What should I do about my husband not really being what i want for a partner?

Question

My husband is a good man. He works hard and has a good job and he loves me very much. When he proposed I thought this was what should matter. Everyone who meets him thinks he is wonderful and both friends and family wanted me to marry him.
I knew something was missing. I loved him but I never once felt IN love with him. After 7 years (2 married) I find myself dreaming about what it would be like to be kissed again and actually get a nice feeling from it.
My husband is not home most of the time because he works so much. He has gotten quite heavy because he is never home to work out like he used to.
I am even less attracted to him now than I was before. I don't know what to do.I feel like he is just my friend. Being with him sexually grosses me out.

We have talked about it and he doesn't take me seriously. I told him that I feel like maybe we shouldn't have been married because I feel like we are just friends. He laughs and said " i could never be just friends with you. You are the love of my life."

I really wish I was in love with him the way he is with me. I think I mraried him hoping I would eventually feel that way.

Answer 1

well to began with i'm sorry to hear that !!! i lived it i wouldn't want anyone one to live that life i did and i stayed and stayed trying to fix it i went and cheated on him because i thought the love was gone honey think about what you are doing you need to try and think about why you married him in the frist places because once you put that water over the bridge there's no going back are you feeling he take's you for granted? maybe you need time apart so you can figure out what you really want to do take a lady's night out and just let yourself go be out there for you live that night like it was your last night on earth do what ever you feel and then check yourself have a good day i hope this help's

Answer 2

Sounds like he has some good traits. If you love him , talk to him and express your needs and concerns. If your not deeply in love enough to accept him as he is, then don't marry him.
You don't marry someone because the family likes him. Im in a similiar situation, I have been dating a woman that is terrific . And she's not unattractive, but she's not someone I would fantisize about. Everybody just loves her. Were great together, but I would never marry her, because I'm sure if I did I would cheat on her. The kiss says it all, if it doesn't light your fire, you 'll probably never be satisfied with him. Passion can wane over time, and people of good character are getting harder to find. Maybe , a break from each other could help, cinch it. That there may be someone else out there waiting to meet you. Or maybe you will miss him so much, that you will realize you can't live without him.
Good Luck

Answer 3

Go to your local library and find some books to boost the marriage. There are ways, like go on holiday, arrange some things, come on, money isn't everything. You can both go to a hot country for 2 weeks. You need a summer break, the sea, sunshine, a bit of wine, then things may turn up great. Relax your mind as well don't force that you are not attracted to him, tell him this feeling, sit with him and explain. May be he feels same. Are you sure he is not flirting any secretary? Men think of sex every 5 mintues in their lives. May be he is asking same question in his mind but in reality? non of you know how each is feeling. Communicate, open up, tell each other, both of you have a body, soul, and a heart. Use them. Life goes quick and you should be happy to have a man that loves you. Things don't stay same as first time you met, but things grow deeper and happier. Go to the gym, make yourself happy to love your body to feel sexy, that way you will feel sexual too. try, just try. You won't loose a thing!!

Answer 4

As he does now not guard you while she disrespects you i feel you do have some thing to fear approximately, she an d who ever else must have instantly left the room while you arrived,she is making an attempt to "mark her territory" through lounging at the mattress, having a bet with others approximately you, of path you might be frantic to understand he have been shot, she is jealous of your dating, she would possibly not wish your husband, however likes the truth that "every body likes her", however fairly you could have obvious her precise nature. Which she does now not exhibit to the guys, or they could also be afraid of the vigour she thinks she has, and simply cross along side it to not be the following sufferer. Women like this are a entire nightmare, and almost always deal with different ladies badly, however be comforted that she is going to die by myself, no guy might post with the "spoilt brat, i will be able to have some thing i wish pursuits!" for lengthy. In fact you could have the vigour, your husband loves you,she is so jealous of that.Assert your vigour,you're correct to fear, i might too, i'm hoping he's a higher guy and refuses her advances, if he does not what have you ever misplaced besides,its rough, very rough,if he loves you he'll do the correct factor, if now not, you'll grieve for many years, however you deserve a higher guy.You cant manage her, most effective he can, be loving and being concerned to him,and if the worst occurs, stroll away gracefully.

