My wife has decided she no longer wants to even try to have children. What now?

Question

We've been together for over 5 years (married for three) and from the beginning I have been clear about wanting to have a child/children at some point. She claimed that until she met me, she never wanted kids, but that she had changed her mind and wanted to have a kid(s) together. It became a question of "when" not "if" we were going to have kids. Hell, we have had multiple conversations about what names we would use for a boy vs. a girl. Now that all of the boxes have been checked (health issues resolved, bigger house, she's about to turn 30, I'm 34), she has suddenly turned a 180 and says she's not sure that she will ever want to have children (naturally or through adoption). Needless to say, I was shocked and feel very betrayed by a person that I love very much. I'm willing to give counseling a try, but I'm not sure she will ever come around. If that is the case, how do you decide between someone you love and something you've dreamed of your entire life?

Answer 1

Keep talking about it, respectfully and openly. Talk about why you want to have kids, what it means for you, what your dreams are. Listen to her also, about her worries, concerns and fears. Just keep talking and listening. Don't get into the "but you promised" pattern, or the "I'm right, you're wrong" pattern. Neither will help you two come to a compromise. There's nothing in a marriage contract that says someone can't change their mind... unfortunately. People change.

I'd encourage you to read John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," particularly the last several chapters. He talks about "gridlock," which is your exact situation. Don't worry, the situation will work itself out.

Answer 2

The child rearing will be your job then? Your career and life and body will be forever changed (and at 30 possibly ruined forever) and your willing to allow your financial future to be based on the whims and earnings of someone who might get rid of you if you don't fulfil their every ambition in life?

Once she has that kid she is vunerable. You could leave her, or die or lose your job and she would be cast into a single mother role in an unforgiving economy. If you happen to be so blessed that finances are not an issue her reluctance is still justified because ultimately she's the one on the spot. You can share respondsibility until the sun comes up, but she is still going to bear the brunt of the pain and emotional damage (natural birth) and adoption is no treat either.

Someone has to give up a lot of time to stay with the baby, and if your life's dream involves you breezing out the door in the morning and coming home to dinner on the table everynight with the occasional ballgame and bedtime story as highlights your missing the fact that its a death sentence for the social life and career of the woman and some women simply don't see that as acceptable.

And if you "split" the child rearing and both pull in income that can spread people pretty thin. Especially with menopause approaching with age, your wife is going to start having less energy as her body changes even more and she may need time to herself for this, instead of a bunch of screaming kids and the thought that she can't get a job anymore because she's been 'off the market' while raising your little "dreams"

Its too bad she doesn't feel comfortable with what you thought was written in stone but its even worse that you want to get rid of someone you vowed 'for better or for worse' over something that she could very well change her mind over again in time.

Answer 3

Being a guy who married a woman with 3 kids I never wanted my own anyway. In fact, had she no kids I still didn't want any. Maybe she's like me. I think the best way to describe it is "selfish". I don't want children to tie me down if I suddenly say to my wife "Lets go somewhere for the weekend". Perhaps her reasoning is the same.
As far as what to do...I don't think there are any cut and dried answers. Did she give you her reasons for this decision? I'm assuming if you've discussed all the details of having a kid at length she must have given you her answers for changing her mind.
Knowing that and what she may have planned for the future (you and her for life of course) then maybe we can delve further into this and at least come to some course of action for you to follow.
You also mentioned counseling. How'd that fare? Some more information to throw into the mix here may help.

Thanks.

Answer 4

Sometimes love is blind, she told you about not wanting children before you were married and that should have been your first sign right there and you missed it. The fact is you can't make someone want to have children. Did she change her mind just to get you to marry her sounds like it. You can go to counseling but that might not change her mind I personally think she never really wanted children now you have a dilemma. Your big decision will be to stay married and not have children or divorce. The big issue is she really wasn't completely truthful with you and that's not good. You will have to weigh your decisions carefully and decide whats best for you. Staying married when you really want children and she doesn't will begin to wear your relationship down over time.
So either change your mind and stay married or be honest with her even if she wasn't completely honest with you and let her know that you are considering your choices.........

Answer 5

Wow that is a hard one...I understand you really love her but she always knew how you felt and I can't understand how she can say that to you...she should have never lied to you and said that she changed her mind after meeting you if in fact it seems that it is not true...it is a shame that she waited until you were 34 to tell you this...you wanted to be a father not a grandfather...you are in a very tough decision...I hope she will go to counseling but I truly feel for you...

I know you love her but it sounds like you have the love to also be a father....there are other great women out there...you don't need to be with a woman who can do this to you and not think about your feelings....

Answer 6

I was married to a man for 7 years that did the exact same thing to me. I told him I wanted children before we got married, he agreed, but kept pushing it later and later, until the 6th year, I confronted him and he confessed he never wanted anymore children. He had 2 from a previous marriage. I left and now I have a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful daughters.

Answer 7

nicely, i don't see why you won't be able to do the two. not on an identical time of direction except you're fantastically valuable you may handle it. Having a newborn of your individual first nevertheless could be extra perfect. you will strengthen nearer understanding that the the two one among you created that infant jointly, he/she could be aside of the two one among you and you'd be waiting to artwork jointly in raising your newborn. Adopting is often an incredible decision besides. such as you stated, you have been accompanied and you be conscious of ways it feels and could desire to truly relate to the newborn. inspite of the incontrovertible fact that it is likewise yet another hazard to hold you nearer jointly as a family contributors. Taking in a sprint one/newborn that has no family contributors and needs the affection and help of moms and dads. there are a lot of toddlers in the adoption gadget that would possibly under no circumstances get accompanied. So I nonetheless advise you 2 think of roughly the two in the journey that your not finding to have purely one newborn. the two are super and could carry jointly an incredible family contributors.

Answer 8

Wow! Then you two are just not a match. She's the one who changed the deal, and if she is totally serious about not wanting children, you totally have the right to leave the marriage. It pains me to say that, because I believe in marriage very strongly, but you have been misled.
Good luck with your decision; it may be tough.

Answer 9

for me, that would be a deal breaker. try counselling, but I would be moving on if I were you. having children is such an important experience in your life.

Answer 10

wow - i'm amazed. first, i wonder if it has anything to do with her career? second, it almost sounds as if she never wanted kids anyway