How do I get over the pain of a horrible divorce, and what are some things I can do to build my self esteem?

Question

I recently got divorced and before my divorce I was outgoing, funny, smart, and had great self confidence. Now since my divorce I am kinda shy, withdrawn, and very scared about even dating or starting another relationship. Please help, has anyone out there been thru this kind of drama before? What can a lonely girl do /

Answer 1

Give yourself time! A divorce is like a death, it takes time to grieve over the entire thing. You can't just blow it away and it's forgotten. It takes time and space. Give it to yourself, and be patient. And, by-the-way, by time, it means, give yourself a full year before you even begin to think about dating or establishing anything else.

Answer 2

Trust me I know exactly how you feel except it was after I got remarried this happened to me. I found that I lost myself when I got remarried. Maybe you lost yourself when you got divorced.

Try joining some activities or getting back out there with a book club or something. I am very shy, I have an anxiety problem with strangers because of some bad experiences in college. But I am working on it. It is something I have to work at every day.

I have started yoga and a book club and go for walks and read books. It isn't great but I am really trying to build myself back up without the necessary input of my husband - You sound like you are in a very similar situation however it is the dependency on yourself.

You will get through and you just made a new friend, feel free to message me whenever you want!

Answer 3

Divorce is not easy. In fact the majority of the time it is extremely painful. It can take a long time to recover from the damage of divorce. When a divorce occurs it is like a death in the family. So many emotions can rise to the surface. For example: anger, frustration, fear, sorrow, anguish, bitterness, hatred, and regret are just a few of the emotions that come up during and after a divorce. The person being divorced starts questioning their value as a person and as a mate. They start thinking and saying "If only I had done this..." or "I should have done this ..." or "I am not lovable" or "I'll never be happy" or "I'll always be alone".

Divorce can destroy self-esteem. Depression can sneak into the mind without knowing what is happening. The parties involved in divorce become full of guilt. They begin to question their sanity.

Understand that all of the feelings and emotions that surface are normal. Accept them instead of denying that they exist. Work through each emotion. You are not a bad person for thinking or feeling a certain way. You are just human.

Divorce is never easy for the people involved. It can have long-term affects on any new relationships. Divorce can be a learning experience that makes you stronger and healthier emotionally. It all depends on your attitude and how you act after a divorce. Anger, sadness, depression blame, and frightened about the future are common reactions to divorce. Feelings of insecurity, betrayal, low self-esteem and disconnection can linger long after a divorce. You could go through life blaming other's for your unhappiness or you could choose to live and learn from this chapter in your life and create a new beginning. The choice is yours.

Here are some suggestions for people in the process of divorce and for those already divorced:

1. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Deal with the feelings of anger and sadness. You have a right to your own feelings. Let them out. Write about the, talk about the, scream and cry about them. Release your feelings. Take a long bath or shower and then stay in your robe all day and just be with your feelings. You have to feel to heal.

2. Understand that it takes a lot of time to recover from divorce. Healing does not happen overnight. Don't let friends or family rush you through the process. Go about your healing in your own way and at your own pace. Don't feel guilty about mourning your loss.

3. Read as much self-help material that you can. Read or listen to the same self-help book at least 6 times during a 30 day period before starting a new book. It takes that much repetition before you can actually digest and learn from the information.

4. Treat yourself often to long walks in the park, massages, movies, eating out, reading a novel, window shopping, and anything else that will make you feel pampered for an hour or so. Pamper and nurture yourself as much as possible. Do some things that you put off doing while you were married. Start taking care of yourself and your needs.

5. Seek outside help from your minister or from a counselor. Reach out to others. Let others help you through your mourning process. Talk to people that can relate and empathize.

6. Be aware of how you think and feel when you are stressed. Try to anticipate how you want to react and then do the opposite. Example: If you usually talk a lot stop and try to listen instead, if you withdraw, stop and start a conversation. It takes time to develop new behaviors. Be persistent. Stop blaming yourself or others for your unhappiness. Take responsibility for your feelings.

Answer 4

You say recently got divorced...you need to take some time off from relationships and just be independant for a while. Get some of your close girlfriends and go out from time to time find new hobbies and just find your groove. When you feel confident again then test the dating waters. Right now your insecurity could lead you to find a not so good man.

Answer 5

I'm there with ya. I went through a HORRIBLE "man hating stage" after my first divorce. I wore make-up on a daily base before my divorce and afterwards I wouldn't even brush my hair. I wore baggy jeans and t-shirts. EEEKKK!! But. . . . I gave it time. I started getting my life back on track, got an apartment, new car, got settled with the single life. After a few months I was back to me and even better than before. Single life isn't so bad. It's kind of a nice change after a crappy marriage. You'll be back to GREAT before you know it, just hang in there, and don't rush yourself. Take as long as you need. The first step is to get control over your new life. . . . everything else will follow.

Answer 6

I'm in your position right now and its been 6 months. She left me for a coworker after a 15 year marriage. I'm starting up some therapy to get my old self back. Try being around people as much as possible. I started coaching my sons baseball team and last night met a single mom and I think after a few rounds of therapy I might ask her out. Try going to church or do some volunteer work.

Answer 7

Oh honey I totally understand and know the feeling your going thur..Well the first thing is be positive. start taking your self out places you want to go..if you have a friend have them join you and talk tell them tell them what your feeling open up...you ll feel a whole lot better...start doing thing like walking, or your job I found things to keep me busy...
and remember tell yourself you are beautyful smart daily
relationship will come to you when your ready....dont rush into anything give your self time
just like when you plant a flower it takes time to bloom and that is how your esteem work...build it up...

Answer 8

There are many fish in the sea. You are still luckier than many divorced women in Asia and other. Don't let any man give the value but yourself.

Love yourself and the rest would come. Time would give you the answer.

Answer 9

You lucky girl. Don't you realise that you are single again? Thats a blessing. Why waste time? You long to be yourself for so long without a husband disagreeing with you.Isn't it? Then come on dress up, get out and move on!!

Answer 10

do some volunteer work to help others in need, dont be in a big hurry to get into another relationship.