Back to infrequent sex...see no way out?

Question

My wife and I didn't have sex for 8mos of her pregnancy and for 5mos after...while she was pregnant I didn't bug her too much about it, and since she had pain associated with the c-section, I left her alone for a few months after the birth. When I finally brought it up, she got defensive and it took a couple more months before we had sex. We did plenty of talking...she was having body image issues and I did my best to ease her mind and let her know how attractive I find her. We agreed that having two young kids sex would be less frequent, she thought 2-3x a month was ok, I thought 3-4, but we were in the same ballpark. It got better briefly, now we've had sex once in the last month, and last night at midnight, when I tried to get romantic, she said I'd have to approach her earlier. This is somewhere on the long list of excuses. We have busy lives, but I am very helpful around the house and with the kids. I feel like we could make time once a week. Any suggestions? (no cheating)

Part of what pissed me off last night is she said she didn't have time for lots of foreplay...which I usually do to make sure she has a good time. She's said she always enjoys it...I'm just tired of being rejected. And I always do the dishes if I'm not at work.

Answer 1

I'm in the identical position.

I can tell you that the body-image is likely a bigger factor then the being tired and so on. You helping out more is not going to solve things.

The problem is she doesn't really want sex. Since she doesn't want it, its just one more chore that seems low priority to her.

I don't have any good solution to offer, I just know what doesn't work.

I guess my best suggestions are:
- try to make time for her, not for sex, but for her to get out of the house and exercise etc. Exercise helps libido, getting away from the house and kids will relax her more then anything at home, and working out will help with her body image.
- Be up front about what you want and do NOT apologize or accept that you shouldn't have asked. Do NOT pout or sulk about not getting sex, because women find that repellant.
- I'd go easy on trying to romance and set up time for you to have sex. If she responds well to that stuff now, great, but if not, she'll react badly. If she doesn't want sex, then she'll just be angry that you are 'not letting her enjoy' a break by 'pressuring her to have sex'.

Basically, just trying to romance her only helps if she wants sex. If she doesn't want sex, think about what changes might encourage her to want it more. Lowering stress can help some, but getting her active, encouraging her to worry about herself more, and worrying about yourself more can help too. If you're like me, I don't care if my wife is looking tired and wearing flannel, I still think she's beautiful, but she doesn't _feel_ beautiful, and she's not inclined to take the effort to make herself feel better. So I'd just work on encouraging her to do stuff that will make her feel better about herself.

Answer 2

I must say that must have been with Gods help that, how you could stay celebent for so long. Any way I have had 3 kids and have found a few other ways in pleasing my husband durring my last 2 pregnancys. Yes I was extremely tired I also worked and so did he. We had chuch services inbetween and classes so yes we were busy.
A womans body and her mind goes through many changes and she will hardly ever want to think about sex. This is when my and hubby's relationship would go up and down hill.
But I had to learn the hard way "not saying to try this" but when my husband had left me at home after an argument and did not return for a day and never answerd his phone I became worried, and found that I did not know what I had untill he was gone. I thought the worst. " In a ditch/ on the street/ with anothor woman anywhere doing anything!" He would say "you know what babe I could be with anyone else but im not I am with you because I want to be. I do what I do because I love you and you are what matters. I try my best to make things easier for you when I can but I am only one person. Time after time I have made sacrifices and the only sacrifice I ask that you make it to just try to please me. I dont want temptation to be on my mind and react the wrong way to it! Make her think about what a good man you are! Give her reason to belive that you are not going any where and she is the one you want.
Oh yea and get her all the craving food she wants! Pure Chocolate or dark chocolate works well for some women! As far as self image goes If you have tried over and over to remind her of her beauty tell he" you know what I have told you over and over that I love you and you are beautiful to me, you have had my children. I you dont want me to give you any more comments i will not, and if you dont like the way you look there is nothing i can do about that. The only thing I can do is love you, Just the way you are stretch marks gained weight and all. You are my baby and all I can do is love you. Will you let me?"(Not my husbands exact words but close)
God Speed!

Answer 3

Sorry, honey. I feel your pain. You should join the Yahoo Group S.W.A.G.E. - spouses who aren't getting enough - it is very helpful.
Last year I PRAYED for decreased sex drive and although I now have a 6 month old, I believe my prayer was answered. Now I don't wake up every night at 3 crying because I didn't get enough. Plus, SOME LADIES (Not ALL!) do experience a decrease in sex drive when baby arrives. But I probably don't have to tell ya that.
Some answers are right though, lots of oral and foreplay will get you everywhere BUT REMEMBER (this is key) it starts waaay before you get to the bedroom.
Hang in there buddy. There is a way out. I hope you start getting more. I feel 100% better than I did this time last year about the whole INCOMPATIBLE SEX DRIVE thing.
Peace darlin

Answer 4

You sound like an awesome husband. Sex for women starts way before the physical part. Everything you do or say throughout the day can effect whether or not she gets in the mood. I found it much more difficult to get "in the mood" physically after having children. My body didn't react the same way "down there" and I was self conscious about my inability to get ready. Maybe take the pressure off for sex. Just be sweet all day and then kiss her for a while in bed. Then say goodnight. You just have to work up to it all over again. I wish I could tell you there's a magic switch, but there isn't. Good luck

Answer 5

This is the most difficult time of a marriage - that is why you take vows - in sickness & in health, in good times & in bad, forsaking all others -

Women need to feel appreciated & loved before they have sex, men have sex to feel appreciated & loved.

Hire a babysitter & take her to dinner, go to a movie, take a walk - tell her you want some alone time just with her - not in bed, unless she asks for it. Once you establish the connection OUT of bed, she will want more time IN BED.

You are thinking of the 8+ months that you did not have sex as your contribution to the marriage and you were looking forward to it being over- she does not think of it that way. She is a mother, and her body was preparing for & recovering from childbirth not just waiting to have sex. This time will set the stage for the rest of your marriage - please show her you love her, be tender, be patient - or resentment will build on both sides.

Take care of yourself for awhile - rosie palm, not an affair and be a good man, husband & father.

Answer 6

What she need is more physical love. You need to hold and make love to her more often hopefully that should arouse her. If no sex for too long or once a month, relationship will turn sour. She may be defensive, but a woman also wants security. If she does not have sex for too long, she will feel that you may be cheating on her. So, make your move even if it means a little forceful. Tell her all the sweet things she wants to hear.

Answer 7

Its always been the case after birth but some will need more time than others to adjust back. Good luck.

Answer 8

hire a nanny ora baby sitter once in a while, take her out say twice a week, buy her gifts to make her feel special, flowers chocolates, write her a poem, buy her sexy lingerie to make her feel special, do the thins that you know she loves the most, be sponteneous soon she'll be melting in your hands, take her out to dance, or for a picnic, a movie, kiss her and hug her everydy and tell her how much you love her and that she is the most important woman in your life, be patient and you'l see the results of your hardwork

Answer 9

under 4 cases a week, yet it truly is only me - anybody has distinctive "desires" and that's substantial that the two people in a relationship experience that they are being respected in any respect cases, as quickly as a month or as quickly as an afternoon!!

Answer 10

Ask her once a week, but earlier at night. Possibly ask right after dinner (after offering to help with cleanup and dishes, of course).