Tips on saving my marriage please.?

Question

I posted a question the other day about my husband. Later that night I went into the study and he was looking for jobs in another country. We talked... he said he was sick of me, no-one wanted him anyway, he may as well go. I told him I married him with the intention of being together forever and working through problems but if he was serious, I would leave. The next morning he said to stay, but frankly three days later it's still horrible around here.
He won't change so I am going to have to. There are things that always come up in our fights. 1. Kids 2. he thinks I control him and have cut him off from his friends. He says he doesn't want to be bossed around. He brings up times when I've checked his phone and email as though I was still doing it (he was hiding things) and criticise his friends (when I have it was valid and not for ages). I'm tired and depressed. Our social life changed when I stopped drinking as I hate being in bars & that gets used against me . Where do I start?

Btw he's already on medication for depression, has been for the 6 years we've been together.

Answer 1

My opinion? Ride this out for the moment and let everyones head cool off...

Counceling works if you can get him to go.. but most time men don't like to sit down and talk about the problems, they would rather just leave the situation in their home believing only the people involved are able to find the answers.....

SO -- do your homework... read some books, think about going to counceling JUST FOR YOU even if he doesn't want to go... because the last place you want to end up is feeling empty, lonely and desperate in your own life.

Looking for a completely different job/lifestyle means he's freaked out and desperate for a change.. a big change.. and he's dreaming of it coming soon... he may even be planning for it to happen... so remind him gently that you are part of his life that doesn't just give up on your life together. If you are serious about sticking it out... don't offer to leave.

Three days later is NOT enough "getting over the bump in time" for anyone, sometimes it'll take a week or two to get back to normal, and sometimes normal never returns, but the way you view your relationship can be a positive and encouraging way.

Kids?... Hmm.. thats a toughy... what is there to argue about? they are kids, they are little monkeys that will throw your world into a frenzie at any moment without warning... didn't he know that before having them?...But seriously, if you're having parenting differences, write them down, find a common ground and make a solid fluid RULE on what is the rules of the house before the children catch on that there are different sides and turn on you both and take over.... (It is entirely possible to be owned by a 4 yr old who knows how to be a player!) Get the rules solid and stand BEHIND each other reinforcing them!! If either of you show weakness, the war is lost!

Let him have his friend time, for goodness sakes... let that time happen... and then take "you time" in equal amount for your hobbies without the kiddies underfoot... fair is fair, let him "do his thing without judgement, and then you do your thing without judgement"... find a peaceful ground to make this work... and unless his friends are posing a threat to your children and marriage, let him have them... you don't have to like them, you don't have to hang out with them, and they don't have to come to your home... but as long as he's happy... you'll be happier. And you'll have reinforced his ability in choices, even if they aren't YOUR choices... and you are Free to make your own choices in what you want to do in your "you time" while he approves and encourages with the kids.

Answer 2

Sounds like he has some growing up to do! Please call a marriage counselor. Whether he decides to go or not, it will beneficial to you either way. You are just going to stay depressed and this circle of behavior is going to continue between the two of you if you don't get some professional help. So, where you start is getting the two of you to commit to weekly counseling and start calling around. No insurance? A lot of them offer sliding scale fees if money is an issue. Good Luck!

Answer 3

My dear I can tell how much you love him by your words. This guy doesn't know a good thing when he sees it. Too soon old, too late smart. I hope he comes to his senses before he has hurt you too much and chased you away. Some day it will hit him just what he's lost. Keep doing what you're doing, try to get marriage counseling or go by yourself as the other poster advised. So many unworthy people out there and this blind man wants to chase off someone who is obviously truly devoted to him. Best of everything to you.

Answer 4

You don't start.....
You should STOP.. doing what ever you have done....
There is some ill feelings from the past,couple with stresses that your husband that may be going through...
Give him some support, look at the situation in a positive way and not to criticise but to encourage. Give him space if he needs to be friends even though you may not like it.. have faith and tolerance with him..be patience and take care of the kids and home well...
When he feels that coming back hom is comfortable.. he will be back to you again with body and soul...
So STOP being CRITICAL of what he is doing or saying...

take care..

