Have you ever felt as if you were stuck in a relationship and it was too late to change anything?

Question

We have been married 4 years and friendship was the basis more than anything else for our marriage. I was sure I was happily married my first two years apart from the fact that sometimes I felt very lonely with him and he never could talk about things openly and honestly. Emotionally he is not there plus he is quiet patronising towards me. Lately he drives me up the wall with put-downs and sneering. Passion is gone if it was ever there, no sex for 3 years or even kissing. We tried counselling, wthen finally I got a confession out of him, that he did not want kids with me since he was not sure of our relationship. Surprise-surprise! I seem to have a huge difficulty to get over this. I was no angel either as I had an affair with my first love. It was a very bad choice and I learnt a lot. Anyway, these days I feel so sad and can't imagine having babies with him or even being intimate. Of course, I don't want to bring kids into this. Have you been in a similar story? How can I move on?

People, who get judgemental as soon as they hear about an affair: relax, I totally own what I did and went through hell, - so no need to throw stones!

Answer 1

It sounds like neither of you want to be together....you have no kids....why are you suffering through this?

End it, find someone who will make you happy, and who you DO want children with.

OR, if you think there is a chance, marriage counseling...

Good luck..

Answer 2

sound like the problem is YOU sweetie. You need to make a decision if you want stay with him. If you are insecure or afraid can't find anybody else, then that's your problem. You have to deal with it. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I can totally understand what you are going through. I know a lot of people who are in the same boat but when I analyze it, it's the women who are unsure of the relationship. You can try to work this relationship by showing interest towards your husband. Make a few changes with your attitudes and around the house or with your normal routine. Put the frustrations aside for a while and build confidence instead. Sex is not fun if one is not interested. I myself can go without sex forever rather than having to have sex with someone who is not interested. I suggest you put sex last in your list and work with what is going on with both you and resolve it. I can guarantee that once you figured out what the problem is, sex will come naturally.

Hope this works. Good luck!

Answer 3

The idea to not bring children into an uncertain relationship is definitely a good one. Pregnancy brings its own stresses and issues and the two of you do not really need anything more on your plate right now.

Sounds like the two of you are frustrated. People should not make decisions based on how they feel at the moment. You say that you got married based on friendship. That's great. Just try to rekindle that friendship. Drop any other man you may currrently be seeing and try SOMEONE you haven't tried before.

Pray. Tell God what is going on and how you feel. Tell Him you are sorry for having had an affair and ask Him to heal your marriage. Do not give up on your marriage. God can fix things if you believe.

Answer 4

I think you already know the answer deep down in your heart. I have actually been in almost the exact same situation!

What you two have together isn't a relationship or a marriage. You have security...you have familiarity. You have the knowledge that someone will always be there. But that's not enough. You need someone who shares your values, dreams, goals, and who will encourage you to reach your potential, and grow with you. Your life is not something you should compromise.

It's like ripping off a Band-Aid. It painful at first, but only for a little while. Surround yourself with friends and family who truly love you and want what is best for you. No matter what happens, they will be there to see you through. I'm sorry you're going through this, but imagine what the other side could be like...true happiness with a man who appreciates you and wants the same things you want. It's out there, and it's never too late to find it.

Answer 5

It sounds as if the sneering is because there is no love on either side. I married my first husband because I thought I was supposed to. We had been together for 4 years and, stupidly thought this was the next step. Fortunately, we never had children, but the relationship was over years before we admitted it. Don't wait any longer. You have tried counseling to no avail, he doesn't believe in your marriage, the sex is gone. My ex-husband told me that he had decided he didn't want kids. No explanation then but when we got in a fight he laid out the reasons in the worst way. 8 years of my life gone! When we finally divorced, it was the best thing that could have happened to both of us. We are now friends and re-married. Oddly, neither of us ever had children.

Answer 6

The best thing I can tell you is that all things change. Things are never meant to stay the same. Even if you loved each other, your relationship would change over the years, not necessarily in a negative or positive way even. It's clear there is no love, so there is no relationship. You surely should not bring kids into the mix, and neither of you feel the urge to. The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that nothing can change. The only thing that stops change is the person, and when people don't allow themselves to grow, part of them withers and dies. So change things up by leaving him, and moving on to start something new.

