what should i do about my husband?

Question

Ok.. so here's the thing, my husband & I have been tghthr 4 seven yrs now, and he cheated on me years ago, supposedly a 1 nght stand. We wrked through it, but I never really got completely over it. I've always been watchin my back, cheking on him, b/c i feel i dont trust him. Well he's a good husband, provides for our 2 kids, wrks, but has a little drinking prob. Every now and then he goes out drinking & turns off his cell phone, then wont tell me who he's been w/ or where he was at. This past wkend wuz really bad b/c i had no car, money & the kids were hungry, he sd he wuz on his way home, then didn't show up til really late. I went thru his phone & found a pic, of a guy gettin a lapdance @the strip club. I can't tell if it's him or not, but i asked him about it and he sd he had never seen the pic before.I dont know what to do!! Should i trust him, but how can i, if he doesnt give me any answers? I dont have anywhere to go....

i'm 24 thank u very much, so i can use any kind of wrds i want, & like i said, I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO.

Answer 1

Wow, I'm so sorry and sad to hear that you are having to go through this. No person should every have to go through the unfaithfulness that your husband is committing towards you.
:*(

Whenever someone breaks a relationship through infidelity as your husband has/is, forgiveness and counseling can work to restore your relationship, but both people will have to work on it. Forgiveness can happen in an instant, but trust is something that can only be re-built and formed over time.

It is interesting that you said that even though he had a "1 night stand" years back that you "never really got completely over it." I believe that this is probably because he has not earned the right to your trust--he has not proved himself as worthy of recieving your trust, because he is breaking it over and over again. You have reason to not be "over it," because it sounds as if he is not really "over it" yet. It sounds as if he is still pursuing an immoral lifestyle outside of the bonds of marriage and is giving away pieces of his heart that should only be reserved for you.

Whether or not the picture was of him getting a lapdance at a strip club, he has committed some mental form or adultery/immorality by allowing himself to watch other women do things that his eyes should be reserved for only watching you do. I don't know what your faith is, but I am a Christian and hope that you won't mind my contributing a Biblical viewpoint. In the Bible, Jesus said that if a man lusts after a woman in his heart, that he has actually committed adultery. Because, the "sins of the eyes" (the wrong things that you willingly allow yourself to see and think) are just as bad as the "sins of the flesh" (the wrong things that you willingly do). A person's intention is judged the same as by what they actually do. It sounds as if he has done either one or both of these things.

I urge you to talk with a counselor about these things. Counseling should be helpful, so long as he is willing to go again and try to work things out. It will at least help you with you with how to deal with this difficult circumstance.

As difficult as it may be, I also urge you to forgive him--it will free you from any bitter feelings that you may have and keep you from hurting even more. (Again, forgiveness doesn't mean that he automatically earns the right to your trust again and it doesn't mean that you're condoning his actions--but it will free YOU from even more overwhelming feelings). Unforgiveness always hurts more, not helps.

I've included some articles at the end of this and hope that they will be helpful to you. :)

Blessings, you sweet woman--you must feel so alone and rejected because of your husband's actions. Know that there is One that will "never leave you or forsake (reject) you." (Jesus). Praying for you.

Answer 2

It's not the cheating on you, however you define it, that should concern you. It's how he treats you in the relationship. You say that it was especially bad because you had no money, etc., but what does this have to do with cheating. The real question is did you tell him when you were talking to him that you needed him home as soon as possible because the kids were hungry, and you had no food in the house, and you needed to get them something as soon as possible.

If you told him this, and he still showed up way late without a good explanation, it really doesn't matter whether he was at a strip club getting some temporary excitement - that could actually translate into being a better mate for you - or that he stopped off at a car dealership and was looking at a new dream vehicle.

The real point is that if he knew you were counting on him, and then he took actions that showed you can't count on him, there's a problem with your relationship that you have to address. If he gets to the point where he simply can't be counted on as you need to be able to, then you are going to have to get some counseling at best, and end the relationship, at worst.

