My friend slept with a married man. Am I responsible for telling his wife?

Question

My friend, despite EVERYONE'S advice NOT to sleep with him, slept with a married man on a business trip two months ago. I am married and feel terrible for the wife. Do I hold any responsibility for telling his wife?

I think it may be important for the wife to be tested, my friend has unfortunately been around the block more than a few times so to speak.

I was not involved in the infidelity and yet I feel massively guilty that I have not yet done anything about it. I feel horribly for the wife in this situation. Would I be justified in telling the wife? Is it my responsibility or should I just let it go?

Thanks in advance!

I know all parties involved. I have met both the husband and wife at business functions and found her to be a kind, compassionate woman. She has children from a previous relationship that they are raising together but they do not have children together. My friend came to me in January to discuss this situation and I told her how I felt - that it's wrong no matter how she's trying to justify it with herself. After she went ahead and did the deed, she came back to me, told me, and then said that it was "okay" to do because he doesn't "really love her," the kids aren't his, and the wife is not as attractive as the man.
My friend has an incurrable sti that if they did not use protection could be spread to the Wife.

As I said before, I am married and I would want someone to tell me if my husband was being unfaithful. Yes, it would hurt but I, and his wife, do not deserve to be constantly lied to especially when our health is at stake.

To American...
My relationship with my husband has plenty of sparks. After three years of marriage, we still have just as much sex as we did prior to marriage and as newlyweds. There is not a lack of fire anywhere in my life.

I do feel terrible for this wife because I can empathize with her situation being a wife myself. She has been faithful and he has put her health at risk for nothing. I told my friend over and over before she did this that it was wrong, that if she respected marriage AT ALL she wouldn't do this. If anyone was wanting to start a fire, it was my friend and start one she has.
Is it fair to leave the wife to be burned by it when she did nothing at all?

Answer 1

You are not responsible for telling his wife that he had an affair on with your friend. It is however your friend and the man to tell what they have done behind her back. Who knows, if he has slept with your friend, he may have slept with other women.

When you put yourself in the middle of someone else's business, it creates more problems with the people involved and more times than most, everyone ends up disliking the messenger.

Do yourself a favor and have a heart to heart talk with your friend and let her know how you are feeling. Maybe this type of friend does not need to be a friend to you, seeing that her actions have caused you this much guilt.

Answer 2

Let's take this one point at a time, then discuss your course of action at the end. 1. Your wife has been having an affair with another man, and she has taken steps in order to cover it up. 2. By her explicit e-mail, it sounds like she enjoyed it. I say that because if she was ashamed if it, she would not have wrote him back, and also would have deleted all e-mails that reminded her of him. 3. It sounds like this relationship is known to all but you (by her best friend's e-mail). That is an additional indication that your wife has no intention of stopping the affair. 4. If she is distant both emotionally and physically, it is probably because of the affair. This means that she has developed a serious relationship with the other man, and has no intent of ending it. Ironically, once the affair has moved to the "serious" stage, the cheater will usually not sleep with their spouse as it is considered by the cheater as "cheating" - I know it sounds warped, but it is true. So, now we can see in summary that the affair isn't secret, it is serious, and it looks like she has developed a serious relationship with this other man. So what do you do? You have several options: 1. Try to save the marriage. This would be done by first confronting the wife about her affair, including printing out her e-mails & getting specifics about the tryst. If she admits to it & asks for forgiveness, then there is a possibility of saving the marriage through serious counsuling. If she becomes defiant, refuses to admit the affair, refuses to admit guilt (i.e. You caused this), or becomes angry that you found out, then she doesn't care about the marriage any more, and divorce may be inevitable. 2. If divorce is inevitable, then you must get a divorce attorney NOW. In fact, before confronting your wife, it would be a good idea to put a lawyer on retainer & see what evidence you will require. Think of it as an insurance policy. If she is going to divorce you, and you want to see your kids, the courts typically put the burden of evidence on the father / man in the relationship. Thus, it would be a good idea to get all of the evidence you need prior to confronting her.

Answer 3

My dear, you have no rights or needs to get involved in this at all...so not your place...and although you choose to worry about the situation, that is your choice and can only be changed by you....you do have a life of your own which should keep you busy enough not to impede upon other's...please focus on this instead.

There are reasons for extra-marital affairs...as with any experience, some beneficial, others not...and no one else is to judge or justify what others do except those involved. Keep in mind the old saying "What goes around, comes around"...it is how things work in every instance...so let the job be done... without something coming back at you in the mean time...See???

