why can't I hate my abusive ex??

Question

My divorce from a nine year marriage (14 year relationship) is almost finale. It was an abusive marriage and ended very badly. He is moving away and will probably never see our two small children again. He does pay his child support so I guess he thinks that is enough. The thing is even with every awful thing that happened and went on , I am still having a hard time moving on. I know I can’t go back because of the violence and I love my children and myself to much to live that way. I just feel so empty right now. I miss having someone to cook for , do laundry for and go out with. I guess I just miss being a wife to someone. I do not want to jump into a relationship because I want to work on me. I want to know who I am and become stronger on my feet. Build my self esteem back up. It is all the memories that I can not stop thinking about. Certain songs, places and people. We were high school sweet hearts and he has been my one and only guy I have ever been with intimately. I want to hate him so much and I should after what he did to me. I am just having a hard time with moving on. He is a very successful business man and I am afraid I will never meet someone like that again. But then I know that money is not happiness. When I left him I left everything , the house, the new care , all my possessions. I never cared about any of that stuff. He just makes me feel inadequate to him and I feel like I need to prove to him that I am a better person than him. Even though I KNOW that I am better. Because I love people with my heart not just because I have something to gain from them. It makes me sick to think of him making love to someone else. Why can’t I just move on!! I know what the right thing is to do but my heart won’t let me let go. What can I do? I am in counseling already.

Answer 1

I think you can forgive but don't forget what he has done and that is exactly what you are doing.

Look to the future and don't live in the past.

You said, "I am afraid I will never meet someone like that again."

I hope this is true.

When one has been abused they tend to seek out the same kind of person unless they do some inner healing and figure out why things happened the way they did.

Losing your virginity to the only person you knew is one of those highly bonding moments in life.

You are in a state of incongruity where your past has been good and not so good at the same time. It's like, "I love you - (SLAP)!"

Focus on yourself, your children, and the life you want to lead and before you know it, he will not be so much on your mind.

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal after a bad breakup from a longterm relationship that you have experienced.

I am glad you are in counselling to talk with someone and work through this temporary hurdle.

Answer 2

I Use To See My Mom Get Beat Everyday, And So did We. I Never Understood Why My Mom Told Us Not To Hate Him. But Now That I'm Grown I Understand, While Thay Are Out Doing Ther Thing And Being Happy, Your inside Hurting And Hating Missing Out On Life.You Should Be able To Move On, And Learn To Love Yourself,And Hopfuly Somone Else. It's Hard to Let Him Go Because You Really Loved Him, He Just Didn't Love You The Same.But mGod Is Going To Bless You , And Mend Your Broken Heart, So You Can Live Again. May Your Cup Runneth Over With Blesings.

Answer 3

You are grieving. Divorce is as great a loss as death. And it is the actual loss of the marriage that is causing you to grieve as well. Allow yourself this time to grieve and to heal. Suddenly all you can remember is the person you fell in love with, not the jerk who hurt you. I know exactly what you are going through. I felt the same way for a long time after leaving my abusive husband. We were together for over 10 years, married for about half that. I was so confused the first year after I left, because all I could remember about him were the good things. Eventually as time passes, you will get stronger. Just take it day by day, keep up with the counseling, and don't be ashamed to cry. It can hit you at the most unexpected times and can be triggered by the tiniest memory, sight, smell, or even a certain food. I left everything as well, and had to start over from scratch. I did get a legal separation for issues such as custody, but I still love him so much I can't find it in my heart to divorce him. I haven't even considered dating yet and it's been over a year and a half, and I'm not sure when I will ever be ready. He was the love of my life, or so I thought (until he hit me). It just takes time, focus on your kids and check out a support group in your area if there is one. Staying busy helps tremendously.

Answer 4

What you were in was a co dependent relationship. It is normal to miss all these things. That was part of you identity, a Wife. Google the word Co Dependant and you will see that you are very normal. And you will find some insite as to where you are now. It is never easy to go threw divorce. You feel a natural loss as though you could have done something to save it. It is like a death, it hurts deep. Remember that you still have to do all the things you did when he was their. Cook do laundry etc etc. Only now there is no abuse and you and the children are safe. It takes time to regroup. Give yourself that time . Try keeping a journal and take an inset to your counceling session to read. It will give new life to the session. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Your not ready to. Love and hate co-exists in most all relationships. You want to hate, but you remember love. We covet what we do not have. If you had him you would not want him, but since you have no one, the memories of him is all you have. So, you see it is OK to mourn a lost relationship and work on you at the same time. He is the daddy and you have a tie, as for his time spent with the kids? If he is abusive they are better off waiting until they are older and can deal with their own feeling and choose to invest or leave him alone. There are many places for you to find some assistance with how you feel. Look for local support groups, such as Parents Without Partners, or a group dealing with your need to be co-dependent. I am glad that you wrote your question and I hope that my answer helps you. I find in life that we can not change or control the actions of others, we can only control how we react to those people who affect our lives. Best of luck and love you kids and yourself enough to feel you deserve to be love fully and completely by a real man.
Sincerely,
Tracylyn S

Answer 6

Well you could start by joining a dating website, e-harmony is the best in my opinion. Secondly you can hate your ex but don't express your hostility in front of your children because it can make them feel badly about themselves since they are half their dad. I was in an abusive relationship too and I got out, however my ex husband never really worked...Anyways I hope that you meet some one way better soon.

I joined e-harmony and I met my current bf who is wonderful. It is almost scary how well matched we are...

Answer 7

You still love him and that's really hard.
What he did was wrong and you need to take time to understand what your'e feeling is normal. 14 years is a long time to be with someone and have them shatter your dreams.
Take it one day at a time and find out what you want from life.
you only live once, make a new dream!

Answer 8

GOOD FOR YOU!!!! it was a hard decision but you did make it. what you are feeling now is like grieving a death. and in a way that is exactly what it is..
be patient, things will get better..
i know I've been there!!!
i wish you all the luck in the world, i truly do. i know how hard it can be.... just hang tough, keep a smile on your face and enjoy the good things in your life every single day!!!
give your kids a hug and always remember, things have been worse and now they are not any more!!!

Answer 9

Very simply you're hanging on to anything that was positive.
Rather than the reality of what was so strongly lacking in the relationship. There is a saying that one only receives what they expect. Thus expect MORE! Good Luck.......

Answer 10

Well the best way is always not to remain in contact. NO communication no visual no rememberance of gifts ar anything etc..In time to come it will fade away...

What youshould do now is focus on your kids give them love and security..you will gain much happiness from there...

MOVE ON in life... if not you will be stressed out and always have no direction in life. Make you kids as a priority in life and do all the things for them..

take care..