I need a man's opinion on what is going on in his head..?

Question

My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years. We have been separated for a little more than a year now; we have not lived together or even talked about getting back together.. things were pretty bitter between us, but all has been calmed down for the last couple of months. I still love him very much. So, about a week ago, I wrote him an email asking him if he would consider coming back home. I wasn't even expecting him to admit he'd even read it, because he usually just ignores my emails, no matter what they are about. It took like 4 or 5 days, but I got a big shock Friday night when I found a reply from him waiting in my inbox! He didn't say yes.. but he didn't say no. He said he was thinking about it. He said there was a great deal of things to just forget about, and he really needed to think about it before he gave me an answer one way or another. I can hardly contain myself. I don't know what to say to him now, I'm trying very hard not to press the issue. More to be added

I am only really slightly afraid that he'll just turn around and say NO.. I mean, in my experience with men.. when they say they are "thinking about" something, it really doesn't have anything to do with ME, but rather something inside themselves they need to figure out. It, on the other hand, excites me that he didn't immediately say NO.. I mean, wow.. that definately must mean he's still got some sort of feelings for me, right? Well, okay. If it were you and you had said this to a woman.. what would be going through your mind? What do you think you'd be "thinking" about? And in your manly opinion.. haha.. what can or should I do, without making him think I am trying to be pushy, but yet to maybe still subtly let him know that I want to know what he's thinking and feeling? DO you know what I mean? Women can answer this too, I'd just really appreciate a man's point of view. Thank you!!

Those are some really great responses. Especially Confused & Michael, thank you. And to the person that commented that he sent an email.. well, I was the one who sent him an email first, so, I don't really think that was insensitive of him to do. He did not cheat on me. I did not cheat on him. We both got into drinking too much. We got into financial problems. Then his grandmother became terminally ill and died. Because we were going through financial problems and his family lives 350 miles away, and I didn't have a job at the time.. I tried to deter him from going up and being with his family. I said some stupid, insensitive things. He had enough of it all, and has been gone since. I have not talked to him about getting back together since 2 months after we were separated, so it's been over a year that we've even talked about it. Perhaps the age old addage of "time heals all" could be true in my case..

So you think the best thing to do is just wait, can someone tell me what they think would be a "safe" amount of time to wait before I start asking him questions.. I sure don't want to be pushy or interfere with whatever he needs to get worked out, I think that'll just drive him away..

Nono, I haven't been waiting a year for him to answer me!! We just started talking about this on Friday.

If you really think I'd wait A YEAR for an answer, oh gosh you're nuts.. look at me!! We just started talking about this 3 days ago and I'm on edge, haha!!

The reason we haven't talked about getting back together in a year is, well.. it was just one big fight after another. Well, we were arguing so much that eventually, we both just got sick of it, and stopped talking altogether for about 3 months. And well lookie there. We stopped talking (arguing!), spent some REAL time apart instead of constantly at each other's throats.. and it looks like it's made a world of difference.

Answer 1

IT just a power struggle. I think he still wants to be back but doesnt want to appear weak. But I still need more info. What have separated between you two? If he say he wants to think about it, maybe he was refering to a bad thing you did to him that led him to move away. If he really moved on, he would reply saying no or wont reply at all. Meaning he has already find someone else. But he did not, so you still have a chance. My suggestion is that you should give him some time and reply back that he will be welcome whenever hes ready or considering it. And then write something touchy like a time you both cooked together. something to entice him back in time you both did. But I would reply back within a couple of days. And you should admit on your email, the mistake you have done if you thought it through. Stop the power struggle and be upfront about it. If he reply back frankly then it could work out again. If you failed to admit the mistake that is bothering him, then he might say no. SO good luck and pray for me.

Answer 2

I think he loves you (the positive side) but hates the other part. You need to deal with the issues causing the problems or you will just keep falling into the same traps over and over again for infinity. If it requires a marrage counciler then so be it.

I would rather admit I had problems then not and let them constantly break me up. You need to understand that often the problems between couples are 2 sided that you are inclined one way and he doesnt like that.

