Do I give-in to my 21 year old daughters ultimatum of not bringing my girlfriend to her awards banquet?

Question

I raised my 3 kids in my home 95% of the time and paid 100% of their bills since 1992. Their mother had "problems".I am divorced, didn't date for 14 years to provide stability for my kids.
My Kids are in college now and high achievers...I have since found the love of my life....in serious relationship for 2 years.....Possible marriage. GF has been involved at the family holidays our last 2 years. She is the kindest person in the world. Though my daughter says she is happy for me and likes GF ,she (daughter) wont allow my new love at any function were my ex is at. Says if I don't come I choose my girlfriend over her. I told her this was wrong to exclude someone and if it was a problem for her or her mother I would sit elsewhere at the banquet,,,,,but I could not ask someone who has taken care of me when I was ill and become a part of my life to stay away. It isnt right and I won't come under those conditions even though I love my daughter very much & have raised her mainly by myself.

Ex was promiscous, alcoholic & stole all our money and left us with a huge debt... OK?? She has not supported them with one dime in 14 years. Sorry it sounded like I was bragging about paying their bills. I raised the kids with Grandmothers help while mom was MIA.. Worked all day drove them to events after school, did HWork,cleaned some and worked at night for 14 years....OK?? Payed off all ex's debts because she put loans in my name. DIdn't believe in bankrupcy
Never kept kids from seeing ex when it was possible and safe and she was wanting to see them.
I sacrificed it all. Everything. Took out loans after credit came around to get them their opportunity for college, sports etc
Ex said she was ok with GF.They have met once at sons event. Now it is being blown into a large deal, This happened 10 days ago, and 4 months ago and now again.It has to stop. My GF attends all my kids events. My ex doesnt attend hardly any.GF isn't pushing. Marriage is waiting for comfort level by all

Thanks everyone. I accidently entered the question in UK, Ireland and got overwhelming response to not go or the behavior will not stop as this is an ongoing problem. Here was 60-40 in favor of doing whatever my daughter asked simply because she was my daughter. That has never flied for me as I am a little on the hard side. I have had to practice tough love on occasion. It has always worked but always hurt. I didn't go and I'm here at work instead feeling pretty crappy but knowing all the facts and what precipitated this event I feel I've done the right thing. I had already asked my daughter to seek counseling with me on this issue. She won't...says all the cliche' things about not needing to deal with this now, etc while my GF is helping find her a new computer sending her gift certificate's, etc.
But I really appreciate all your input and sorry I didn't give out more info which might have changed some of your viewpoints.

Answer 1

She is 21, an adult. Now she is being selfish and that is her choice. I am sorry that she is doing this, but you need to go live your life for yourself now. She needs to grow up and realize that you are not her puppet of a parent. I think it is horrible of her to not accept that you need companionship too.

If her mother is encouraging her to be this way, then shame on her.

Has she indicated to you that she would be more accepting if you actually married this woman? If she has said that marriage would make her more comfortable, then I suppose you could hold off having your GF attend functions of this nature for the time being, but I still think your daughter is the one being selfish here.
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Well, after your ADDITIONAL DETAILS: I stand firm on my original assessment. I am sorry that it sounds like you might miss out on this event. I wouldn't bring my GF in spite, but I also would choose not to attend. I think your daughter is only thinking about herself.

The fact of the matter is, YOUR DAUGHTER WOULD NOT HAVE THIS SUCCESS IF YOU HADN'T PAID TO PUT HER THROUGH COLLEGE AND RAISE HER FOR SUCCESS! (I capitalized that because I can't italicize it. I'm not "yelling.")

This event is BOTH OF YOURS and I think she is being really immature by not recognizing that you too deserve some sort of recognition for her success right now.

How many times have we heard children "Thanking their parents" for their successes in life? Plenty! So, as some would suggest here that this event is all about "her," I beg to differ. This award is about all the people who have helped her to succeed.

Answer 2

She is your daughter. Go to the banquet out of love for her. Ask your GF to understand that it is not her that is the problem, your daughter just isn't ready yet, and you are sure she will come around. Never turn on your daughter for anyone. What if your daughter died afterwards for some reason, GOD FORBID. Would you regret not going? Are you just being stubborn and selfish? I'm sure your GF is a wonderful person. If she truly is, she will understand and give your daughter the time she needs to adjust and not be bitter about it. Better yet, your GF could send your daughter a card in the mail sending her nice wishes and congratulations and be a good sport about it. You as her father should try to be understanding and patient. Remember, a soft answer turns away wrath. By not going could send messages to your daughter that you do not value her enough and cause her to resent your GF, resulting in future problems you don't want. Just go and give her the love and support she needs for this special time in her life. If she is wrong, she will come around later and apologize--but you won't be the one fingers are pointing at. Just give her time and have a good time at the banquet. You'll be glad you did!

(BTW, if you GF makes a stink of it, I'd question if she is really right for you and your family.)

