What to do about husband who won't talk?

Question

We've been married over 20 years and have kids that are almost grown. He never was much of a talker but things have gone from bad to worse lately. I have about all of the silence and ignoring that I can stomach now. I am about to give up on him. I have tried everything over the years and he just clams up, watches TV non stop or indulges himself in his hobby on his one day off a week. I am so frustrated, lonely and upset. But he won't budge. He gets better temporarily then goes right back to the same clamshell ways. Could he be going through male menopause? or be depressed or something? He says he loves me and wants to be married but his actions don't match his professions of love for me. If this is love then I might as well check out now. This is maddening and happens very often. I know I deserve better treatment. He seems unable to keep an emotional connection with me for more than a few days at a time before he reverts to ignoring and silence again. Is it a fear of intimacy?

Answer 1

It sounds as if you are describing my husband! I give you credit for staying married for 20 years. I have been with my husband for 13 years (married for 5), and I have had just about all I can handle too. My husband tells me that he never talks (to me) because he can never get a word in, or that he just doesn't feel like talking. But when the phone rings, and it is one of his buddies, he gabs like a teenage girl!!
What was/is your husbands father like? This is my only indication as to why my husband acts the way he does. His dad never showed affection towards him, his sisters or his wife. She stuck around for 25 years before she told him where to go!
Maybe you will just have to give him an ultimatum, tell him that you are tired of feeling so detached from him.
I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Since he never has been a talker as you say then you aren't experiencing anything different than your entire life with him. You chose to ignore it while you had kids to occupy the time he didn't give you. Now it's just him and you. This is no surprise. The two of you never chose a path together that spanned past the obvious of raising children and you can't expect that he is going to be a different man. He couldn't have been there for you through all those years. Talk to him albeit it might be way too late but it's worth a shot. Just don't expect that he is going to roll over and be the man is never was. He doesn't have a fear of intimacy....he just doesn't have the capability of sharing anything. You must make a decision if this is where you want your empty nest life to take you. I am sorry that you put up with him all these years. I'll almost guarantee if you tell him you want to walk, he'll be surprised. Expect it. He never thought he had to be different.

Answer 3

Why have you waited till now? If this was so important, you should have done something about it years ago.

You have to decide if you want to continue to put up with it or separate or get a divorce. No, he is not going through male menopause or depression - this is his natural state! This is not some new pattern he has suddenly begun doing. You indicated it has been like this for a long time. When are you going to realize and accept that fact? After all these years, he is not going to change. YOU have to decide what it is YOU want.

If you do decide to end the relationship, are you prepared to be alone? You will still not have the romance or relationship you want, but at least you won't have someone ignoring you. This is something you have to decide for yourself. It has been my personal experience that it is better to be in no relationship at all rather than a bad one.

Also you have children to think about. If you do decide to leave him, it will undoubtedly be a nasty surprise both to him and to the kids. Even though you've mentioned your discontent it has just become so much noise to him since he knows that you never back up your words. All he's had to do all these years is placate you for a short time, then you 'get off his back' and he goes right back to his normal way of living. Evidently you've never 'followed through.'

It's up to you. You have to decide, as Ann Landers says, if you are "better with him or without him."

Answer 4

Remember when you were just dating one another? Money was tight, I'm assuming, and the two of you would just be together. It's corny but it works - make a date with your mate. Let him know that on such & such day at so & so time, the two of you need to be at wherever.

The thing that we used was planning an indoor picnic (blanket on the floor, candles going, tuna or bologna sandwiches, etc). No TV - only background music allowed. There was something about the soft lights & peaceful setting that seemed to get us back on the same page.

Answer 5

People have different ways of handling discord, anger, boredom, etc. It sounds as though your husband doesn't really want to communicate because he may not know how to express his feelings.

Do you normally get angry easily? Do you interrupt him when he does speak?

Although, I am not accusing you for your husband's quiet behavior it is common that interactions with other people are what cause people to become introverted socially.

