestated by this and I don't know whether I am over-reacting and should just let it go or whether I should take it serious. Please be respectful in your responses, this problem has put me into a state of depression and I am tired of letting it ruin my life. Please help. Any advice would be much appreciated.
2007-05-09 04:23:07 · 33 answers · asked by Jennifer E 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We have sex almost 5 times a week, that is definetly not the problem which is why this is so confusing!!! I would understand if that was the problem, I agree that it is cheating and I have said so to him, I feel that if he will lie about this then what else will he lie about.
2007-05-09 04:29:23 · update #1
Thank you all for your responses, I have no one that I can really talk to this about and you have all really helped me see the reality of this situation. Any more advice would be greatly appreciated!
2007-05-09 05:52:05 · update #2
If you want to stay married (though I can see why you'd want to divorce!), then tell him he is going to get counseling for his obsession ... because that's exactly what it is. If he refuses then tell him he leaves you no choice but to pack your stuff and your kids and file.
He's right -- it has NOTHING to do with you. Its ALL him; he just is addicted to this thrill he gets from "anonymous" sex with strangers over the phone. But how long will it be before he moves on to the real thing?
I urge you to contact your family, or friends, or whomever will help, and start developing an exit strategy. Save as much money as you can, and certainly be on the lookout for a GOOD attorney.
Maybe if he sees you're serious, then he'll get the help he needs. And BTW, just because he said no to divorce does not mean for one moment that you cannot still carry through with YOUR desire for one. He just might not be quite so cooperative; frankly if its your only recourse, then I say go for it.
2007-05-09 04:32:11 · answer #1 · answered by Brutally Honest 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Ask yourself this - if your husband had a drinking problem or a gambling problem would you leave him or try to get him some help? Sex, in any form, can be an addiction. It doesn't have anything to do with your sex life, but his fears and needs. Maybe he has fantasys that he's afraid to share with you, that's common. He isn't cheating in the conventional way(sex w/ someone other than you) he is using the phone ops to get turned on...tell him how you feel and ask him to see a therapist. When you've done all you can do and decide you can't stay with him any longer you'll know you've tried everything. My concern is for the kids...were they there while he was on the phone?! Some sex issues can turn into abuse if the person with the issue is so inclined, beware. I was sexually abused for years right under my mothers nose and by her husband, your kids safety must come into play. Good luck hun. If you ever want to talk email me at sportsnutchick@yahoo.com...
2007-05-09 04:35:50 · answer #2 · answered by sportsnutchick 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Divorce. If all that you explained is true (which I am sure it is if you care enough to write that much about it) Then he sounds like a typical alcohlic. Alcoholics are not good in a relationship because all they care about is tipping that bottle back and feeling that alcohol. They don't care about your feelings, they feel about feeling that alcohol kick in. The typical words of an addict is "Oh I will change" They think they can at the moment they say it and they truly feel it, but their addiction is more powerful than they are, and until they really want to quit for THEM thats when they will really do something about it. In fact, I used to hang around with a guy in high school who is an alcoholic. He has had 2 failed marriages because of his drinking problem, and he can not function without alcohol. I totally agree with his former wives, because there is no way you can live with someone like this. These people are completely into their addiction and could give a crap less about anything else. Obviously this is an addiction because his life is being affected by this and he can't function without the booze, and he can't even care enough to pay his OWN child support. It's time to let go, and as hard as it is, tell him he either quits for life, or you quit HIM for life. Just my take on it, but do what you gotta do.
2016-05-19 00:00:54 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you consider him talking to phone sex operators Cheating? If so - Have you told him this is your thought on this matter? If he continues after you told him you don't want him doing it. Then to me it is cheating. It sounds like you have given him multiple chances to fix the problem and he has gone back to this cheating behavior. I don't think his behavior has anything to do with you.
If you continue to go back to him - He will not take you seriously and will continue to chat with other women. I am really at a loss for an answer for you. Every situation is different and It is easy for someone outside the effects of a solution to give advice as we do not have anything to loose.
If you are sure that you can not live with the situating the way it is. Then leave him. If you can over look this chatting and are sure he is not having physical altercation's with other people. Then stay with him and learn to cope with this activity he has. Remember he is with you - So he must still Love you.
Sorry you are going through this. Wish I could help you more.
Todd
2007-05-09 04:42:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If my husband did that I would consider it cheating. On the other end of the phone is a live woman and it is not his wife.
He should be able to keep a promise to you.
It may be an addiction. I think you need to show him you are serious. If he is serious and you wan't the marriage to work then see if he agrees to go to counseling with you. If he is going to do nothing then he is not serious enough. You cannot let him disrespect you like this. You are worth way more.
I wish you the best
2007-05-09 04:33:12 · answer #5 · answered by Ann 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all .. i want to say that I'm sorry that you are going through this, because you sound like you really wanted to work things out with him and you have given him more then enough chances but it still continues.. i guess he has shown you that he isn't going to stop by continuing to do it.. personally if you want to accept that as being the person he is and love him for it, you can make that choice.. i couldn't. Escecially when he is doing it when the kids are around, it sounds like he has some real issues! As for what you should do.. you have to make that choice, but i would hope that you would want better for yourself. If it was a problem and he loved you, he would get help, but he isn't doing that... and once the trust is gone, what do you have? You are always going to be wondering.. is it worth it?
2007-05-09 05:00:41 · answer #6 · answered by ohsweetamysue 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This relationship is obviously very strong, serious and valuable because it's been going for so long and there are kids and everything. so it's harsh to just leave it all without trying further to resolve the problem. I think this is a mental problem with your husband - an obsession, an addiction - and I think it's something that needs therapy. or something. anything that would fix it because it should be fixed so your relationship can work. I think he needs to be understood more but also needs to realise he has a problem. if he is willing to jeprodize his family just for phone sex, he definetly has a problem and needs help. which you, as his wife, should try to get him.
2007-05-09 04:35:36 · answer #7 · answered by crazy_coconut 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
In all truth go see a counselor together.
Asking the opinions of people here is not wise.
You have no idea if they have been divorce a dozen times or are constant cheaters or are just opinionated.
Everyone handles stress differently. Some people drink and some people other things that make them feel good.
Maybe talking about it will force him to show his weaker side to you. People are often scared that no one would love them if they show how weak they can be.
2007-05-09 05:21:30 · answer #8 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask yourself why you feel you should stay. Your trust is broken, and who knows how long it will be until he goes for the real thing and not just the phone thing. But, if you think you should stay for the kids, then that is a wrong idea because the kids will sense the hostility and grudges and will not respect you in the future. I would say leave, but its about what your heart tells you.
2007-05-09 04:28:23 · answer #9 · answered by AngelPrincess 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say this is a problem..I would be the same way that you are...I would definately consider leaving...what he is doing is very disrespectful to you and hisself...it is disgusting and not to mention, expensive...if he doesn't stop and soon, I would leave and take the kids!! Good luck to you...it sounds like he has an addiction and needs some professional help..
2007-05-09 04:32:07 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