Answer 3

Your daughter is misguided by her love for her Mother, she is old enough to realize this special lady in your life has the right to be with you. You and her Mother have long divorced and moved on with life. I would explain once more to my daughter how much I loved her and would be greatly hurt not being able to attend, but if she keeps acting like a child then I would have to stay away. I'm sure some of this may be your ex talking as well. It would not be right for the woman who is with you now to ask her not to go. I hope your daughter will see what she is doing to you and change her mind.

Answer 4

Kids often have a secret desire that their parents will get back together again. Even after years and years of separation. Sounds like your daughter has this desire. She wants your mom to come AND she wants you to come but she does not want anyone who could possibly get between them to come.

(Find out if she hit her mother with the same ultimatum. If yes, then you got a pretty good indication of what is going on.)

As the father, it is traditional for you to walk her down the isle and give her away. If you do not attend, your absence will be very much noticed and she will have a lot of explaining to do. I would hit her with an ultimatum back, your girl friend could very will become your wife and you will not have her insulted by your family. If she is not allowed to come as your date, YOU are not going to come and your daughter can figure out how to give herself away.

Answer 5

Your daughters should ALWAYS come before your g/f. My parents are divorced and when I was planning my wedding I had the uncomfortable decision of having to invite my mother and my father and do I tell him to leave his wife at home so my mom wasn't made uncomfortable or do I invite her. Either way someone was going to be upset or offended. It's not an easy decision, but I told my mom I want dad there and you're going to have to get over seeing his wife there.

They are only thinking of their mom and they definitely want her there and if she's given them the ultimatum it's her or your g/f then they are going to chose her over your g/f every time no matter how much they like your g/f. Don't make your daughters choose and don't put them in the middle like that it's not fair to them, you might not realize what you're doing but you're making them choose.

Talk to your g/f I'm sure she'll understand, but don't give your daughters an ultimatum.

I'm a daughter of divorced parents and I hate being put in those type of situations by my parents, it's wrong and it hurts and I resent being put there. So will your daughters. Respect their wishes.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I would like your daughter to read this:

My parents divorced after 32 years of marriage. We have many events to all attend to together (weddings, graduations, grandchildren activities, etc.).

Don't let your parents issues be yours. Invite them both and let them decide whether to attend. They will each have to deal with situation themselves. And if they choose not to come, they'll be missing out on a whole lot. Your mother is a big girl, she doesn't need you to protect her.

I was not about to have separate events (Christmas, etc.) because of their mistake!!!

Dad, I would go anyway and bring your GF. Don't tell her your coming. Sit in the back of the banquet quietly, and give her a big kiss and hug as you leave!!! She'll see that you all survived, and it wasn't a big deal.

Answer 7

You said your ex had "problems". Maybe your daughter is afraid that something would happen if her mother saw you there with your new girlfriend. This is her event, just go alone and support her.

Also, you probably want to talk you your ex about your new situation, because if you are going to marry this woman, you all will have to learn to get along.

Answer 8

I understand your frustration, but the things you mentioned that you did for your kids (in your home, paid their bills) is what you're SUPPOSED to do as a parent. Those weren't "above and beyond" sort of things. I do admire your decision to not date while they were younger -- I wish more parents would do that.

However, your daughter may just be trying to avoid a scene. You say her mom has "problems"... perhaps your daughter just wants a drama-free event.

If otherwise your daughter is good to your GF, then allow her this one indulgence. And if your GF is as wonderful as you say she is, she'll understand. Perhaps you and the GF can take your daughter out for dinner to celebrate whatever the awards banquet is about.

Good luck, and congrats on raising three good kids.

Answer 9

Maybe you should talk to your ex and make sure that she won't flip out if you bring your gf around. You have been separated for many years now and she has to get over it. It's not good for the kids if there is a grudge between you two. And your daughter shouldn't put you in that position.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like your child is being selfish and unfair. People get divorced. They have to be civil with each other. There will always be functions that require both divorced parents to attend. That is a fact. (I.E. wedding, child birth, other accomplishments)
It sounds like you have "paid your dues" being a father. I believe your daughter is forcing you to choose between her and new found love. If daughter tells you not to attend with GF then don't. You sometimes in life have to do what is right for you and stand up to children.
It really sounds to me like the ex-wife is the one with the problem............who cares! If your daughter is cool with new GF at other times, you need to stand up for you, and practice some tough love and attend with new GF.

Answer 11

Your daughter is no child, and unless you want to miss it over someone who is only, for the time being, your girlfriend, then miss out. It is her moment to shine, and if she only wants her mother and father there then you should honor her wishes. Your girlfriend may have nursed you back to health, but that is your life. We are speaking about your daughters life.
It does not sound like your daughter is being spiteful, and you said she likes your lady friend. So, you have an option of arranging a get together after the party, in honor of your daughter, include your lady in that. That way the celebrating can continue and you can share it with your girls.