do we tell him??

Question

my brother in law has a daughter of 12 who is dressing tarty and wearing lots of makeup etc!! she goes to school with my good friends daughter(same age) my friend's daughter who does not lie as she is a lovely girl told us that on the school toilets wall it has my niece's name followed by" is a s--t" do my husband and i tell her dad or keep out of it.thanks

and obviously my children share the same surname so i don' think it is good for them either

Answer 1

Dear Heidzz,

her father has to know, but all the case of telling or not depends on your relationship with your brother in law.

Do you discuss in general children's matters or not?
Are you close enough?
Does the relationship you have makes you feel comfortable discussing these things?
Do you think in an opposite case he would come to discuss something for your daughter?

Think all these parameters and decide! Good luck

A nice discussion with some coffee can solve many future problems

Answer 2

I truly believe if you tell any parent that, they will not appreciate you for it so it is best to keep out.

The parents must know what their daughter is wearing to school (since she obviously isn't doing her own laundry) so they must have spoken to her about it. If they choose to ignore the issue, then you really shouldn't be the one to bring it up.

Secondly there is no such thing as a person (and especially a 12 year old child) who does not lie. Well if you choose to believe she is incapable of deceit, I'll just point out that she's a tattler so that really is very lovely of her.

Depending on how close you are with your niece, I suggest the best way is to actually to get through to her. Take her out shopping and look at the stuff she picks out. Suggest to her how best to look fabulous yet not have to show all her 'goods'.. (be subtle of course)..

At this age she's probably picking all this up from the media, some adult she admires or her favourite artist etc. Similarly, a 12 year old kid which can scrawl the word 's--t' and associate it to another student is obviously learning it from somewhere too.

You'll have more success trying to ensure your niece turns out ok. I have less faith in the tattler and the 'grafitti artist'.

Answer 3

Its a tricky one and you lose either way really. Obviously her dad knows she wears tarty clothes and make-up and allows her to do so. Lots of things get written on toilet walls in schools which are not necessarily true. If you tell the dad then he may react against you and just think you are bad mouthing his daughter. If you don't, at some point in the future he may be angry that you didn't tell him. You could try having a friendly word with your niece first.

Answer 4

This is a tough one, because it's generally a bad idea to pass on information that you don't know firsthand is true. However, this is a 12-year-old. So, maybe you should approach the parents with the attitude that you don't know if it's true, but you thought they should check on it. Maybe they can surprise their daughter at school one day and see how she's dressed and how's she's interacting with the boys. Also, I'd get with an administrator and check out the bathroom thing.

Answer 5

you shouldnt tell her dad as it could cause massive arguements. my parents stopped me wearing what i wanted when I was 15 (I was wearing what people would class as 'gothic clothing'). After that we had 4 years of family councilling because they tried to rule my life. If you tell your brother in law the same might happen and she might rebel as I did.

Ask her if she wants to go shopping with you and buy her a few items of clothing that still make her look cool, but look less tarty or have a word with her or something. If you take her shpooing it might change the way she feels about herself (for better) and realise that she doesnt need to wear lots of make up ot tarty clothing. x

Answer 6

Before you tell him, find out who wrote the graffitti. If you can't, why hassle the father. I'm a Dad too, give him a break.
If you object to his daughter's make-up, and dress, tell him so, but don't bring this toilet writer in as proof you are right.
Do you realise you are deferring your own judgement to the sort of scum who write filth on toilet walls? I'd take a second look at the "lovely girl" who spews all this negativity - how do you know who is the honest one here?
Stay out of it - it's none of your business, unless you are motivated by real love and concern.
I don't see evidence of that.

Answer 7

Of course you should tell him. I'm sure you would want to know
if it was your child. I would also have him talk to his daughter
about dressing more consevitive around her peers and talk
to the school about having those remarks taken off. It is a law
that wants students are in school that they are supposed to be protected by school officials and its sounds like there not doing a very good job.

Answer 8

i dont know i think id have a word. if it was my daughter id want to know. nip it in the bud before it becomes a serious issue, because if whats written on the wall happens to be true shell end up with a baby by the time shes 15, id tell them, its in the childs best interest at the end of the day. x

Answer 9

Think about how you would wish him to approach you if the shoe were on the other foot and go from there. Remebering of course that you can only gently point things out...you will not necessarily change things and that it is possible you will simply drive a wedge between yourself and your brother.

Answer 10

i wouldnt mention the graffitii, kids write rubbish like that all the time and telling either the girl or her dad is just upsetting. what would they do with the knowledge anyway. that said someone definately should speak to the girl about dressing with the right "balance", as i am sure you are aware less is more.