Should i still want this marriage?

Question

My husband went to bed the friday before christmas happily married and woke up saturday thinking he didn't want to be married to me any more. Since then has moved out and told me he fell out of love with me and in love with another married woman. To top it off a married women that will not leave her husband and he swears they are not sleeping with each other. He wants me to not give up on him and says that he has not loved me in two years. I was stunned to say the least we have been married 9 years and together since highschool almost 16 years total. I don't know what to do, he wants to separate and he wants to be best friends and talk everyday and we have two children as well. I cry everyday because i miss him so much. It is so frustrating because i am a very strong person and know i can take care of my children & be okay, but the thought of not being married and having my best friend is killing me. Should i fight to save our marriage when it was so easy for him to walk away?

Answer 1

if he says he hasn't, hes probally not telling the truth. something happened to change his mind rather quickly.

Answer 2

Since he's already moved out, you and your husband are already separated. I wouldn't therefore be receptive to these daily friend-fests. In fact, I would only entertain as much conversation with this man as necessary. I wouldn't deny him visitation with his children, but I wouldn't be a part of these visits either. Use this time to go shopping, or to the beauty shop. Don't sit around and play his happy family game, after he's been so dishonest.

SInce he has admitted being in love with another woman, he has committed adultery in the eyes of the law. The we're-not-sleeping-together crap won't fly and I wouldn't believe that garbage. No doubt, he's trying to avoid being gutted in court, by making everything seem so innocent. Don't waste your tears on him. He's a con man who is being very selfish and quite cruel, and you don't deserve such treatment.

As you say, you're a strong woman, so get over your frustration and contact an attorney. Just as Mr. Slick has kept the truth from you, don't tell him what you doing either. Just do it, for your own protection. If nothing else, you need to know what your options are. Try to find out who this other woman is and have that information ready for the attorney.

It's awful strange that your husband has made himself available by moving out, yet these two people aren't having sex and the woman will not leave her husband. Isn't that strange?

Answer 3

Wow. I am so sorry. I can't imagine being in your shoes. He sounds confused, and to top it off, I believe that he is not being completly honest with you. He is also acting very selfish...he is a husband and a father. I know that I don't know either of you, but please realize your self worth. I know you love him, and you just suffered the shock of your life. Sometimes people (men) don't know what they have until it is gone. Let him know you love him and miss him and you want him to come home...WITH COUNCILING. However, STOP being his best friend...temporarily. Stop telling him about your day, your worries, etc. Be secretive. Flirt with him. And most importantly, hope that this reminds him of what he is so easily walking away from. You DO NOT get to be "best friends" with an ex. He wants what he wants. What is important is that YOU don't want this.

Please keep this in mind, because it is clear to me and probably most people who read this: This DID NOT happen "overnight." He had been feeling this way for a while and hiding his true feelings. That is not fair to you or your kids. He was NOT "happily" married, even if the two of you never fought or disagreed. He had needs that you couldn't meet (but you were never given a fair shot to try b/c he hid his needs from you). Try talking to a therapist alone. Once every two weeks. She/he will remind you how strong you really are.

Answer 4

go o doctor phil, not a joke. But also, I think he has moved on inside and still wants the benifit of the friendship a marriage brings. But I got to tell you, you cannot give everyone all of the benifits that you have to offer. You must save some for yourself in order to keep yourself strong. I'm sorry you guys have children involved because they are going to be having similar and different emotions than the ones you guys are having. The truth is, it would be great if you could stay friends and be best buds for the kids without feeling sad and emotional. But that isn't going to happen anytime soon. It takes a long time to cope a lost, and that is what you have. Professional or religious help is your best bet. Or maybe family, but, you need someone to speak with everyday face to face about this. Someone that can help you cope and be strong for your children. Because, whether you know it or not, your sadness affects your children inwardly and they may not let you know it. This situtuation whether you guys get back together or not, will change your lives for ever. You need to remember the children first and what is best for them. Then what is best for you. You may want to think what is best for your husband, but he has already made his choice by telling you he is in love wtih someone else. So you need to focus on keeping a cool head and calm family for you and your kids. Much love.
~J
Please talk to someone that is schooled for this. Good luck.

Answer 5

WOW!! I am SO SORRY to hear about what you are going through!! I simply can NOT imagine the devestation you are feeling!!

FIGHT for him (if you in fact DO think he is worth it) but DONT let him treat you as a doormat. DONT let him think that he can simply come and go as he pleases "toying" w/ your love and emotions!! You CANNOT live that way forever!! It will DESTROY your heart!!