Answer 7

Well...smart of you not to complicate the situation with kids. The problem you have is like many others...you jump into a relationship and everyone is starry eyed until you get to see the real side of your spouse. Doesn't anyone ever take their time anymore and delve into the psyche of a relationship before they commit? If they did it sure would save a lot of aggravation in the longrun.
"Freindship was more the basis more than anything lese for the marriage". gee...love? Did that ever come into play? Oh sure..sex....bet that turned both your heads around initially. That didn't pan out too well either did it?
Had you taken the time to develop a relationship and work on communication you may have discovered that marriage wasn't the route for you to both take.
This reminds me of my stepdaughter. After 8 years of marriage she says she wants a divorce. Her words were "I don't think I ever loved him to begin with". Me..in shock..said "Then why did you get married?". She looked me right in the eye and said "I dunno...it seemd like the thing to do". The thing to do. I wanted to slap her. And you madam..."for friendship more than anything else". Jesus...amazing.
Well look...you've got yourself into a fine mess here. One that won't be easy to extricate yourself from. But...life is full of challenges isn't it? Oh...the affair didn't help did it? Never does. That only cheapens you and quite frankly...should embarrass you that you had to stoop to that level.
But...you seem an intelligent sort. i'm sure you'll work things out and in your next relationship maybe you'll take your time and look long and hard before you commit.
good luck. hope it pans out okay for you.

Answer 8

Boy am I in the same boat...I wanted to have more kids w/ my wife and she just wouldn't have anything to do w/ it. It's totally driven us apart, among other things. Look if counseling didn't work, it's just going to get worse. Somethings going to have to give, before you are going to have peace. As someone told me, it takes two to make a marriage, one to make a divorce. If both of you are not on board, it ain't gonna last. You both have to learn to forgive each other and communicate. Start by saying, I'm sorry, I love you, I want to work things out, I need you in my life. If these things can't be said, hey it's just a matter of time before bad things start to happen.

Answer 9

honey, i am somewhat in the same situation, but it's a little different because we have kids and i am also in love with someone else. Pls. listen to me, it's not to late for you, no kids? move on, you will get over him. You have nothing, it's only a habit. Time will heal all , that is so true. Move on pls do it. I am stuck where i'm at and can't be with the one i love. I don't understand why you can't get over it. You have nothing. Go meet your soulmate, you will know when you find him, if you have doubt, it's not him so keep looking. He might just be right under your nose.

Answer 10

NO ONE CAN BE STUCK IN A RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE EITHER FRIENDS OR YOU ARE NOT. IT IS NEVER TO LATE TO CHANGE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO CHANGE. DO NOT FORGET THAT. SORRY, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MARRIAGE WAS OVER BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED. THERE WAS ONLY A GOOD FRIENDSHIP AND NOW THAT IS GONE TOO. IT WILL BE HARD TO MOVE ON, BUT YOU WILL DO IT BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH TO SEE AND DO THAT YOU HAVE NOT YET EXPERIENCED. SO DO NOT GIVE UP. TRY SOMETHING SIMPLE AS FINDING A NEW PLACE TO MOVE IN AND HAVE FUN DECORATING IT. SEE IF YOU CAN FIND YOUR OLD FRIENDS AND HANG OUT LIKE OLD TIMES. BOTTOM LINE IS TO TRY NEW THINGS THAT WILL ONLY REMIND YOU OF A NEW BEGINNING FOR YOU. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 11

Yeah well, once you had an affair this mess got to the point it was never going to really be fixable in terms of having one of those really great romances. It might have been prior to that, but you can't blame him for communication problems: it takes two, after all. If one partner doesn't feel safe, then they won't discuss things they don't feel safe talking about.

So blah, blah, blan. Call it judgemental and be patronizingly dismissive if you want, but that just makes me think your husband isn't the only one with that problem, baby.