However, if your inability to overcome the "trust" issue is at the root of the problem and you are driving him away, then this needs to be addressed as well.

So what if he goes to a strip club, or even has a one night stand. There really isn't anything that says that monogamy evolved because it was the best form of relationships, and there's a whole lot of evidence that monogamy isn't necessarily that best type of relationship model. I personally think that the best form would be for two couples who all can bond together as a foursome.

Variety is a key to life, and there is just no way that only having romantic/sexual interaction with the same person for your whole life is the best way to live, in my opinion. This is especially true for the male species, whose sex drive dominates his existence. This is something that women can never really completely comprehend, no more than men can truly comprehend all the physical and emotional aspects to menstruation.

My fear here is the real problem is his drinking, and you don't want to have to address it. If he can't handle his responsibilities as a husband and father because he can't handle his liquor, then he's the one that has to make the choice. And then there's the kids....

Good luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like couples counseling time to me.

Facts: You can't trust him from the last time. He is now hiding things from you again because he is disappearing for long periods of time, he deliberately turns off his phone, and he is either lying or having alcohol black-outs if he doesn't remember the picture.

All negatives.

He is a poor father and husband if he cannot provide a way for you and your children to get the necessities of life (FOOD).

If he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, explain that this is his last chance and you are serious. If he still refuses, you know your answer is to leave him. Have no worries about taking what he owns in a divorce because it is only right that he provide something for not supporting you as a responsible husband should.

Some men are not grown up enough to be husband material.

If he won't go to counseling, get all your "ducks in order" before you tell him you are going for divorce. Check the yellow pages for women's centers, domestic violence centers, housewives returning to work centers, welfare centers, and churches. Not that you will need all these places, but they will all be able to give you ideas and directions on the most efficient way to start your life over - to make it easiest on you and your children.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I can understand what you are going through. He may well be lying, but do you really want to leave? Things may not be any better for you on your own and you have to think about what is best for your kids.

On the other hand, you can't risk getting some STD he may bring home. Sleep on the couch and at the same time focus on being a good wife and mother. Keep the house clean, cook meals that he likes. Let him know that you are accountable to him and you expect the same from him. Do not hide things from him. Let him know that you love him and are looking forward to resuming your "marital relationship, but that you can not do that until he is completely transparent with you. And then just wait. DO NOT make any rash decisions that you will regret later. In most cases, divorce does not really make anything easier for anyone!

Answer 5

He's clearly not being honest about things in your relationship. Pictures (him or not) don't just "magically show up" on phones. Maybe it's just "guys night out" at the club and nothing more happened, but you can't be sure about anything until you start communicating. You guys need help. He needs to figure out his drinking, you need to figure out if you're willing to move forward from what happened in the past. You need to find some support for each of you as individuals and then together as a couple. This will likely be some sort of counseling or therapy, and you need to make the time and space available to really get into the **** of your relationship and have it out in a neutral setting, with the understanding that the **** can only be dredged up in that setting OR as long as the two of you agree to predetermined rules when in conflict. (Not blaming or accusing are way up on the list) The first step in this is to learn how to deal with your relationship conflicts and set down some ground rules for how EACH of you behave in relationship. If he's a good person who has made some mistakes in the past (and who hasn't?) then you've got to give him some room to step up and meet your needs, (and you meet his), provided that you two can communicate them effectively and respectfully to each other. This is much easier said than done- which is why if you think you want to salvage your marriage, you've got to get on it, and with some sort of support system and a REAL commitment to making some progress with each other...This is a big undertaking and you've got to decide if it's worth it to you or not...You can't make him go to counseling, but you can express to him your genuine desire to get back on track, with or without him...