What I would suggest is getting into marriage counceling! IF he respects and loves you enough then he WILL be willing to at least TRY!! If he doesnt even want to TRY then say goodbye to him (even though it will hurt like hell) because he just isnt invested enough to save the marriage!!

Maybe he is depressed or going through some sort of "mid-life crises" although that is NOT an excuse to treat you the way he is!! But you say that you have been together since high school!! Maybe he is simply wondering what else is "out there!" When he realizes that YOU are the best thing that ever happened to him... he WILL come running back!! The question is... will YOU still be there to take him back!?

Like I said, marriage counceling is something you should DEFINATELY do... and also give him a time frame to work with! Tell him that you canNOT keep going on like this indefinately and that he needs to SERIOUSLY THINK about what it is that he wants and make up his mind once and for all!! Your home and your HEART are not "revolving doors" and he needs to realize how much he is really hurting you all because he just "isnt sure!"

Also.. ask him if he is THAT MISERABLE that he is willing to throw away not only his marriage but his FAMILY!! After all the two of you DO have children and he needs to stop being so damn SELFISH and realize that what he is doing ALSO affects your children!! (Since you have only been married for 9 years I am assuming that your children are still somewhat young). As a mother you also need to PROTECT their HEARTS!! Seeing their father treating you like that and daddy not being at home anymore is VERY detrimental to a young child and they have NO WAY of possibly understanding or grasping the situation! All they know is what they FEEL!! And believe me they FEEL your hurt... they FEEL your pain.... they FEEL what their daddy is doing to their mommy!! At some point you are going to HAVE to say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!" Either he stays or he goes.. FOR GOOD!

Definately concider giving him a time frame to make up his mind though (like 3 months or so) because you DONT deserve to be in LIMBO like this!! He should love, respect and care for you AND his kids enough to make up his mind!!!

Just stay strong, believe in YOURSELF and keep reminding yourself that you DESERVE to be loved the way that YOU love and you DESERVE to be treated the way YOU treat others... YOU DESERVE BETTER!! And if HE cant give you that... then I am SURE that you can find someone who CAN!!

God Bless!!

Answer 6

I can hear the pain in your question. Your love has turned into a one-way street. Your husband seems to have the power to keep you hanging while he continues to pursue this other relationship. But you have given him that power. He also says he has never slept with this other woman. I would be very skeptical of that. Life is too short. It may be a little scary to think about right now but you are going to have to ask yourself how long you are going to wait for him to make up his mind? I am wishing the best for you. I hope you can move on soon.

Answer 7

It's going to take you some time, but you should not take him back. When he first started falling out of love with you, he should have communicated with you to let you know what was going on with him and the way he was feeling about your marriage. Now he tells you that he is in love with another married woman but he doesn't want you to give up on him. The only reason he doesn't want you to give up on him is because the other woman doesn't want to end her marriage. Now if she was willing to leave her husband too, then he wouldn't want you around. There is no use to try to hold on to someone that doesn't love you back...you will just hurt more if you hold on any longer. Be strong for your kids and focus on your happiness and your kids happiness because they won't be happy if there mother isn't. If you choose to stay with him to work it out, you will just be hurting forever. Not to say that isn't possible for you guys to make it work.....that will only work if you guys feel the same way!!!Good luck with your future.

Answer 8

From experience- You two should definately separate!!! Why in the world do you want to be with someone who ADMITS to your face that he does not love you. The best friend idea is an extremely good idea. My ex and I split and still talk to this day and it makes it sooo much easier to get along. I don't feel so lonely, because if I start to miss him, I pick up the phone and we just chat. Everyone says ex's never stay friends, but I disagree 100%. Plus..we get along sooo much better now that there are no strings attached. We are in fact, best friends.

Answer 9

He stopped being your best friend the moment he began all of this drama. Be the strong and confident women you know you are and move on! Although it is very difficult to understand (and you probably never will), there is nothing you can do to change how he feels. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and won't just walk out on you and your family! Just move on and someday you'll find your true best friend.

Answer 10

why would you want someone that can easily walk away from you.. I was married for 10 years, he left me for another women. I fought for him and he came home... 3 years later the same thing and then again at 9 years... trust me if its so easy to walk away once it will be everytime there is a problem.. I met the love of my life and remarried.. Everything happens for a reason. you need to move on to someone that is holding on to you not you pulling them back.

Answer 11

It sounds like your husband wants to see whether or not this other woman is going to give up her husband for him, then he's going to have you waiting in the wings just in case she doesnt. Realize something, he sees you now as his best friend, not as his mate. My suggestion, is to tell him it's really hard on you and while it may be possible to remain friends if you do in fact break up, you will need some time and space to determine what's right for you. Trust me, he will either come to his senses, or you'll realize how much of a dog he is.