Do all husbands like hurting their wives or is it just mine?

Question

He still says I love you but only on the phone, or if I say it first he says I love you too. He watches porn nearly everyday and he knows I consider it cheating. We don't make love as much anymore. When we do, I can't enjoy it because all I can think about is whether he's thinking of me or the porn. He started being really secretive recently, and added a password to his user account on the computer and won't tell me what it is. In the last couple days we've only said maybe 20 words to each other. When I try to hug him he pulls away. We can't afford a counselor, and I don't think he would go anyway. What do I do, I don't want to lose him, I love him so much? Any advice would be extremely helpful.

We also have a almost 4 year old son, he's great with him, at least when I'm at home too.

Answer 1

WOW! I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! I also consider porn as cheating, i do whatever i can to keep him from watching porn if hes going to watch anyone its going to be me....so either he does that or theres the door...we have a 6 year old son together, just put your foot down...dont take no crap you can do it!!

Answer 2

Ok, first of all, watching porn is not cheating. All men watch porn. You don't like it but at least he isn't out running with other women. Secondly, stop being so clingy with him. If he doesn't want to cuddle or have any intimacy don't make it so available to him. Yes, you love him but your life doesn't have to revolve around him. He is probably exacerbating your paranoia by putting a password on the computer. You could try having a heart to heart with him. If he doesn't wish to participate in the marriage then I would suggest having a trial separation. You have a young son who needs to be brought up in a nice, friendly environment; not an environment when mom is a quivering wreck. Start to claw back some of your self respect. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a beautiful person who deserves respect from everyone, particularly your husband. Keep practising and believing that mantra. Build up your strength and threaten hubby that unless he begins to pay you some vital attention you will be forced to reconsider your marriage. Don't get mad at little trivial things. Focus on what is the core problem in the marriage. Is it the porn or a trust issue? Deal with the big problem firstly and the little problems may just disappear. Good luck!

Answer 3

No, this is NOT normal. Your husband sounds like someone who doesn't value you or your marriage. I hate to be blunt, but the truth can hurt sometimes, unfortunately. If you haven't already, try talking with him about how his actions are making you feel - about the sex, about yourself, and about the marriage. But he obviously doesn't care that watching porn is something you consider unacceptable (and rightly so!), so honestly, he probably wouldn't have much to stop him from actually cheating. And, I would be concerned about your son accidentally coming across some of the porn, too!

I hardly would EVER advise someone to consider leaving a marriage, but in this case it may become an option for you if he is not willing to change, has such a disregard for you and your feelings, and especially if you find out that he really is cheating on you which it sounds very possible. And don't even get me started on the amount of damage that pornography can do to a marriage. It is a bad situation for you, and for your son as well.

If you can save up some money to go to counseling, even by yourself, that would be helpful. Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

talk to him and see what is going on in his head.

watching porn is not cheating. spending valuable time with other "in the flesh" women is cheating.

there could be lots of reasons as to why the sex has stopped. sometimes at the onset of erectile disfunction men start pulling back cause they dont understand what is really going on themselves.

there are programs out there that can make those secretive activities on the pc not so secretive.

talk with him without nagging. and keep trying to talk with him. dont let up.

when he is watching that porn, u become that video vixen and join him. if he rejects u ask what is more appealing about porn when he has the real thing right in front of him.

its wonderful that he is a good father and in ur talks tell him so, but also let him know how much ur hurting.

communicating with him is the only way to gauge what is really going on.

Answer 5

You need advice from some place other then here. But if he is acting that way then he is proably cheating. You will find love again, i did. I love him more then I ever did my x because he treats me like a person and loves me with all my faults and doesn't want to change me. The porn, well that is not good at really if he watches it everyday and where is your son when he is doing this. It really sounds like you do need to lose him. When he doesn't hug you back and no contact with him then in my experience, he has someone else or getting it someone else. Except for the child, it sounds like my x husband. Good Luck and keep your chin up.

Answer 6

You obviously have two different ideas of what's acceptable with regards to things of graphic nature. Sounds like you have some serious jealousy issues, these are nothing more than pictures. Realize I'm not talking about your opinion, but rather talking about you are not enjoying yourself under the sheets because you think he might be thinking about those pictures. You should see a counselor there are plenty of them at churchs, try this website for some help finding one http://advice7.com/emotions_feelings/counseling.html You never know how he will react to a counselor so before you jump to any conclusions you should ask if he would join you.

Lastly, PinkWoodRose or whatever the hell your name is, realize that people's views are determined by their experiences, you may think "most men are assholes" as you stated but that's okay because most men believe "most women are bitches" The reality is while you're right some men and women may possess those characteristics or behaviors I think your perception of the percentage is far from correct. You may have had those experiences likely because you've chosen the wrong men. Hard to believe with such a chipper attitude, but then again I'm sure you fit it the before mentioned statement.

Answer 7

Not all men are like that. No married man should be doing porn without his wife's consent. If a man is doing porn without his wife's consent, that is cheating because it is disrespectful and says that he doesn't think his wife is beautiful enough (in which case, maybe he should not have married her in the first place). On the other hand, porn (if you read the sex advice columns) can teach a man how to make sex better for the woman, but, even there, he should've gotten that out of his system as a bachelor or, at least, as a married man, should seek his wife's consent.

Answer 8

It is a bit of everything.

1) This is part of married life. The feelings fade over the years. This may not mean he doesn't love you. He still says he loves you.

2) Watching porn is not cheating. This is just to let his feelings off. As much as some men watch porn, some still masterbate to relieve themselves of the feeling. Why don't you watch with him and maybe you can get romantic.

3) Getting secretive is the worry. Maybe you should start to observe him to see whether is he still faithful or not.

Answer 9

NO, its not just yours. I feel the same way. A different situation ( no porn, passwords, pushing away involved) but he does take all his anger out on me, talks to me as if i was an idiot and doesn't do anything for me anymore. He still say i love you but besides that, he shows no other signs that he actually does.

You should sit down and talk to him. See if he still feels the same about you. I know its a scary thing to do, but you have to know, even if it may hurt. Don't waste your life with someone who doesn't appreciate you. And him being secretive would cause high suspicion in me. You need to know whats going on, and talking to him is the only way.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like he is having marital issues. Does he know everything you have written here? Try talking to him. Be sincere. If he is being secretivve, doing things you dont approve of for a healthy marraige, such as porn. Then it is possible he is chating. I hope he isn't, but maybe you ought you need to try to crack that password,. and see what he is doing. A marraige isn't a marraige at all with out trust, and you have good reason not to have any right now. But, get all the facts before you judge. Sit him down and tell him your concerns. If he loves you, he will change his behaviour, and make it right. If he doesn't....wel I think you know his true feelings. Show him the door...Never put up with a man walking all over you like yesterday's trash. It isn't fair to you, or your son!! Put your foot down!

Answer 11

Have you asked him why he does the things he does? Communication is a big aspect of any relationship. I don't want to speculate anything, but I would be concerned by the secrecy he is expressing. He may be going though a rough time right now. I've been married for 10 years and went through something similar about 4 years ago. My wife asked me what was going on & I told her I needed time for me to figure out what I wanted. She was supportive but not pushy. For me that is what I needed. It was rough on her, I know. You may never know what's going on with him, but if you don't ask and give him an opportunity to respond you never will and will agonize over what might happen.