How do you deal with a selfish spouse that's jealous of his own kids?

Question

My husband of 16 years is making me crazy with his selfishness and jealousy. He's jealous of every minute and every penny that I spend on our kids - which really isn't a lot. If I buy something for the kids, I have to buy something for him. the kids need braces, but he won't hear of spending that type of money on them. As far as college goes, he says the kids can take care of themselves. Anytime anything happens with me or the kids the focus turns to how this will affect HIM. I' m so sick and tired of hearing how he wants to get away from the kids - he keeps insisting that we need a vacation. The kids do all the chores and household cleaning and laundry. I pitch in when I can, but I think it's wrong to essentially use them as servants. I did all the chores when I was a kid, but I know that HE didn't. He's big (400 lbs+) and scarey and termpermental and seems to enjoy getting upset. We spend our lives trying to make sure that we don't provoke him. What can I do?

Answer 1

Sounds like he can't control certain things in his lives so he tries to control other people around him. Or he like playing the "victim" and it's his way of getting attention. He feels everything is a personal attack on him. He needs therapy to talk about it. Just rmember that it's HIM, not you. Then suggest therapy.

Answer 2

Has he always been jealous? Is this new after you had children? What exactly are they saying to you? Is it appropriate or is it crossing a line? If you are back to work for the first time in a long time, there can be some jealousy. The thing to figure out if it is just simple jealousy or is it controlling jealousy. If it's just because he is just not used to you being back at work and attention is being directed at you by your new co-workers, but there seems to be no true anger behind it, then it will most likely wear off. If it is escalating, then you need to deal with this now. Talk to your husband, if it is more serious, enlist help. Talk to a therapist. What are you telling him? Sometimes we go on and on about things, (not we as in women, we as in anyone that receives an ego boost) and it gets a bit annoying. I'm not saying keep secrets, but is everything you are telling him necessary? Do you want to know every single last compliment that is paid to him on a daily basis? Just turn the tables and put yourself in his shoes and think how he may be feeling.

Answer 3

Your full of crap! All I heard was a very negative one sided argument. Very kind of you to run him down. I'm sure you do nothing to make your husband feel insecure? like point out his weight. Why didn't you include your weight, and give an honest example of what you buy the kids, who knows he might have a point. I'm tired of these jerks that ask people for answers and only put their side of the ****. How about putting down facts and relevant information that's not slanted to your side. So that you could get and honest opinion from someone. How many kids need braces, what's the cost? Does your family have a 401k, can college money be invested in that. Is your family in serious debt? How many kids do you have? and how many hours a day is spent on chores? Do they get an allowance? Not one thing you put on here wasn't slanted. You need to ask your questions with as much non-biased, straight forward information as possible. Even his side. Nobody know who you are on here, why not lay it ALLout! To me, you sound like a disrespectful housewife wanting a divorce. I hope you get it, because nobody is lining up for a woman like that.

Answer 4

I really think you & he need to separate -he is acting very immaturely and you seem to have major differences in how you approach child rearing and family life. If there is no way to agree or to compromise, I don't think you have a choice.

Admittedly there are times when a husband & wife should get away on their own but I get the impression that you do not want to go away with him and that is why you are putting your kids before him. If all you can focus on about him is trying not to provoke him there is not anything there.

You already know this, and you want confrmation, right?

Answer 5

You might try calling one of the toll-free domestic violence hot lines and talking to an abuse counselor, who may be able to give you some helpful suggestions. You have to understand that domestic violence isn't entirely about hitting and screaming. It is on a line of continuum, the low end of which includes insults and extremely controlling behavior. The high end of that line is death.

Other than that, I don't have an answer. I ended my ten year marriage for similar reasons after spending the first five years trying to understand his behavior. I tried various ways to make him feel better about himself and secure in my dedication to him. That only re-focused his abuse in other directions. I spent the next nearly five years trying to get away from him, and finally managed to do so by hiding in the local women's shelter.

Since he had done nothing physical to the children, I couldn't stop his visitations with them, so he had the opportunity to take the children out of state. That began a nearly three year saga of search and recovery (twice, because the laws at the time still allowed him visitation after the first time he disappeared with the kids).

Make no mistake, the behavior you describe is abuse. Your husband is using his behavior to control you and to keep your attention focused on him. This man is not happy with himself. The abuse may not be intentional or premeditated on his part. He may not even have any control over it. My ex-husband's behavior was caused by an inherited personality disorder. Even if he had cared to try, he could not have changed.

My belief is that you have only two choices: stay with him for the sake of the children and endure his behavior, or leave so that you can take a deep breath without fear of offending him.

Answer 6

Your husband is very insecure and if he weighs 400 pounds then he has other problems, lots of them. He doesn't sound like the type of guy that would go get help as he probable doesn't see anything wrong with himself. He's probable narrow minded too. I guess you have to take the focus off him and start thinking about being happy yourself, for you and your kids. Your husband sounds scary to me, do you really love this guy, if not I think it's time for you to make a move.

Answer 7

You know what you need to do? Get into marriage counseling or leave the guy. Those are your choices. He will not get any better by your ignoring the problem and hoping it will get better. He has a serious personality disorder and your family is filled with dsyfunction. Those poor kids are never going to feel that they're worth anything and will probably get in abusive relationships. GET HELP. You deserve better too.

Answer 8

Well, he seems to be extremely insecure. However, that is his issue not yours and he should work on that to improve your marriage or this will be a onging problem. Of course you need to spend time with both your husband and your kids. Maybe you guys can set up "date" nights so you have alone time, but also "quality time" nights with your kids. If the issue remains he should get individual counseling and the two of you marriage counseling to help sort this issue out.

Answer 9

wow!! He sounds like a real jerk, but he is your jerk. Does he have any good qualities. Do you still love him? If you do maybe you should insist on therapy. Both individual and couples therapy. Maybe he is angry because he hates himself.(His weight and body image) If he is 400 pounds it is obvious that he is out of control. He is killing himself and trying to take his family down with him. Please get him some help. If he is unwilling to go then you need to protect yourself and your kids. He sounds emotionally abusive. How stressful it must be to walk on "eggshells" all the time. My prayers are with you.

Answer 10

Get a divorce theres no reason that you and your kids should have to deal with someone like that. Misery loves company. It sounds like you and your kids would have a much more fulfilling life if he wasn't there dragging you all down.