Answer 5

If you don't love him then you have to leave him but for the reasons you say, that is just superficial.

I mean the fact that you don't want to be married to him because he takes care of you is just... well anyway. We had a similar problem in my marriage, my husband got ansy.

Well I let him take some time, a break, to determine if he wants to be married or not. When we are came back together everything was much better. I spent that time working on myself and I think things have become much better. I love him and I know he loves me, it has made our relationship much better.

Try talking to him and seeing if you can find a way to please yourself and be married at the same time. It isn't common practice and people think I am crazy sometimes but different things work for different couples. Just because it isn't mainstream doesn't mean that it isn't the right answer for you two.

Answer 6

You need to sit down with him and be brutally honest, without blaming him or yourself. Things simply are what they are.

Tell him that you do not feel attracted to him. That you do not want sex with him. But that you will work on your mental state as long as he works on himself.

Tell him it is important to you that he start working out hard. Tell him that you want to be aroused when he undresses - wouldn't he like that? Tell him that he _should_ worry more about his appearance.

Meanwhile, promise to do what you can on your side. What you can do is what therapists call 'Act - Think - Feel'. Most of us tend to assume feelings must come first, then actions flow from them. Apparently, our minds are more flexible then that, and will adapt.

So while your husband is busting his butt in the gym and watching what he eats and what he wears ....

You're going to work on building sexual feelings for him. The path will be
Act - have sex with your husband! not boring sex. Wild sex of the type you find most erotic. Push yourself to do so.
Think - Remind yourself that you can enjoy sex with your husband, think about how it can feel, tell yourself that you will have a hot sex filled marriage
Feel - feelings (so they tell me!) will begin to conform to how you are living and what you are telling yourself.

You should also think about your husband's behaviour, which may be as much of an issue as his appearance. Is he too nice? Does he conform too easily to do what you ask him? Would you find yourself more sexually attracted to him if he had more swagger, more confidence? If he was a little emotionally stronger? More sensual? Think about this, and talk to your husband about these things. If the issue is his lacking backbone, I'd suggest the book 'no more mr. nice guy' for him. Don't worry, its not about how to be 'not nice'. Its more like how to stop being a 'nice guy' and start being a 'nice MAN'.

Good luck. If you both work on this, there is a very good chance of rekindling your feelings (or perhaps lighting for the first time). One thing working strongly in your favour? Human males and females are _made_ to be sexually attracted to each other. Your husband just needs to unlearn some bad behaviours, be more of the raw animal that is inside, and get himself in shape.

Answer 7

Marriage is very much about loyalty. It's about standing behind your spouse no matter what. Do you really think that finding someone else will satisfy you?

The problem has very little to do with your husband. You're not satisfied with yourself. The way you've described your husband makes him look like a hero. Yeah, he's not perfect, but who is?

No man can make you happy if you're not satisfied with yourself. Don't destroy your marriage over a feeling, when your husband is providing for you.

Love is not about what your partner can do for you, but what you can do for your partner.

Answer 8

Wow you sound as shallow as some of the men on here. You have a very rare man, he loves you and is a good man. desire changes throughout marriage so I would strongly suggest seeking counceling and open up communication to your husband. He can't know how you're feeling if you don't tell him.

Answer 9

The grass looking greener on the other side again. If you dont have children maybe just leave and find yourself,but not sure that you will. Sometimes we get bored and thats when we need to spice it up not look for another partner.

Answer 10

You married him, so you really should do all you can to save your marriage. Talk to your husband and explain how you're feeling. Be kind, don't start an argument. Just state the facts.

I would suggest marriage counseling. If your husband won't go with you, go by yourself.