Should I stay or leave?

Question

My wife has confessed to me that she carried on a heavy flirtation for a week. It involved suggestive talk, touching, but when the man asked for a meeting she called it off. When she first told me, I quickly forgave her for what sounded like a close call, but she continues to confess more details to me. She had an affair six years ago, and it took me about three years to get it out of my mind. I just don't know where to go on this anymore.

Answer 1

Thats a hard situation to be in and ANYONE who is NOT MARRIED has NO IDEA what they are talking about!! We get married because we COMPLETELY LOVE the other person DESPITE thier flaws and misgivings!

You really need to ask yourself if you still LOVE her enough to stay and if the problem is ONLY her affair or if there is some other reason (perhaps WHY she feels the need to cheat) and really concider some marriage counceling!! She SHOULD be willing to go especially since it was HER who cheated and she should love you enough and respect you enough to understand that what she did is going to take a LOT of work of BOTH your parts to completely resolve it!

Even then.. its NEVER going to be completely GONE from your mind!! Your relationship will FOREVER be altered simply because you can no longer trust her 100%! But with time, patience and A LOT of love you CAN survive it!!

Talk to some older folks that you know that have been married for 30 or 40 years! MOST of them will have had to deal with cheating at some point in their marriage and simply DECIDED that their LOVE was enough to pull through and now see it as simply a "rocky" time in their relationship!!

I used to think that if my husband EVER cheated on me I would be gone in a SECOND!! But now... well Im not so sure!! Neither of us have EVER cheated... but if we did... well I would like to think that we could SOMEHOW get through it!! I would hate to throw away a love and a marriage of YEARS simply because of a weak time and a HUGE mistake!

Think about what you and your wife were dealing with at the time that she had her affair! Had you recently had kids? Were you working a lot? Was the relationship "strained" at all at the time?? There HAD to be some extenuating circumstances that LED to the affair! It may not have been ANYTHING that YOU did.. but simply that she felt alone, unattractive or depressed and chose to go about it in the WORST way!! Sometimes (to both men AND women) it just feels GOOD to know that you still "have it" and the other sex still finds you attractive! It still doesnt EXCUSE the fact that she had an affair but MAYBE you can at least TRY and see it from her side (whether you AGREE w/ her or not). Its ALWAYS a good idea to at least put yourself in THIER shoes and simply TRY and understand what could possibly have caused this to happen!! Thats why marriage counceling is a good idea, b/c it will help BOTH of you try and figure out what led to the affair and help you both learn to forgive and make sure that it doesnt happen again!!

Also... realize that your wife didnt HAVE to come clean about her affair! She CHOSE to b/c she loved you enough to be honest and hoped that your relationship was strong enough to weather the storm! And even though she had an affair 6 yrs ago.. you said that it took you 3 yrs to get "over" it. That makes me think that you DID in fact "get over it" and forgave her. That means that you SHOULD now SEE that even though it was a "close call" recently... she DIDNT make the same mistake again!! AND she told you about it... because she WANTS your trust and to know that she loved you ENOUGH to NOT follow through and repeat what she did 6 yrs ago!! If you DID forgive her 6 yrs ago.. then you need to leave THAT affair in the past where it belongs!! It has NOTHING to do w/ this recent "flirtation" and you said that the flirtation didnt go any further! But bringing up the past and her past mistakes is just asking for trouble!

You can NOT expect her to CONTINUE to pay for her mistake 6 yrs ago! If you forgave her then you FORGAVE her and you need to NEVER bring it up again!! If you keep bringing it up and making her feel bad about what she did (believe me she probably feels bad enough and beats HERSELF up about it more then you can ever know) then its only going to hurt your relationship w/ her NOW! Believe her... trust in her... and have FAITH in your marriage!! That is part of "Til death to us part!"

I know that its hard (I watched my mother go through it TWICE w/ both her ex husbands including my father) but if you DO LOVE her and you think that the marriage is WORTH fighting for... then FIGHT!! Not only will you be happy that you did but SHE will realize that you love her more then she ever knew!! I've even known marriages that have grown STRONGER after something like this.. because they both realized how MUCH they loved one another!!

Good luck and I really hope you give it some SERIOUS thought before simply giving up!!

Answer 2

Try and work things out with your wife.

Obviously the affairs that she has had in the past is relating to some issues that your wife has. If she's willing to get professional counseling to get to the root of the problem, your marriage may survive.

I know that this is a rough blow to you and to deal with it a second time, has thrown up red flags in the marriage for you.