Answer 5

Katie, I really do feel for you. I recommend seeing a licensed Christian marriage therapist. There is a web site for reputable ones on the internet. I don't remember where I saw that at.

Answer 6

I've picked up on something. You don't drink anymore. You're not that carefree, who-the-heck-cares fun loving person anymore. He needed that old you to help him escape his own shortcomings, but she is not there any more... and she 's not coming back. She is now responsible adult, and so he finds ways to blame you. He needs help. If he won't get it, pack those bags. You have kids to think of. This is no way to continue in a marriage.

Answer 7

I wish I could say from what info you give that you have a chance but frankly I can't. I can't honestly take one side or the other from what you have written....not enough info again. But it doesn't sound like the two of you have what it takes to maintain a serious commitment. I am sorry for your situation but it seems you won't make it.

Answer 8

First of all I want to share a lil bit of my experiences. I have been married twice and going through my second D vorce. I really don't want that for anyone. I was the one that was controlled and unfortunately my issues grew and escalated to physical ( on her side, I wouldn't touch a female that way). I too have children, I have 100% custody on 2 from my 1st marriage and 1 , which i'm gonna have to fight for, from my second marriage.
I learned that a controlling person is driven by insecurity. Insecurity based on previous experiences such as; your mate cheating on you, your self esteem and previous experiences with family or friends.
My first D vorce ended due to her infidelity which awakened insecurity in me, yet in my second divorce she began to control me. She became very insecure, there were times that we would go out and she got mad at me for other females looking towards my direction. That little by little began to take a toll on us since we would end up in an arguments and after so many arguments we ended up throwing respect out the window. Remember if there is no respect then the fights just get worse.
Here's what I suggest, look back at the time where you fell in love with him. How was your image of him at that time? what pleased you about him? what did you disliked yet accepted? remember that when you married him you had him up in a pedestal, don't take him off of there! (if you still love him)
Go back in time and see where you two went wrong, when did it begin? Are you willing to sacrifice? What would you sacrifice for yourself? Don't put the kids in between! Don't think about your kids when making these decisions. As hard as that may sound and I'm sure that your going "HUH????" but you can't reconstruct your foundation on your kids! yes they are the most important CREATURES in your life (they are in mine) but your marriage is between you and him and your kids can only reap the benefits of what you two work out. And if you still don't work anything out you will still see that your kids will have what they did in THEIR beginning! you and him! MOM and DAD!
The best advise I can honestly give you is to let go of the wrongs in your life and try to do what's right! I will not preach to you but the one that has ALWAYS led me through my troubles is GOD!
In private, bend your knees, and ask from deep in your heart, for forgiveness and instruction on what you should do! No one in this world will give you the answer you need, they will only tell you their opinion and from that you will hear what you want to hear!
Take it from a guy that has and is going through so much yet I am in peace and happy that since I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I know that my kids and I will be OK! for I have put them in God's hands.......
Best luck to you and your marriage! I will keep your in my prayers...............
Regardless of what takes place, you have choices! Make sure you make the right choice, for it is easier to make a hard choice than to live with the consequences of a mistake!!!!!

God Bless you!!!!!!!

Answer 9

I am sorry about your problem and I hope that your Family life gets better. I think your husband could be depressed and needs some medication. You should go with him to the doctor. Good Luck!

Men get depressed but wont admit it.

Answer 10

I'm in your same spot,,My wife of 7yrs told me a few days ago that she was done with me. Alot of different circumstances have gotten us here,,I'm also desperate because I love her,,But ultimately, the decision is hers. I can't force her to stay. That brakes my heart, but I guess sometimes in life things don't end up the way we wanted them too. I will pray for you.