I was fortunate enough to have shared time with a married man myself when I was in my early 20's--he in his late 30's. In the year we were able to spend one or two days a week together, we both grew alot...I enjoyed being princess for the moment in every aspect, and he was given a time of freedom & renewed look at what he had at home...I always referred our circumstances as ways he could better be to his family...we shared a love without the attachment, and so when he finally put the effort into his own spousal relationship that he did with ours, he had a whole new perspective, which I'm sure his wife enjoys to this day...I, in turn, am able to empathize in a situation that I would not otherwise have capacity for. This scenerio is not usual, I know, but it is a possibility that you may not have seen before...I make no excuses of right or wrong in the picture...though I am grateful that I can keep my relationships in the perspective they belong, and my "fling" ended on a grand note for both of us.

As far as the safety/consequences of any experience, sexual or otherwise, this is the responsibility of those in the act. Say a prayer for the wife & husband, and your friend...it will bring you peace of heart...here's a big hug, too...just because...

Answer 4

I haven't read the other answers so quite possibly I'm just repeating what they have said, BUT

Well it's not your RESPONSIBILITY, but I know I'd like to know if my husband cheated, wouldn't you?

There are STD's, there's lack of respect and possibly love, there are lies and deception. Oh the pain cheatinf brings, but I would be most greatful to the one who told me and could spare me from years of cheating and give me the chance to find a GOOD man before wasting any more of my life with THAT.

If you do tell her tho, there is a possibility she won't believe you. It's the messenger that get shot you know. But at least you've done what you can and someday in the future she sure as hell would be glad someone told her. It's probably not the first or last time he's done it (No, I can't be sure of it, but the possibility is highly there).

Answer 5

I understand your feeling guilty because of this it is a horrible situation to be in. I however wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining someones marriage unless i explored all avenues. Have you told your friend she needs to go to the guy and tell him it is important to be tested and he shoudl tell his wife to do the same. It really would be better if the guy told his wife because I gotta tell you if my hubby ever cheated I would not want to hear about it from the friend of the woman he did it with! I think the two cowards that engaged in the act should be the ones to come forward. Besides No matter if you tell or not.....THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES OUT EVENTUALLY.

Answer 6

flip a coin here... IF you tell, then you risk the chance of losing her as a friend AND getting a reputation for being a ---well a squealer.... seems to me that EVERYONE already knows she did the deed--so someone will eventually tell the wife... if she doesn't already know....sometimes wives KNOW but decide to act like nothing has happened....(odd but it happens)... but you are RIGHT about the wife needing to be tested... IF you are a REALLY GOOD friend---you spend a LOT of time with this woman and the two of you confide in each other, then it MIGHT be best if you tell her to get tested...if she asks WHY---tell her to ask her HUSBAND---that way, you aren't DIRECTLY telling her but you ARE warning her that she might need to be tested........ ALSO, there is another point to ponder---SUPPOSE this woman with the bragging libido actually did NOT sleep with your friend's husband and only TOLD everyone she did to make herself look like a desireable woman (in a warped way)...? Then, you could be getting yourself in WAY too deep if you say ANYTHING to your friend.... so, weigh the pros and cons of what I have said---maybe the first thing you SHOULD do is confront the HUSBAND alone with what you've "HEARD" to see if it is true---let him know that a LOT of people have been told the same thing and that HE should tell his wife....if she hears it from someone else it will be a LOT worse for HIM!!!!!!

Answer 7

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so bad about something you haven't done....! Your friend is bad news and she is doing something that is wrong; so is the man. We all know that.

But as for you to go and "spill the beans" to the unsuspecting wife...Hmmmm. I'd think real hard about it...! I totally understand your point of view, and think you're a nice person; but you cannot live other people's lives. The wife will find out- sooner or later- and it's better if she doesn't hear if from you.

I'm sorry, but I think it is NOT your responsability and you should let it go.
As for your friend.....If she is causing you so much stress with her actions, tell her you feel uncomfortable and that you'd appreciate it if she gives you some space and doesn't tell you details about this.
Good luck!

Answer 8

well that is a really tricky question because it sounds like he is your friend but in the other hand it seems like you feel horrible for the wife in this situation if i was the wife and my husband slept with a married man or woman i would want for that person to let me know.. and yes that is true the wife should be tested. the way things are these years it would be the right thing for you to do...good luck and remember the right thing is to let her know.

Answer 9

Personally- I don't think you have any reason to get involved in that particular situation. (First of all, I don't know how well you know this women but how can you be SURE that it happened and its not just talk)... Maybe you should encourage your friend to get tested-- and if there is a problem then pressure her to tell him. Thats as far as I would go though. I wouldn't want to stick my neck out when I couldn't prove anything or wasn't directly involved. GOOD LUCK! Thats a tough situation.

Answer 10

Oh man, that's a very sticky and frightening situation to be in.. however I can tell you this, that if it were me that my husband was sleeping on and my friend knew about it, and didn't tell me, I would be terribly upset that she didn't tell me, especially if we're close friends. I would hope that she would be that good of a friend to tell me, no matter how much this may hurt. It just depends if you have a good relationship with her or not, do you think she'll believe you or will she think you're just trying to stir up trouble.