Do you know why your wife cheated six years ago? Do you know why she flirted with another man? These are issues within her that you need to find out about before something worse happens.

Answer 3

It's a good thing that your wife 'confesses', but she is still placing a hardship upon your marriage. Your marriage is in trouble. If your wife truly cared about you, if she made one error - and was forgiven, she would not place you in that position again. I think you need to sit down and have talk about her true feelings about you and about the marriage. If not - both of you need to seek outside counseling. I would not trust her because she continues to do the same thing. This is much too close for comfort.

Answer 4

Well first let me congratulate you for being a big man and forgiving her for the affair six years ago. Now you should not rely on what others think you should do when it comes to your marriage but my suggestion is to just leave because you can get knocked up, and/or diseased from flirting. Let me run it down for you, she flirts, has a meeting, has a date, kisses, sexes, he has no condom, she's pregnant or diseased not your fault, you are diseased and the daddy of a bastard child that your wife made because she chose to be unfaithful. She cheated once and she did it again because she is subtly telling you new details. tell you what write down everything she tells you ask a bunch of questions I mean a bunch. Then in like a month ask one of the questions just to see if you get the same answer if not LEAVE. But honestly I believe that if you are blogging you are genuinely hurt that is just me but you are really reaching out and that seems to be the only solution. I hope everything works out for you

Answer 5

Wow, "April" was deep with what she said. I have been through this before, Look deep into yourself & address your fears. Now tell yourself. Anyone who doesn't value your sense of trust, and your sense of person doesn't deserve your respect either. She has demonstrated that she is weak and is not 100% dedicated to the marriage. When people are 100% dedicated and committed, they don't cheat, lie, steal, betray, depend on, control or do anything that doesn't better themselves and the other person. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve to be with someone who only wants you and can make that committment. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck, and just hope that you come to realize that everything that glitters ain't gold! First time shame on her, Second time shame on you!!! Follow your heart!!

Answer 6

Ultimately the decision is up to you.

If you truly want things to work, seek marriage counseling. Then if it does work, try to suggest to her to seek individual counseling so that she can find out why she did this a second time. You need to also go to individual counseling so that you can heal from this. If you do not stay together, before you go into your next relationship, you need to heal from this. Otherwise, you will be taking your hurt and frustration into another relationship.

Again, I am not telling you what to do, just helpful advice.

I wish you the best, I went through the same thing and I came out alright, you can too. :]

Stay strong and positive, even though it is hard.

Answer 7

Well, I would definitely go to marriage councelling and figure out why she's having that need to fulfill by flirtatous behavior and what you can do to put a stop to it. If it is at the end, you will find out that too. It's not healthy in marriage to keep doing this.

Answer 8

A relationship is about [trust]. If this is lacking your relationship is going down the drain sonner or later. Its better that your wife is disclosing all this to you instead of keepin it to herself. What is needed now is a strategy on how to deal with her confessions.

The first step is to establish why is she makin all these confessions? Does she make them because she trusts and loves you? or does she make them to hurt you? e.t.c.

Having established her motive you would be in a better possition to make an informed decision whether to stay or leave.

Answer 9

Depends.....
Do you love her? Truely?

Do you think of her first thing when you wake and last thing before you sleep?

Unfortunatly none of us (the Answers community) can answer this one for you. You alone know all of the details and what your heart is guiding you to do.

That said, from my point of view, if you suspect she will cheat again the don't stick around to find out. If you don't trust her, then don't allow her in to a situation where you are vunerable to her actions anymore. She can only hurt you as much as you let her.

Best of luck I am so sorry you are going through this,

Answer 10

She doesn't too much care for you, does she?

Hon, I don't answer many of these, but your marriage is in the toilet... I'll make it real for you....

If marriage is respect, admiration, passion and trust, the trust is gone, you, of course, have no respect nor admiration for her, and she shares the passion with others.. this is a marriage??? uh, no.... You LOVE her? NO. you love the convenience of her being around, you LOVE what you wish she were, or what your image is of her, and hon, them things ain't even close..... she's keeping you as the "jerk in reserve". Betrayl is the real deal buster in a marriage, and she betrayed you, and is doing it again... and no one can be a door mat unless they just lay there and take it, and you, hon, are laying there and taking it.

Life it toooo short, and a relationship with a caring, loving partner is just tooooo wonderful to stay in a crappy marriage, when you don't have to. There are lots of women out there who would love to be your faithful partner....