Answer 6

i dont think that the right answer is to kick him out. i really feel that if you want to continue on with this marriage, that you both go and get some help, i.e. therapy. i can see why you dont trust him, but just because he did it once, doesn't always mean that he will do it again. maybe he went out, maybe he was at the strip club, but if you have been to a nice strip club before, there is NO contact between the dancer and the customer. also, if he is the primary "bread winner" then give him a break, he has all the responsibility on his shoulders, and maybe he needs a night out with the guys without phone calls. try to work it out, it sounds like he is a good dad, and can be a good husband. seek help, try to trust again, and good luck!

Answer 7

Doesn't seem like he has ANY respect for you at all!!! I would sit down with him and talk to him...ask him if he loves you and let him know that his actions have really hurt you and ask if he wants to continue this marriage..and if not Move On, Life really is TOO SHORT to be Unhappy!! I know we all want to stay with these JERKS because we feel our kids will suffer in the long run. But our kids See and Feel everything maybe even more then us wives do....If he is Mature he will want to sit down and talk things over. See what his reactions are to your questions and ask alot of them!!!! guys try to dodge questions when their Quilty....If he doesn't act Sincere when having this talk...hes not wanting to be married anymore.

Letting you and your kids go HUNGRY is really Sh*tty!!!

Do you work or have a car at all? Does he keep you home without money and a way to socialize with anyone? Thats abuse if he is!!!! I would start working and get your own car and free yourself from his abuse:)

If you want to talk more you can email me at sweetsierra @ hotmail.com would like to see how things turn out

Good Luck:)

Answer 8

First of all, you are his wife. You have every right in the world to know who he's with and what he's doing. If he doesn't tell you then you need to go upside his head. If he left you and the kids stranded at home with no food or money while he visits the local strip club then you need to go upside his head. If he gets a lapdance by any woman other than you then you need to go upside his head. If you don't get off your butt and tell him he'd better get it together or you're leaving then somebody needs to go upside YOUR head. Stand up for yourself, your love, and your marriage and let him know that his actions are unacceptable. And if you decide to leave then I'm sure you do have somewhere to go....friend, coworker, family, women's shelter. Just do what you have to do. Don't let him ruin your pursuit of happiness.

Answer 9

Your problems are extremely complicated. I mean both of you.

Your problems: you do not trust your husband, who has cheated once, has a drinking problem, sometimes disappears without any explanation, and sometimes refuses to communicate.

His problems: his wife won't forgive him for his one past indiscretion, is watchful and suspicious, and is constantly checking up on him. This makes his home life so uncomfortable that he sometimes hits the bars instead of coming home, and when he does, he loses control because of his growing problem with alcohol.

You have two options with this marriage, in or out. Halfway in, which is where you are, can only result in misery and failure. Before opting for out, with its accompanying poverty and loneliness, try going all the way in.

Forgive him and give him your trust.

Make his home life so pleasant that he won't feel the least desire to be anywhere else.

Make him aware of your hopes and fears, of the pain that has infected the joy of your love for him, When he has something to say, listen to him without interruption or criticism, giving his ideas full and thoughtful consideration before responding when you disagree. For your own sake, refrain from nagging at him.

Don't be afraid to flatter his ego, praising him for his accomplishments.

Plan family outings that will enhance his love for you and the kids. Cultivate in the kids a love him him that will fill him with joy (that kind of joy, by the way, can come from no other source).

Give him regular, joyful, boundless sex as the final and crucial ingredient in this prescription, and if this marriage can be saved, then it will be.

If it does become clear that you must get out of this marriage, plan your exit carefully. You have two children to consider: leaving them with a man with a drinking problem is not an option. You will need professional help in this, and my only advice to you is to get that help and to have your plan firmly in place before making your first move.

Answer 10

Wow. It's all up to you. Weigh the good against the bad. After someone cheats, you will always be paranoid. It is a difficult thing to work through. If u want to know whats up.. Be ready for the next time that he goes out. Call a friend a follow him and watch. Then u will know for yourself what's going on. Speculation is no good. Especially if you can't prove anything. Always have the writing on the wall girl, so he can't get himself out of it. IF you catch him in the wrong, then do what u need to do.