Find the middle ground understand you are 2 people who are a unit. Realise that rome wasnt built in a day and the most successful relationships were worked on, not out of some movie where harry met sally and all of a sudden they are 100% compatable

Answer 3

You dont say why you broke up in the first place. Without knowing that, it is impossible to say.
If he was cheating, he may be thinking of how he can do it again and not get caught. On the other hand if you cheated, he may still love you but be thinking if your going to cheat on him again and how much it will hurt.
Without a reason, I cant help much but I do know this.

If a guy says he is thinking about it, trust me... he is actually thinking about it. When it comes to family, we do actually think about what will happen "if" and "when" things will happen and why.
Dont press the issue, but dont let it fall between the cracks either. After all, a lot has changed in the past year. He has a new place to live, maybe a regular "friend" he was seeing or something. You are willing to adjust, but does he think it is worth trading in what he has now for what he already had.
Good Luck

Answer 4

Why not just let him try to come back to YOU? That is if you didn't cheat on him or anything. I wouldn't really get so excited because he didn't say yes. He also sent you a freaking email. If he has your number and wanted to talk it out, he'd've called you so I honestly wouldn't be so ex centric about it. But, you have high hopes so you must seriously love him. Mayeb this negativety is stemming from women saying they would think about it and all of the crap, so I'd say the same thing just to keep her thinking she's got a shot. But hey, I don't know your life story... I'd find someone else tho lady. give it up.

Answer 5

What's going through his mind is undoubtedly the attractions and repulsions of the relationship--both of those must be major. Things such as "Is there ANY way we can make it work?" And, "How can we make it work?" And, "Will my psyche stand for another bad experience like that if we get back together and things go sour?"
Truthfully, if said the things you say you said to him in sobriety, you have problems with anger. What would weigh heavily in my mind if I were your guy would be assurance that you are controlling the booze and anger. It is NEVER a mistake to get help with problems you know you have--NEVER a mistake. It would impress the heck out of me if you could truthfully say, I've gone to AA (or taken other steps) that will help me be a better person.
PS: Keeping another from familial duties and responsibilities they sense or feel is very damaging.

Answer 6

Hi ... first of all Men and Women's " I'm thinking about it " are completely different ... my personal advice its for NOT TO BE PUSHY ... Maybe he needs to start with the rigth foot again and MEN minds are solution oriented vs. emotional (womens). Its a good think that he replied .. however, dont wait too much for him to get comfortable alone or separated. Just dont throw yourself to the floor and make him look for you and return to you. How? let him know HOW things will be different and tell him you love him and that there are a couple of beers waiting for him at the fridge (or wine) .. and that you want it to give it another shot and rebuild that amazing relationship that brought you guys together at first. In other words: invite him to dinner at your house, candles, wine .. show him that you are a hot flame for him ... dont be pushy on the erotic stuff .. just cool music, great food and MAKE HIM REMMEBER HOW GREAT IS TO BE HOME AGAIN... Do it and GRAB YOUR HUSBAND BACK ! cheers and hope you like my advice.... Peter

Answer 7

My take on it is he still loves you, and wants to be back with you, is probably thinking it may be good to try again, but doesn't want that good thing to be ruined by a return to the fighting.

From what you say, if you both can find a way to communicate, stay away from drinking, and be patient with each other, it could work.

The other guy said couples counselling, maybe that would be a good idea.

Best wishes for you.

Answer 8

The reason he didn't answer you directly is because he is checking on his "plan B". He will return to you if nothing else works out. You simply waiting for him tells him that he can take his time with it. The first red flag was the 1 year away. Don't fall for another "maybe". Get out now. Tell him you are tired of waiting and you are moving on. See how fast he perks up (this will be your suprise)

Answer 9

When we say we are thinking about it, it means we have other options and if we can figure out a way to swing them ALL, then we will.

Example. He has a girlfriend, or a girl he's interested in. No doubt about it. He's just waiting to see how that will work out, if it will work out, if he can move back home and still keep her, or maybe you caught him on the down swing and if he can't find someone else he'll move back in.

Make sense?

Answer 10

Yes, he is taking time to figure his life out. He is just as cautious about this as you. I cannot recommend a course of action to you because I do not know his personality. Maybe, if he doesn't answer in a week or so, then ask him to go to lunch with you. Maybe ask him over lunch what he's decided. Again, not knowing him makes this very difficult. Don't push him though. Good luck.