Think about ways to help him communicate with you more often. Tell him that you love him and you want to save your marriage by communicating more. You've been together a long time. I think you owe this to yourselves. He may not have thought verbalizing his feelings were such a big thing. Try it...I hope it helps.

Answer 6

I'm betting it's a "midlife crisis". I went through much the same thing around 40 to 42. All you can do is be there for him, love him, and respect his privacy. For what it's worth, it usually only lasts a couple of more years....plus, he's NEVER been a talker, so at best, he's never going to be a real conversationalist, but he WILL improve most likely.. Good Luck!

Answer 7

No, he is not afraid of being intimate with you. Actually, the fact that he feels completely comfortable with you, allows him to do what he feels like doing, and that is being quiet if he wants to.

I suggest you don't bother him about that. If you insist on making him talk, he will avoid talking completely. If you want to tell him what is going on during the day, go ahead, tell him, talk to him as a friend, ask him for his opinion even if you don't need it. If he doesn't say anything, it's ok, he listened, that's enough. If you continue doing that -talking to him without expecting anything from him- little by little he will make comments or questions.

Also, this behavior is usually the response to criticism. How often do you correct what he says or make him feel he thinks wrong, or does things badly or poorly?? A person who is criticized all the time doesn't feel like speaking at all.

Finally, I do think he is depressed, and you could ask him to go to the doctor, but depression has an emotional cause. So, try to wear his shoes on, and from a MALE perspective try to observe his life, your interactions with him, the way your children relate to him, the way things go at work, if he is retired he may be depressed about not feeling useful anymore. Try to identify those attitudes from the people around him -inlcuding you- that make him feel not understood, not appreciated, not taken into account.

Observe him, don't ask, men usually don't know why they feel one way or the other, but if you observe his reactions, you will be able to identify those situations and attittudes that make him feel rejected and not loved. Then you can avoid those or do things that make him feel important again.

Keep in mind that he is suffering. He is suffering in silence. Men don't complain as much as women do, and usually they won't make big scenes, but they do struggle too, and they are as sensitive as we are. If you are being rude, critical, and make him feel inadequate with your complaints, this is the kind of response you have. He won't yell back at you, he will just be quiet.

He does love you. Make him feel accepted again. Read about the differences between men and women so that you understand that men do not need to talk as much as women do, and most of all, try to wear his shoes. See objectively the way you are making him feel and change all those things you say and do that doesn't make him feel loved.

Don't treat him the way you want you be treated because he is not you. Treat him the way HE wants and needs to be treated.

I recommend you reading "zen and the art of falling in love" by Brenda Shoshanna, you can find her website if you search for her name, also read "the languages of love" or any other books about couples and communication. You'll learn good stuff from all of them.

I don't recommend to divorce him or anything like that at this point because it is now that your children are grown up that you can have a new great relationship with him again. Don't miss that oportunity. He does love you.

One last tip: Invite him to walk with you. The objective is just to walk in a park or in the neighborhood just holding hands. Winding up. Not talking. Just being there enjoying the evening. Once the walks become more frequent more talking will be involved, but don't push for it. Show him you love who he is. Love him for who he is not for what he does. Talking doesn't make him more lovable, he is lovable already!

Remember that in order to communicate, you don't need to talk. SHOW him you love him by accepting and respecting him and his silence. He will talk again once he feels he has something to contribute with. So, give him chances to contribute and give his opinion, even if you don't need them.

Good luck!

Answer 8

It's not rocket science: men (and women) clam up and won't talk when they feel insecure about their spouse or their relationship.

So go ahead and try threatening him, and see how that works out for ya. Maybe if you'd calm down and try being nice? Sounds crazy, I know. But since you think you know better, go ahead and do what you've been doing.

Answer 9

Read the book Love and Respect. It will help you find out.

Answer 10

Maybe you are married to a Passive Aggressive.

http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html